Hope, I would approach your H regarding his retirement in a different way.
If you get the oppty or if you would call him (what the heck, you talked with him yesterday anyway so do the LRT afterwards). I would say:
Sorry, I let my emotions get in the way of logic the other day but there is something important that I would like to say. Look, you have six months to retirement, that's $X that's coming to you. (Guys like facts and figures and can relate well to these.) Look, why don't you stay for another six months to get to that retirement payout. After that, do what you like. I am not chasing you out of town, in fact, I would like you to be happy and you to be financially secure. (You do, don't you?) What is the point of giving up $X? (Then say gently) You are the one taking all the risk in your R right now. You had a family, loving D's, secure job with retirment coming your way. Your 'friend' has nothing to lose. Think about it! You are the one taking all the risk. (Don't call her names, it's below your dignity.Take yourself out of the equation so that he doesn't see it as you begging him to come back.)
The problem was that you came down on him like an authority figure, I think. Not your fault, you were caught off-guard and like I said I don't know how you manage to work in the same place as those two for so long. But if your approach is more, 'I am on your side, I was always on your side' then he may actually be able to 'hear' what you have to say. The point is that you both cannot afford to lose the pension, I assume, and you don't want him to lose his job because of her. Six months down the line, their R could be very different so you don't want him to move out of state out of the heat of the moment either. So if your approach is friendly, non-threatening, then he doesn't have to run away from you. However, if he sees that you are antagonizing then he will run for the hills.
I know it's been and continue to be very hard on you but right now you don't want to push your H physically away just yet. Your D15 is saying that he move away out of rejection and anger. I am sure that if your H repent and came back home, she would love it. So, try to de-escalate as much as you can. Even if their A is ongoing and in your face, you don't want to lose your hard earn money on that no-good cow. Because that is what would happen if your H lost his pension, his job and you have to support your girls and maybe him as well!
Think strategy. He is not thinking right so you need to think for both of you. You don't want him to move out of state. You don't want him to lose his job and pension. You don't want to lose your own job. I know you want revenge and you want her out of there. She will do herself in, I have no doubt about it. It will happen sooner or later. Concentrate on your work, make sure your supervisors and boss see it. You don't want them to see you stressed out and not doing your job properly, otherwise you will become their target instead. Don't give work ANY excuse to get rid of you. It's very sexist, when they see a man upset, everyone thinks he is going through a hard time. When they see a woman upset, everyone thinks she is hysterical. Don't be the target!
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 02/22/0906:18 AM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM, you are a wise woman. Your H must be an IdIOT to leave you. In reading your sitch about your parents being married 40 years, I came from the same type of family.
I loved what you wrote, the only problem is that H and OW are being investigated at work right now. It seems to be the worst kept secret there. I had someone tell me there are rumors going around that H and OW were caught with their pants down. WTH.
Not sure if it was a work or at office but people know. If OW left the job even a few months ago there would be no case, but as most OW she is a greedy gold digger, wants her paycheck and his too. I like the advice you gave. Maybe I can word it another way.
Something to think about. Keep praying for each other.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope, thanks for your kind words. Don't worry about the investigation. Try to concentrate on YOU. Big companies take forever to do anything. But since your H has only six months for full pension, they might just use this excuse to get rid of him so they don't have to pay for full pension. Boy, he's got a target sing on his back right now. So if you talk to him, just tell him to keep his nose clean at work(as in I've go your back regardless of what is happening between us because I am a good person.)
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM, I took your advice. I would really like to talk to you at some point off of this board. Much in common. Would like to fill you in. Let me know and I can give you info little by little where to find me!
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hey hope, how do you want to contact each other? Give me some clues.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Just checking in. Sounds like you have alot going on. Me too. That is terrific advice from PostiveMom - hope you two can talk more. I still think your M has a chance, but damn it's hard work!
Stay strong.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Hi pm... remember Yahoo and my nickname is Belaf... check your thread for additional hint.
Hi Silver Fox, thanks for stopping. Will come by your sitch also. I did like that advice. I get discouraged about all of this but I need to get back on track and see what each day brings. We can only keep turning it over to God.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Hi PM can't open my e-mail at work but I will let you know tonight.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
