A year or 2??!!! I was not thinking of such a long timeframe. I know when H and I separated I thought that I wanted a long s and I didn't want a quick solution but I guess I wasn't thinking that long. Ok, I guess a good reality check is needed here. Wow, a year or two. That's really long. And then I know people will be pressuring me to divorce for that long. Ok, panic attack coming on here. I guess slow is better than a rushed unstable solution but that's looong!
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -Dale Carnegie
Hope everyone in enduring with strenghten and happiness. Just wanted to say hello and to fill you all in on my status.
So again I think I messed up DB today. I was driving to work and I called my H and asked him what does he think about starting the divorce. I get confused between what DB said I should do and what my T said. He said that I need to ask H about his intentions and DB says to not bring up the marriage until he does (which seems like it will never happen anytime soon). I feel that H has pulled back again from me. He was before calling me to say hello and to fill me in on his life and now he just calls about business and that's it. I've been trying to stay not totally dark but dim with him, I let days go by with no contact. Anyway, back to my convo with H this morning. As expected, he says if I want to process the D then go ahead he will sign but I keep doing all the things and rushing things and it takes time to work things out. Work what out - - his relationship with OW? I of course told him that its been 5 years dealing with him and OW, how much more time does he need. He said he understands, and I said yeah you're always so understanding. He even said that he's tired of the situation and the stress of it all (I definitely think H is beginning to love bust with OW. Although he's been with OW on and off for so long, he's always had me there to give a secure life. Now its just him and OW to fend for themselves. Hehehehe. I like that part of this whole separation. He needs to realize that his unhappiness with his life is him not other people.). I said I thought you were leaving to be happy since you weren't happy with me and that you said you were going to enjoy your freedom. I even asked him what actions is he taking to work the situation and he prettimuch gave the usually response, I don't know. H even tried to deflect by saying I'm always calling in teh morning with some question. We ended the useless conversation with me saying that I guess its my decision when to process the D. He seems to have no intention of getting D but he also isn't showing any signs of working on the M either. It's been 5 mths since we separated and its seems like so long. Then I called back first to be nice and said see I'm not calling to ask hard questions but I sneaked in a question in the convo and asked him what exactly is he working on. He said "I don't know." The number of times I've gotten that response is unbelievable.
So, what do you guys think of the conversation. Should I have not call in the first place? Was I wrong in my approach? But as a DBer don't you just get tired of tiptoeing around your spouse about the issue.
My feeling is that he knows getting back with you would be hard work. He doesn't seem willing to do that work, so to get him off the hook he wants YOU to be the one ending it. It leaves him no choice, in his mind, so he doesn't have to choose or work.
Yeah, I do think he knows that to get back would be doing some hard work and making changes, especially dropping OW and he's not ready or willing to do that. And I can't stand that its been his default answer for every though question -- do what makes you happy/if that's what you want go ahead. And then when I do, you're rushing things. He's so frustrating.
Just wanted to give an update on where I am. Of course no big change in my sitch but I've been alright, sometimes even great. I did have one interaction with H on Friday that I was not feeling so good about but through the grace of God, it did not turn into a disaster. I went by where H was working to discuss something with him. I worked really hard on keeping my cool although H said that I was getting upset and starting to yell, but I apologized saying that I want to have a civilized conversation and explained why I felt upset. Anyway, after I drove off my H, I started to cry in the car and wanted to tell him that he has no morals, he's the worst H a girl could find, etc. etc. And although I called H twice to tell him this, his phone kept ringing out. I pulled over, had a good cry, logged into this DB website on my phone, read a few posts and felt better. Then I sent H a text that I was calling to discuss business just to save the day. Thank God b/c I know now that I would have so regretted confronting H and being so emotional.
Anyway, so no real update. I feel really position about March and can't wait to see what changes will come this month. My goal is to detach even more from H this month. I realized that when I detach and it feels lousy that it also feels lousy for H too. Like last week when I was at the hospital visiting H's mother he showed up. I was in the hallway and left without saying bye to him. On my drive home it felt awful that this is where we have come to... the next day he sends me a text saying that he was thinking that on our wedding day I was the most beautiful bride. I felt like H was playing games to pull me back but I didn't give in. I sent a text back saying "yeah, I was looking real good. :)" So detaching seems to work.
