Unfamiliary Territory any Navagation Guides

[Punktmann]

LYFE,

It's like she was a master at keeping us separate on many levels. But even with that, from my perception I felt we were doing ok; NORMAL, hence we had decided to have kids earlier last year. NOTHING MAKES SENSE.

Yes, this is what they do, they have to b/c they don't feel attached anymore, and they need the conflict to justify their actions. And no, nothing makes sense anymore. For the immediate future, nothing is going to make sense. Sorry.

I have chosen to honor my vows and to love my W unconditionally, and I think that is where she failed.

Stop it. This isn't constructive. Yes she failed, but leave off with laying blame. It helps no-one, especially not you.

This is like a blame train going around and around in your head. Unplug it, forget it. Deal with today, right now.

Trust me. I did the same thing, it didn't help.

If you want to know the secret to getting better with or without her, here it is.

Forget blame.

Let her, and I mean REALLY LET her answer to God or your higher power for whatever she may have done wrong. NOT YOU.

This is where forgiveness and your healing start. It's easier said than done, but this is where it begins



Venting is a BIG part of what this place is all about. Do it here, not with her, friends, her family, church, or co-workers. Understand though, that some of us will call you on things too. That sympathetic learning is also what this place is for.

About other people, leave them out of it. If you out the affair, then out it with her, him, family, bosses if you work together, etc. but leave everyone else out of it.

Outing an affair is different than venting about their shortcomings, (which I think you already know.)

In fact, when it comes to the D, if a person is not involved, leave them out of it. It will be so much easier to rebuild your life if you haven't dragged others into the drama.

For instance, dealing with all the betrayal and disrespect, it took me months to change the locks, not going to church;

That's OK man, this can take time to adjust to, Finding yourself here and deciding on your approach should be well considered.

Once you do though, Stick to your guns. Make your decisions and stick to them

everything has been my fault and I have learned to accept where she is at mentally. I think she is also still trying to bait me into an argument, but I avoid. Like you said, I would just be giving her more reasons to justify what she's doing.

Well, I'm glad that you can see this trap for what it is. I'm not about to advocate avoidance when we are talking about dealing with marital issues, but when we talk about the MLCer making up reasons for conflict, I'm all about avoidance. You're right to not give her reasons.

My marriage (is still,) failed, but I wholeheartedly espouse this, Don't engage in conflict that enables their view that the demise of the marriage is "your" fault.

If I could tell myself one thing through a way-back machine, it would be this.... "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not going to argue with you."

This may not save your marriage, but it'll save YOU so much conflict and heartache that I can't begin to describe it. This is how you drop the rope.

Like I and everyone else keep saying, you can't save her, you can only save yourself.

Who does something like that like that?

Well, unfortunately, a lot of people do. I'm constantly amazed at the alien's ability to self justify damn near anything.

It borders on sociopathy, but neither of us can fix that.

Focus on what you CAN fix. You.


Best,

Punkt.