I don't believe my h is trying to fix anything. Perhaps he will if he emerges from the "fog" but at the moment he seems to be running. He has always been the ignore it and it will go away type person. He will never confront anyone who has done him wrong. He will never confront anyone about anything.
When I asked him in Nov how he could be living with someone already (unaware that he had been having an affair with her) he said "everything was f**ked up and I don't want to talk about it." He just kept repeating that or something similar when I tried to get him to explain. It was like speaking with a three year old! It doesn't seem to me that he is making rational decisions.
And then there is the financial irresponsibility --
After we separated last June, I discovered that he had spent over $34,000 on our joint line of credit in five months and I would be responsible 50%. After we split, he than maxed out another joint line of credit to $12,000, which I had access to, so that I could not get any funds.
When we exchanged financial statements, I discovered that he had also spent $8400 on his personal line of credit.
In August, just before our first collaborative divorce meeting, he charged an additional $40,000 to our joint line of credit. I assumed that he had bought a condo or something but it turned out to be a margin call. I knew that he was responsible for any post-separation amounts so I wasn't concerned but found out that HE didn't know that! He was trying to add to my debt after we had separated!!
I was at my lawyer's office yesterday and got my copy of his financial disclosure which I didn't have a chance to review because my L had both copies. It shows that he was in debt the $40,000 (margin call) in January 08 -- one month after receiving a $330,000 bonus!!
So by the end of May 08 he (we) were in debt $82,400 spent on bad invesments, lap dances and the OW. All within five months. I had no idea. I never asked to see the statements for the investment accounts nor his visa bills nor anything else and he didn't ask to see mine. We were married and trusted each other. We split household expenses for the most part even though he made seven times what I earn, because HE was SAVING for our retirement.
This past January, the last time we spoke, he asked me how I sleep at night after getting half of our equity and a small spousal settlement.
It's all too much really.
As for my father, I didn't ever think of his drinking as abandonment. He drank A LOT, so I knew the drunk father better than the sober father.
As we were out in the country we were dependant on cars to get anywhere and my father was the only father who took the kids to any events. My brothers were the only boys who played organized hockey. He took us skiing in the winter and swimming in the summer and took as many of the neighbourhood kids as he could fit along. When we were older he drove us to our friends homes and picked us up, no matter how late it was. He was drinking and driving but someone managed to never kill anyone, thankfully!
He worked for a unionized company and had a lot of vacation time and always took his vacation so that he would be home when we were home, much to our chagrin most of the time!
We discussed politics, news and books at the dinner table and were made to read rather than watch TV most of the time.
Now I'm not trying to pretend that he was a fantastic father because, obviously, the drinking was a huge issue but the older I get the more forgiving I am and more understanding of what was likely causing his unhappiness. I am sorry that he died when I was still relatively young (21) because I would have liked to have known him with some maturity on my side.
Weekend was good. Hope yours was too. I have two cats -- Max is 15 pounds and Quigley is 23 pounds -- both male. I will be moving to a condo in May and went to measure, etc. on Saturday and discovered that the king bed I was hoping to buy will not fit comfortably. Very disappointing as I really need a bigger bed for all three of us!
I am at 125 lbs in the morning and about 127 lbs at night which is pretty good. I am 5'9" so I like to be at about 130. I eat pound cake every night before bed and sometimes a beer as well although they don't really go well together. I was drinking Ensure for a while but just can't stand the taste so I switched to beer.
I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts.
