Too soon for that. I got her to say that she does not want a divorce, just knowing that I said I will sign if she wants to is enough.
I figured it all out today!
To her this is not only about our marriage. It isn't about the OM. That is what it is to me.
To her I guessed it like this:
She has always made the smart decision, the wisest choice. She always looked out for her family. She is the "hero child" who had all the hopes and dreams of her family invested in her. She always lived up to that role. She worked hard in school and speaks 2 languages with no detectable accent. She feels the burden of rescuing her family all the time. She carried that over to me. I am a survivor of a very broken family, institutions and foster care.
When I fell apart she took care of me. I took advantage of that. Though I wanted to be her hero, I just could not break my dependence on her and "man up".
I was gone 6 months frantically trying to come up with the best way to solve the marital problem and manically missing the point.
Not only did she want me to be responsible for myself but she had to let go. She let go of making decisions, she let go of doing the best and smartest thing. She really let go of me. I realized today that I can't change that in her. All I can do is steady myself so that if she wants to come to me I will be strong enough to catch her. If she decides not to come to me then I need to be strong for myself.
We have this incredible connection to each other that will not be easily lost no matter what happens in the future.
I know this about myself. I have a backbone and I am able to take a stand but what is most amazing about me is that I have a deep capacity to forgive and understand that peoples distress patterns are not the people themselves.
I know my wife will land on her feet.
I think it is time to as you say "go dark" on her. I think it is for her own good.
I am moving to Pennsylvania to work and rebuild my self. I know some of you said that it gives her permission to do as she pleases but she will do it with me here too. Living together is like living in a battle zone and I have a feeling that I am much more charming when I am not here to argue with. Her decisions are her decisions. She knows her screwed up life hurts me and that is enough for me to trust that things will work out.