Oh, one other thing I had to share, a very interesting story. So my friends into problems their marriage. H left their marriage not because of another woman, moved away to his home country and then meet OW. I am certain that he didn't leave b/c of OW, they had marital problems that he cowardly did not address with her. My friend, driven by ego and hurt and anger did not want to DB and just gave up on her marriage. She completely loved and hated him at the same time. Anyway, her H's male friend, who i've never meet but don't like for obvious reasons, decided that he would be there for her in the separation. My friend and this guy started a relationship. She filed for divorce from her H and has since been with this other guy. They also relocated to her H's country but a different part.
So, on Friday, a got a phone call from a strange number. I didn't know the number so I wasn't answering it. I was on another call anyway. I ended my call and then went on with my business. As I'm sitting there at the table, I hear a wisper calling Vicky, but there was no one around. I picked up my cwll phone and somehow the strange call was answered. It was my friend calling from overseas. She called to tell me not to give up on my H. Her H and my H and I were all friends so she knows my H well. She had told me that I need to move on from H and she wouldn't deal with it. The thing is OM is starting to show his true colors, the fantansy of their relationship is dying and they are arguing like crazy. She said she told him that she had never argued with her H that much in all the 16+ years they were together. I was laughing to myself. I don't think she will end the R with OM just yet but I hope soon. I kept telling her not to hastily D her H and to give it time and to understand his point of view and love hurts at times, but her ego couldn't take it. Now she so misses her H. She did say that she doesn't regret the D because of how H hurt her and I said that she had a right to be hurt b/c they were hurtful things done, but love is in spite of all that.
Anyway, I told what happened as a message God wanted me to hear b/c I so was not planning on taking that call.
Just wanted to give an update and to get opinions. So I went dark and didn't speak to H for 4 days. He called me yesterday the 4th and I just didn't answer. He then left a message relating to our business and I got it but didn't call back. Anyway, came into work and saw that H had called twice for the morning. So I had planned on not calling him and then I gave him and called him back. As usual, when I go dark H tries to reconnect and turn the lights back on. He first asked how I'm doing and it seems like I don't want to talk to him anymore. I said chilling and he said, I know that- incenuating that I'm seeing someone else. Then I said see that why I don't want to be accused of crap. Anyway, I was about to cut the conversation and then he brought up doing out tax return. We had originally planned on H filing for the investment property and me filing for the house and he would give me half of the money to pay bills. But H has not kept his financial obligation to me at all in the 5 mths of S, and I have had to run after him for $$. I don't believe that he will give me the $ from his tax and then I feel like since he could run off and leave me with a mortgage and all these expenses to pay and just walk out of the marriage then he shouldn't have the privilede of the M. So I was nervous to tell him this but I calmly told him that I was thinking of filing for the property as well b/c I don't trust that he will give me the $ and that I have to do things on the house and I know that he won't want to contribute to and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him for $ for to work on the house since he's not in the house. I told him that as always I will use the $$ to pay the bills off. He said he wasn't upset and that I could have everything all the properties. But I know he was upset. He then called our realtor to remove himself off/refinance the properties and then called me asking to make an appoitment with the realtor for us. The realtor is our friend and he knows too well about our sitch. Anyway I am not calling the realtor, H is just acting out like a little bratty kid. I feel that I no longer want to have H run the show with his bratty ways. Also, if H is in such a fog that he has dropped all his responsibilities then I need to be the responsible one here. I know if he gets all that $ from the tax he will blow it on OW and her children too.
So I'm standing up for myself! What do you think? Was this being too controlling? That is one of H's complaints about me.
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#1728764 - Yesterday at 04:53 PM Re: Update [Re: vickyd] Puppy Dog Tails Puppy Dog Tails Member
Registered: 02/22/08 Posts: 6269 Nope. I think ya done good.
You're looking out for your interests, no more, no less. Besides, I'm betting that his "you're too controlling" complaints only started AFTER he began his affair? Am I right?
Puppy _________________________ "Still at the end of every hard-earned day, People find some reason to believe."
