WAW won't admit EA, even to herself... questions

[ECJay]

My wife has been having an EA for about 3 months. To make a long story short, I tried many things to make it work, but she continued the EA and I gave up. We'll be getting a D soon, and I'm moving back to my home state in a month.

The weird part is that she still hasn't admitted to herself that she's having an EA. I'm fine with this... her messed-up reality is part of why I had to leave. The problem is: what do I tell our mutual friends and her family? Do I expose what REALLY happened to them, or do I go along with her story of "needing to seek out what truly makes her happy, etc."?

I'm not interested in being vindictive about this... on the other hand, these people are rightfully confused about how our marriage could dissolve so quickly and dramatically, and part of me thinks they deserve an explanation.

What would you do?

-ECJ

[Joeboy]

The truth will set you free .

[DCBHM]

If you've given up, I'd just let it go. You know the truth, and I don't see any benefit to filling anyone in.

The situation might be different if you were still trying to save things. In my humble opinion.

[Still Waters]

If I were you I'd tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing bu the truth of what happened to my friends and family, but I wouldn't go out of my way to expose it to everyone. I say that only because it sounds like you're ready to move on from the M, so busting up the EA won't do much good.

[whatdidido]

Realize that by telling people, you are ruining your wife's reputation. DOes she deserve it? Maybe. But is that your call?

[Still Waters]

His wife is ruining her own reputation. All he's doing is refusing to lie to cover up for her.

It's not the exposing of affairs that ruins someone's reputation. It's the HAVING of affairs that does it.

[whatdidido]

Well, I agree with the part that says that affairs ruin your reputation. And, I don't say to lie to cover up. He made it sound like he was wanted to go "out" her. If his friends and family ask, he could say that it is her issue and they should ask her.

I am different now. I may have had a different answer before going through my own things. I try to help people, not hurt them. And, it's not my job to decide someone's fate.....

[Sugar and Spice]

IMHO...tell people whatever you are comfortable with. Theres no need to give a blow-by-blow. I think it depends on who is doing the asking and what you feel ok with telling them. Me personally, I tell people the truth, but only as much as they are asking for. Anyone BOLD enough to press me will get more than they bargained for. Theres no need to give anymore detail than is warranted. Just my .02

[karen43]

I think telling the truth to family and close friends is perfectly fine; in fact I can't imagine otherwise. Anyone else probably doesn't really care or want to know. Karen

[Laurie]

Dear ECJ,
Please first let me know what your goal and/or hope is for this R. How you answer that will tell you what to say or not say at this point. And, if there is even a small crack in the door open for your M, do all you can to do no harm to it.

I am sure people are rightfully confused, but that does not mean they automatically deserve an explanation. I am sure it would feel good to offer one, but what deserves priority is your focus on your goal for this R. Once you define that, then behave and speak in ways that offer the best chance for those goals to happen.

Does that help?