I'm afraid your couples therapist doesn't sound "pro marriage," like Michele Weiner Davis and Schnarch and others are. That scares me a bit.
It's very scary. He says things like, 'When I listen to you two, sometimes I don't know if I should be mediating a separation or getting you two to marry eachother again' and 'I'm not sure you ever had a marriage.' We absolutely had a marriage, and I think those are really dangerous things to say when one partner is wobbling. H wants to reconnect, he just doesn't know how, plus he's work-addicted (again IMHO)and in an MLC. I feel like in therapy we're just dredging things up and then being told maybe we shouldn't be married because we're not compatible. We do have differences, but that doesn't mean we can't have a partnership.
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The 8 inches between you two in bed could be filled with all kinds of tough-to-penetrate-sh*t like resentment, "not wanting to want," childhood issues (abandonment, abuse), shame... As soon as the issues are identified, it MIGHT be much easier for you two to cross the chasm.
Sigh . . . yes. I have wondered all of this. He's Catholic, filled with sexual guilt? Spent too much time with priests as a young boy with no father? Married to his mother in spirit (he grew up as the little man of the house)? Maybe even homosexual and too Catholic to admit it?
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One horrifying question I hate to ask: Is there any reason for you to suspect an affair?
I've learned in my 43 years that pigs can occasionally fly, and every now and then, it snows in hell. But I'd have to say no, unless we can say his mistress is his job. He needs to be constantly productive, even at home. His therapist pointed out to him (thanks a lot) that we don't have fun together anymore because H couldn't remember the last time we'd gone out and had fun. (my response to that is we have 4 kids, and can't have fun unless we have time, and if he can't ever sit down and stop working or doing chores, there is no opportunity!) Anyway, I managed to arrange for us to spend several hours together alone Sunday to go out to lunch and shop for new family room chairs. Fine, he said reluctantly (no doubt envisioning how this would eat up his day.) But he wanted me to drive, so that he could bring work in the car. Gahhh.
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It's good that he is "questioning everything." Don't be too afraid of that, because it could mean that he is now ready to figure out who he is so that he can become his very best self. Growth HURTS, but it is a marvelous thing.