#1728768 - Yesterday at 04:55 PM Re: Update [Re: Puppy Dog Tails] vickyd vickyd Member
Registered: 12/17/08 Posts: 105 Yeap, Pup, right after the A. It became I'm too controlling... I don't appreciate him ... I think everything is mine... he needs to get his life together. And I am certain in our relationship I have been a big cheerleader for H. Now that I've been detaching he has been craving my compliments too.
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#1728769 - Yesterday at 04:56 PM Re: Update [Re: vickyd] vickyd vickyd Member
Registered: 12/17/08 Posts: 105 By the way sorry everyone, I wanted to put the update under my original thread. I still learning the site.
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#1728777 - Yesterday at 05:05 PM Re: Update [Re: vickyd] Puppy Dog Tails Puppy Dog Tails Member
Registered: 02/22/08 Posts: 6269 Originally Posted By: vickyd Yeap, Pup, right after the A. It became I'm too controlling... I don't appreciate him ... I think everything is mine... he needs to get his life together. And I am certain in our relationship I have been a big cheerleader for H. Now that I've been detaching he has been craving my compliments too.
Um-hmmm. What a shocker. NOT!!!
As I've said before, "You're too controlling" almost always just means "You won't give me space in which to conduct my affair! Wahhhhh!!!!"
Edited by Puppy Dog Tails (Yesterday at 05:06 PM) _________________________ "Still at the end of every hard-earned day, People find some reason to believe."
#1728786 - Yesterday at 05:12 PM Re: Update [Re: Puppy Dog Tails] vickyd vickyd Member
Registered: 12/17/08 Posts: 105 So truth and funny as hell:
"You won't give me space in which to conduct my affair! Wahhhhh!!!!"
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#1728805 - Yesterday at 05:31 PM Re: Update [Re: vickyd] Vdad Vdad Member
Registered: 01/21/09 Posts: 155 Puppy/Vicky,
Heh, heh, heh...Crack me up!
Hey on the houses...Does the investment prop cash flow + or - on the tax returns in the past? If it's positive it's taxable income (bad), whereas the primary residence is a dollar for dollar writedown of your taxable income (good). Let him take the investment prop and you take the primary if you want to "compromise"...
V _________________________ ***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
Me: 43 W: 38 SD-15 S(s): 12,9,7 Separated-2/14/2009 My sitch
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#1728842 - Yesterday at 06:29 PM Re: Update [Re: Vdad] vickyd vickyd Member
Registered: 12/17/08 Posts: 105 Hi V,
The investment prop has - cash flow. And I actually don't want to compromise on this one. H has given me $$ twice in 5 months for bills that he left. Usually our tax return $ goes to something productive. In H fog, he will waste the $ and I know it. I have compromised enough on so much. Not trying to be mean but I don't like running after H on $. While in our R we was great with $$ matters and now I would be like the OW running after him. I don't want to compromise myself to that.
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#1728855 - Yesterday at 06:54 PM Re: Update [Re: vickyd] Vdad Vdad Member
Registered: 01/21/09 Posts: 155 Vicky,
I think I'm with ya.. So cash flow in real dollars monthly and are you able to come up with enough expenses to show it as a negative income (good) on the tax return (schedule E)?
I hear you if it's giving you cash every month! Don't let him off the hook on the mortgage by refinancing either, it's leverage for later. But if he will quit-claim off the (title)property that would get rid of his interest and put you in control. Rates on investment props aren't a great deal right now anyway..
Good for you on all of the other things as well. I am having to get real with my W right now over money, kids, etc...
Stay the course!
V _________________________ ***Getting up every day and learning to breathe in a new me. For me and my children***
So I am in not such great a mood today at all, feeling really depressed and hopeless today. A question I've been meaning to ask, especially for those separated, DO YOU TELL FRIENDS AND ACQUINTANCES THAT YOUR SEPARATED?
