Well my DB coach says there are things about him and his actions that are MLC-ish. But she also said he's not 100% an MLCer. So, I can't put him in just one category and attack the divorce from a specific angle.
Here's the latest drama: I found out he bought his ex-OW a pair of $100 earring for Christmas. (My husband has a very public job, he’s a tv broadcaster and so was I. Some random woman who works at my favorite store for jewelry taps me while I’m waiting for my lunch at a little restaurant and tells me I’m a lucky lady. She works at the store I like and she saw what my husband got me for Christmas….beautiful earrings. What are the freaking chances of finding out that way? I tried to laugh about it later on.) And the problem is: He didn’t give me anything for Christmas. I asked him about it. He said How do you know I didn’t get them for you and never gave them to you? How do you know I wasn’t helping someone else because they couldn’t afford it? What if….how do you know? I told him I was going to let it go. It just caught me off guard, the way I found out and I was very upset, but letting it go. I haven’t brought it up since, but it really upset me and I find myself thinking about it. I asked “Does she have the earrings?” He said no and that “you’re going to feel stupid when this all plays out.”
Honestly, I hope I do.
I hope with this particular incident he can tell I’ve grown and really benefitted from GAL and the therapy. Me about 6 months ago would have had an outrageous fit.
On the bright side, during our "disagreement" yesterday, where there was no yelling on my side, a little bit on his he never said "It doesn't matter because we're done" which was one of his favorites not that long ago. So, I hope that is some progress there.
Now I'm working hard to not mention this again and really let it go. It does hurt quite a bit though. Suggestions?
This is going to hurt, not to take away any of your unique pain, but it is not unique, what your saying isn't specific just to you, if you find a piece of advice you think is good, give it a real shot, give it a few weeks, more than two to see if it helps, almost nothing is going to work the first time or first day or even first week you try it. But don't give up on an idea until after a few weeks.
I have two questions: Is there something you have always wanted to do...school, class, or project that you felt you were unable to dobecause there wasn't enough time because you were married with children?
What are your fears? Simple one or two. Snakes, heights, water.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Well that's the thing about this site and after reading DR, I realized there are hundreds upon thousands upon millions who've been here. It was a relief, just to know I am not unique, so believe me, I'm happy to not be special.
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
I have two questions: Is there something you have always wanted to do...school, class, or project that you felt you were unable to dobecause there wasn't enough time because you were married with children?
What are your fears? Simple one or two. Snakes, heights, water.
Not anymore. I wanted to take up something out doors. Before H did the walk out the door cha-cha I had started to play tennis. I suck, but I love it. Since the H left, I've joined more leagues because I actually have more me time since the separation. Something didn't occur to him: He would have less time and I would have more. He has S on M-W and every other weekend and every other opposite Thursday. But I will give H credit, he sees S everyday. So now that I have this guaranteed time fore me, I use it. I leave. I do yoga now too. I'm more flexible than I thought. I'm training to run a 5K. My knees sort of hurt but I want to run just one, then I'll quit. I have actually not been going out-out with the girls because it's just really not me anymore, but we do less expensive things at one of our homes, sometimes with the kids, sometimes without. (I'm trying to be frugal. H and I have some debt, which ironically I'm grateful for because its bought me some time.)
Hmmm. Fears. Being attacked, physically. S being hungry or attacked, physically. Drowning or burning to death. I'm sure there's more that will pop into my head as I'm trying to fall asleep.
Alright, phobia. Or phobias. I'm ok with bugs unless they are bigger than my hand. I'm afraid of the dark sometimes, yes, I'm a big punk. I read a lot of S. King. Bridges, I hate bridges. Is that more what you meant?
Short term ... I am having a harder time with this one....let me think about that. I know I want to learn how to roller blade, does that count? I have some books on my list of things to get to and I mean to entertain myself since I like to read. I'm potty training a small boy. I hope that is very very short term.
Long term ... lots of things here. I would like to improve our financial outlook. So I have started to be more frugal and already I've saved a lot and made some bigger dents in our debt. I would like to take some bigger steps in my career which may include some more schooling. I want to continue to exercise, which I have been slacking on a bit here since I've recently started to sleeping like a normal person, it's difficult to wake up and get to it. I have been doing yoga though once a week--love it and will continue that.
For you ... I want to be able to rely on me to make me happy. I would like to be able to spend a whole weekend alone, not talk to a soul and be content doing "Me things". I used to do that. I loved it. I want to be able to say I'm going to let this go and really do it-really let it go. That is very hard for me right now, but I do think I've gotten much better, but still, a long road ahead of me. I want to keep working on my ability to think before I speak. That's something I've known I needed to work on but ignored it by calling myself witty. I want to be a great mother. I want to be the person my son thinks I am. I want my husband to look at me like he used to. That might be the longest road I have to travel. And I might not get to. I need to keep asking myself "Is this going to help my relationship?" whenever necessary, and not just with H, but with co-worker relationships, friend relationships, etc. But esp. with H. I want to be more affectionate.
For your H ... I wish he would talk to a therapist. He doesn't "believe in that crap....I think it's been great for you, I really do, but it's not for me." I would love to see him take better care of himself. We have fought about him getting his insides checked out for about a year. I was going to let it go until recently, I saw proof things are not getting better with his insides, so I finally got him to go see a doctor. I wish he would sleep more. I think that really takes a toll on him. (He has to be at work at 4:30a.m.) The best thing about my H is I know he will continue to be a good father.
For your family unit ... really, I just want it to stay whole with the three of us and our little dog.
So what do I do when there is backlash? I know what this is, but not sure what to do when I experience it. We've had a great weekend, into yesterday. Today, he was ok, but I could feel the "pull back" if that makes any sense. He came over for dinner with S and I. Afterward, we looked at the photos we got done with a great photographer. He loved the photos, very complimentary. Then S and I got big hugs and he left.
**Here's the wrinkle: Like most men, my H is very bad about taking care of himself beyond daily bathing and exercise. He has been having issues with his insides for more than a year now. I think it's an ulcer or something stress related. So finally I called our doctor, set up an appointment and this Thursday he will have a colonoscopy and an endoscopy as well. So I know he's not worried about the procedure and time he is going to spend on toilet. But I do think he is very concerned with what might be wrong. So I am considering that as well.
