Thanks for your feedback and perspective. I'm trying to let go, I really am, but I honestly don't know if I can completely let go. I feel like I need to keep the faith that we will come out of this, otherwise I'm just giving in, and she's getting what she wants - me giving up.
If we didn't have kids, she would probably have already D, but she knows what a devastating effect that would have on the kids, so Im thinking she's either hoping that something inside her will change the way she feels (which she has said), or she's softening the blow by delivering it in stages. Maybe those are Plan A and Plan B and she's still unsure.
We are so intertwined in our kids lives, that it's really not possible for me to go dark. I tried that, and it just pushed me further away from my kids. But I have stopped pursuit.
Homework? That is something that W has always done with the kids because of schedule, she gets home from work by 3, I don't get home until after 6. With both kids in evening activities (basketball & tae kwon do), evening hours just aren't available for doing homework. Now don't get me wrong, I do take them to their sports, I help them on projects and anything that they haven't finished by the time I get to the house, but it would be unfair to them to switch their routines around so i could do more homework with them.
However, I hear you on the importance of being a good Father. Last night I brought them dinner, we played a fun imagination game while we ate (it started with "what does MSG stand for?", and answers got progressively silly), spent some time with S13 learning about the software that he is using, and played a game of Stratego with S11 - all big 180's from sitting in front of the TV, which used to be the norm.
I don't believe that there is an OM, but I do have a good idea of what led W to separate - to sum it up, part of it was me not taking good enough care of myself, part of it was her needing time away and alone because she felt cornered in the R with no options but to accept it, part of it is influence from her 2 best friends, one who separated from her H the same day, and the other who is a widow for the past 2 years... her H died because he didn't take care of himself.
And, part of it is baggage she carries from her childhood, where her parents fought a lot, continued to stay married, and W feels that they would have been better off if they had D. She works in the family business with her Dad and 3 brothers, so there still is a lot of family support and involvement in her day to day life. The whole family dynamic is "push the feelings down, put on a happy face, and act like everything is just fine". It all stems from her mom being a hardcore alcoholic, and the rest of the family being her enablers.
She now feels like she has totally been an enabler to me, and as a result, I wasn't taking good care of myself. After the bomb, I started exercising, lost 55 pounds, quit smoking pot (a 25 year habit) and really focused on being the best ME I could be. Her response to that is either "Look how much better you are doing without me, we aren't good for each other" when she's feeling positive, or "I kept trying to get you to change and take better care of yourself, and finally I just gave up. Maybe if something had changed earlier it would be different, but now I just don't even know if I want to try"
I realize that I may be putting too much value on eye contact and smiles, but I do see them as a change from how she has been, and doesn't MWD say to break down your signs into things you can look for in the next couple of weeks? Trust me, I'm not reading much into it, but it has to start somewhere.
This is all such a balancing act, I'm constantly checking to make sure I haven't slipped, and I greatly appreciate and rely on feedback and advice on here from every perspective. I've read your post a few times FIB, and I do get what you are saying. I'm not trying to justify myself, rather just giving more details and insight into my particular set of circumstances.
I know I have to face the potential that the M won't survive, but I choose to have faith that it will .