I think I've been telling too many people that H and I are separated and then they want to get into my business and to keep calling to check up on me and of course the big questions "What are going to do?" What the hell am I to do in this situation. I must say I think I am also guilty of talking about my sitch too much. I mean not all my friends and very few of my co-workers know that H and I are separated but I haven't hid it either. I tell people and then sometimes I find that I've been telling friends why and then I leave the conversation regretting that I ever said anything/wondering if I said too much. What is the best course of action/ say nothing or be honest and let people know? What about friends you havn't talked to in a while? Then I find that I've avoiding people's phone calls b/c I know they are calling to find out the status.
Anyway, last night one of H's friends called me. He said that he was calling to get my sister's # but we talked for over an hour and now I wonder if he was calling to really talk to me about the sitch. H does talk to him so I was curious to hear what he has to say and figure he would have the inside into H's mind. He had a lot to say. At first he said that he hope H and I could work things out. He asked why we don't have kids and that is it something wrong with me and since H has a child it must be me. It was interesting to hear that H did introduce his babymama to him - I guess he introduces her all around. H's friend talked about how he doesn't like the girl. He said that H is confused. And then, the main bomb of the conversation was when he told me that H is "in love" with OW. He said that he thinks it started as a fling but then having the child must have them feel like a family. I asked how did he come up with that and he said that the way H sounds and lights up when he talks about OW and his son. Funny thing is that when he said it I really didn't feel anyway to me b/c I think from H's actions that he does love her too. Then this morning it made me so sad. I'm am doing all in my power to be so strong about this. I mean if H loves OW and she loves him and they already have a child together I guess they should go on with their happy merry life, right. I really have no business in this. I guess never mind the 15 years I've put into this R and the hopes and dreams I had of having a family with H. This really sucks I gotta say. God, I never thought thigns would have turned out this way. I remember when I first met H we were young I was so worried about getting pregnant and not finishing my education and now I have to deal with not getting pregnant, H having a child outside, and it all just ending the marriage. Then I was talking to my sister this morning who also asked what I am going to do. And I told her I don't know, I'm trying to focus on me and there is really nothing I can do. I told her what H's friend said that H loves OW and my sister said yes that's true it's obvious. Anyway, the point is that I feel like everytime people bring this up to me I feel more crappy.
I called H stupidly to discuss all that has transpired yesterday and today. Yes, I kinda know I probably shouldn't have. I tried really hard to use self control not to but I did. I told him first that regarding our investment property that if he wants to sign it over that fine but I'm not signing anything other than divorce papers and if he wants he should just get the papers and I will sign those but nothing else. The I also told him that 3 of his friend on different occasions have told me how he loves OW and he said that I can go ahead and listen to his friends and he tells his friends what they want to hear. And I said that I'm listening to him and his actions. He also talked about how when OW meets certain of his friends she tells him who he can and can't trust and that she's right. I told him to spear me the details of how good him and OW look out for each other. Anyway, we had a long conversation that I'm sure was a repeat of convos we've had before. No one knows that he's really not happy and that he needs to get away. And then he brought up how he felt unappreciated and you know what I told him that I understand that. Last night H's friend was talking about how all that H has is becasue of me and that he told H that the success he has is only because of his wife. Yes, that is true that I am the more ambitious and educated one, but I always thought that H did his part. I made things happen but H was the needed support. Anyway, H said that it didn't matter to him what his friends thought but it bothered him when I started to say the same thing. I won't lie in our sitch I did tell H after all I have done for him etc. and all that I do in the R. Natuarally when one does a lot and tehn feel unappreciated you bring up what you did. Anyway, I told H I understand how it must have been frustrating hearing that all the time from everyone.
So, I'm here feeling hopeless. I don't think H will ever leave OW. He even talked about he faults and said that she's a nice person and everyone have their faults. And no one should be judging her. Sounds like love to me.
It is really strange that now after being divorce for 7 months, I am telling everyone. Before I just talked about it here and didn't really let it out any where else. I thought I am doing so good. Then at the parent teacher conferences, I wanted the teachers to know what has been going on and out it all spilled. Tactfully but spilled non the less. Wow!!
Vicky, I think you need to stop thinking about your H and OW. It will only make you sad. Think about you and what improvements you want to make for you. Then get going. It won't happen overnight, but you will start to feel the difference. I bet your H will even notice that you have taken the spotlight off of him, though that isn't why you would be doing it.
hugs
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
