I appreciate your looking in on me, Karen. Up until this afternoon, I thought I was coming to terms with this harsh reality. This weekend, despite this pall over the back of my mind with the D now on the greased rails to materialization, the boys and I had a great weekend. The three of us went to the Blue & Gold dinner (for the cub scouts) and pigged out on dinner and deserts. S8 and I also managed to knock out a number of the achievements he needs to get under him for his Wolf badge. Also, S8 had had a fantastically exemplar week in school last week, and so I rewarded him and his little brother with video games this weekend. All in all a good weekend.
But now I'm about ready to call it all quits.
After S8 had such a great week last week -- all under STBXW's custody -- S8 decided to act up in class today, his first day back under my custody. Thus he had a bad day after a week of successful, good days that his teachers had just glowed about. And while I cheered and congratulated S8 for all his good works last week, despite this being a plus for STBXW, this immediate setback at the very start of his week under my care sheds a very negative light upon me and my parenting.
It doesn't help matters that he would not complete his homework assignment this evening according to the instructions his teacher sent.
And after all three of S8's school property damage incidents last Fall took place under my custody as well, I cannot help but take this personally. I know that S8 is just a little boy and has little control over his own behavior (not that that excuses him) but if he were trying to make me look bad as his parent he couldn't do a better job than what he's done so far. I asked him what he was thinking, to which he has no answer, just shrugs his shoulders and insists that he is trying his best. I know he means well, and he doesn't know it, but he is killing me, folks!
I can guarantee you this and all the other incidents under my watch are being cataloged by STBX and her L. I know they're just reveling in the knowledge that my own son is ignorantly helping scuttle my hopes of being a meaningful parent in my S's lives. I now feel this overwhelming sense of despair, that at this rate I will be lucky to have supervised visitation with either of my S's, let alone 50% custody.
I don't know how to get this across to S8 and S4 without unduly burdening them. I am so lost and despondent right now. I have been on my knees so much before God, and I have sought so many prayers from my church of late, I am beginning to think maybe I am just not destined to be a father any longer either. If that's true, then I don't have much left to consider my life having much meaning. I know God loves me, but I really am starting to think I really don't have a purpose anymore, not in this world anyways. Perhaps that is because I have always been a person with a purpose in life, and so I need to be humbled even more. But I don't think I can take much more.
You know just when I think I've hit rock bottom, I find there's more earth to bury me with. PMA, what's that?!?
