Thanks for your concern lemonsnap, the kindness of everyone here really helps a lot.
You bring up a good point on signs of improvement and goals. I have put together a list, and it's posted on my first thread, but to keep it front and center, I'll also paste here:
Personal goals
1- I will continue to back off and give W time to think. This means no unnecessary phone calls or emails. If she calls me, then no M or R talk.
2- I will remain positive and upbeat at all times in her presence.
3- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight, so I will be patient.
4- I will become less dependent on W for validation, comfort, support and my emotional well being.
5- I will become stronger physically, mentally and emotionally. I will achieve this through exercise, reading and other continuing education, counseling and DB coaching, and actively participating on the DB board.
6- I will become better connected with my kids. I will achieve this by taking a more active role in their extra-curricular activities, doing more activities with them on the weekends, and asking them better questions to get them to open up and share with me.
Signs of improvement goals - Short term
1- W will look me in the eyes when we talk and smile genuinely at me.
2- W will call me just to see how I'm doing, or talk to me about something non-logistical (example- kids, schedule, finances)
3- W will leave me a note or send me an email - non-logistical.
4- W will ask me to come over or stay for dinner.
5- W will do my laundry, or buy something specifically I like to eat
Signs of improvement - Long term
1- W will show interest in doing things with me and involving me in family activities with her and the kids.
2- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then to be understood.
3- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behaviors so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted.
4- W will want to stop the nesting, give up the apartment, and have all of us live together at home again.
5- When we live together again, I will continue to practice DB techniques and participate in the forum to help other people through their struggle.
Last Saturday, we had a nice talk with eye contact and a few smiles, so my first short term sign has occurred. And yes, it is only a teaspoon, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step.
