Twice is FREE

[Twice-2-Her]

HI:

I thought I would move over from the newcomers as I told my wife that I was leaving the house this week.

I'll show a link to my last posts but short recap for those who do not like to jump.

Twice-2-her and meant it

Married 17, three kids. Youngest developmentl mental issues.

Aug 08, the ILYBINILWY. OM for a EA but suspect PA too.

I read all the books and tried to DB in the same house but it was not working.

We did IC alone and MC together and not much help. It has been helping me but she felt it was not about her.

I have to admit she did open my eyes to some of my actions and my IC has helped me to see why I act the way I do and how to change if I want.

Did all the 180's and trying GAL.

So now what?

Who here has separated out of the house after staying in the house 6 months or more? What can I expect and how should I act?

I feel it best to GAL and no communication other than co parent. Do not invite her to activities I do with kids. Wait for her to make the move.

I'll do some reading on this board as well but wanted to say hi and sorry to be hear but know there is a lot of help here and I could sure use it!

Twice

[kassie]

Some things are about the same no matter what. After separation it seems that from time to time, things come up that need contact besides kids. If you discussed the purpose of the separation and some ground rules up front it helps but people rarely do that. So it has to be done. So start by asking yourself what the purpose - i e what are you hoping it will accomplish? What are the small steps to show progress? How will you both know it is time to reunite?

Questions usually come up about contact? DAting? Asking for help when things come up or calling when you want to share something. It is kind of hard to suddenly cut off - so think about these things because it gets muddy. What are the terms of talking to family - for instance, right after my H moved out his S's had a gathering and he called to make arrangements for me to go until I reminded him that his S's may not be comfortable. Then when one SS got engaged he called, the other SS got pregnant, the holidays came up etc. Then there were the plumbing problems, serious illness/ hospitalization/accidents etc. All tough decisions depending on the circumstances.

Goals will help a lot. ARe you in MC or IC? That may help also with goals.

What are the specific questions you have?

[kml]

My best advice to you right now is, find some new outside activity, a fun but challenging one, and put your focus on that. I trained to climb Mt. Whitney a few years ago when my H was having an affair. I'm learning to play the drums right now.

This serves two purposes. First, it will occupy your mind and cut down on the amount of time spent obsessing on your R probs. Two, it will actually make you more attrctive to your spouse, as someone who is out there living an interesting life instead of wallowing in grief.

So - what have you always wanted to do or accomplish? What would be a surprising 180 for you?

Ellie

[Kalni]

Hi,
separation can actually become a beginning of a "better" life. Stress level drop, you stop walking on eggshels, tension between the two of you will drop too, it is a chance to see what you will be missing, it will give you time to process your emotions...

A lot of people here will tell you that separation some times brings more relief than heartbreak.

I think Ellie gave you some good advice, this will be your time to enjoy, work on you and try to become the greener grass.
Stay strong, good luck
K

[Twice-2-Her]

All:

Thanks for the tips. It has been two days and as for the separation, is it not a long one but it has helped. By long I mean I only moved into the other bedroom. We are still in the same house.

The stress is down for her and that is great. Her communication is like it was now when things were great. She even called on the way home yesterday to check in. One thing she had not done in months.

My job is to not expect too much. It seems so normal I feel that we are back together but I feel, yes she needs to miss me and come for me.

Funny Kassie, I had an aunt pass and we are both going to the service out of state this week. So out 1st awkward trip.

Sat. night she was out with friends and I have no idea what time she came home. She told me some info yesterday but I bit my tongue and did not ask questions.

Yes working on a GAL and my 180 will be more things with my kids. She never saw me with them as I was home watching them vs being with them. Now she will have to adjust her work life and I will be the one to come get the kids and do fun stuff. She will be the day to day watcher.

Thanks and keep the tips coming. I thanks each and everyone of you for the support.

Twice

[kassie]

Just remember that life is complicated and uncomfortable at times but we just have to work through it all. It is called life for a reason. Awkward because what? In the same place and sharing the same feelings? Sounds like a time for connection and support.

[song]

Hey Twice,
Thought I'd check out the Separated forum, and found you here. As you may recall, I'm in a similar boat to you. W & I have been emotionally separated since last June, but physically since October. Even so, we still se each other almost every day as we are both very involved in kids activities, and we switch back & forth between our family home and an apartment W rented. She was actually in the apt for 3 months with kids going back & forth until I finally stopped pursuing after New Years Eve, and decided it was best for the kids to have a stable home. No reason they should suffer just because their mom can't stand to live in the same house as dad.

So, I'm holding onto faith that we'll be reunited - I figure she's closer to moving home if she's there more than half the time, I just need to give her time and space and hope and pray that she rediscovers her love and commitment.

Anyhow, just wanted to say you are not alone being separated after trying together at home for many months - it's still a roller coaster, up days and down days, but hang in there. It's a bit easier when you can plan for and prepare for any interaction with you W, rather than walking on eggshells every time you are in the same house together.

[lynn08]

I have been physically separated from my H for about a month now, and I can tell you that for the first time since the bomb back in October I finally feel some peace.

It will really give you a chance to reflect on the sitch, but also gives you a unique opportunity to discover yourself. I dont like when I am here alone so I find myself making more plans. I started volunteering in my spare time, and picking up some hobbies that I stopped doing. I dont stop breathing every time I come home now like I used to. It is nice to have your own space. It is hard in the beginning but like everything else, with time it becomes easier.

For me I took another Db'ers advice in removing all pictures and all of H's things. That helped alot! Even seeing a sock of his in the laundry made me upset, but now I could care less.

I am happy to report that since S, H and I have been getting along just as good (if not better) then when we first met. Not that I am sure its going to lead to reconciliation, but things just seem to calm down. That is my perspective and I hope you find it ends up that way too.

[kassie]

People respond in different ways, have different experiences and situations that come up. You have to figure out what works for you and family and let go of what doesn't work (that is why you are at this point)

Ask what questions you need to ask. Make your comments, Vent, think out loud, and try out responses here before talking to your spouse. Come here before addressing her/him/

[Twice-2-Her]

Hi All:

Thanks I have been reading but been very busy. Had an Aunt pass and a couple of birthdays.

I did get into a R and M talk on the drive to NM. Bummer, said some things that needed to be said but not sure they needed to be said then. She said she is planing on D and why wait. I told her let's separate and what is the rush. I asked of OM and she said none.

She wonders if my changes are for her or me. At times she talks bad. But at thefuneral, talking to relatives, Yes come see us this Summer, we would love to have you.

I used to fear leaving the house for awhile, as that would open the door. I realized that the door is open and if she goes while I'm gone then that is on her.

I'm heading out of town next week to get away and give us space. After that we spoke of getting an apartment and the off spouse stays there.

I'm ready to move forward and that came out during the talk. I need to see a GAL in my future and I can't here at the house, when I think only of what I do not have, not what I have.

More when I can.

Twice