Dianes Roller Coaster Ride continued... lol

[Jayce]

OK, I get not really wanting to have sex with him, as in he's caused so much pain he's not a turn on...you're angry....

How do you know he'll want to for the week he's home? In the event he does initiate and ML - more than once- while he's home, how do you know for sure he won't next time? If he didn't for 5 yrs at a time and he does this time, is it possible you've made progress in getting him to realize how you feel? In any case, after telling him how much you want intimacy for these past months, if you turn him down what's the message there?

What if he's read more of the book & hasn't told you? I know all the begging and fighting and disappointment takes a lot away from any ML that happens as a result, but that ML is a starting point. Remember me griping that it seemed like a charity effort, or just to shut me up for awhile? How hard it was to feel turned on because he gave no sign he was going to initiate till the last possible minute & I'd be mad or in tears thinking I'd struck out again? Far from the experiences either of us hoped for, but it resulted in our actually talking about what happened. He was a little more open and he began getting in the habit of thinking about ML again. Doing it enough to remember (?) what he was missing. It was a start.

If your H wants to have sex (Blunt is always good-no misunderstanding) he probably will be worried about how you receive his effort because of the emotionally charged conversations/emails, etc. You have his attention now. Any coolness or turndown from you will shut him down for good. You ever train a puppy? You know how you're supposed to praise any move toward what you want it to do? And in a short time, it gets it & does it every time? But if you yell at it, it never learns anything but to avoid you? Humans are the same way. And both take patience which you can tell I'm not exactly full of. Nor tact either.

Keep telling him you are pleased with his efforts, and that you want him to continue. You are looking forward to ML his next trip home. Tell him how you have dreaded his visits because they only mean frustration and hurt for you and you don't want to go back to that again. Besides the patience thing, there's also your Calm, quiet, non-judgemental tone of voice, the smiles-that are really hard to do but its what'll work. We are so not a turn on when we're angry or scary. (Imagine me w/red teary eyes & runny nose-ewww. Annnnd when I yell I can break windows 3 blocks away).

Like any activity, eating healthy, going to church, working out, it takes time to become a habit. Working together to stick with the program will be easier as you both feel enjoyment again. I know its far from the romance of having a guy who craves you, courts you and sweeps you off your feet, but it'll get better in time and is way better than giving up & scrapping the whole thing. Now that you have his attention, if you do decide to give up or turn him down, you'll probably never be able to try again and who will you be hurting? You may never get answers to why or what or how, but if you get a new start on a sex life together (blunt again)none of those answers matter.

I know it is very hard not to keep thinking "How could you have hurt me for so long?" boy, do I know. But keeping that in mind wrecks the fun you start to have again. Its tough to be the rational adult who knows that having that fun is waaaaayyy better than staying in the hurt funk forever and never having any fun again.

Try to relax, go with whatever happens. If he doesn't approach you, initiate so he knows you're not going to turn him down. Make it easy for him. If it doesn't go well, you will know you did everything you could to make it work. No regrets or what-ifs.

I hope this sounds like the coaching I intend it to be, not harping about your doubts. I know exactly how you feel. Keep at it. If you win, it'll be worth it. A real married life again
J