Today was quieter and calmer. My H had been making significant progress on his issues and I started to get hopeful and allowed more contact for the past week. Yesterday he tells me that he is taking his ring off because he doesn't "feel" married right now. Says he will put it on when I start working on the M. I just walked away when he started. I set a limit with him on this - when the ring comes off we aren't talking about anything. Today I noticed he had it on but didn't say anything to me. H acts out frequently and I have had to set some very firm limits. Current goal - he has to work on staying sober, and then any R talk will be with a MC. He started AA two weeks ago, IC last week and suddenly thinks he is ready.???? So I plan to work on the M with him once he holds up his end. Longest sobriety has been 6 weeks. He is very immature and self centered - like many people in my life - a fact that has been pointed out by several. So, my goal for me has been to take care of me - a hard task but someone has to do it- still trying to figure out what that means.
Mr. Lost Sort of ironic you are in the particular pickel. I told my husband last night I am moving out. After he called the ex-OW from his EA while he was staying at our home for the first time, I had enough. This happened Tuesday night, after our house was broken into. I told him the level of disrespect involved in doing that, (calling her) is beyond my comprehension. Despite everything since this all started my ass and my heart have been exactly where they were supposed to be. I have not done anything to be disrespectful to him. That was the final straw. He stayed at the house again last night. I slept in the guest room. After he put the baby to bed, he actually tried to initiate sex. I nicely told him "No way. Not after last night's shennanigan's." And he backed off and was actually very nice, even understanding. My H has never been one to actually say he's sorry. Instead he would just act a particular way. And last night, he was acting that particular way. So I do appreciate that. Unfortunately, I don't really know what he might be sorry for, there are so many options. So this evening will be the last night I'm in the house, then I'm going to move in with a friend. On Sunday my S will join me there because it's H's weekend with him. It sucks, but I think it's time for him to see what it is he's asked for....what he's put into motion. I don't think he really thought about all of this. When I told him I was moving out, he was NOT happy. He even said "This is not the best thing for S." I looke at him and said "Well, if we are going to go down that road, what do you think the impact of a divorce is going to do to him?" H left it alone. For me, this is the ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT. If this doesn't show him how crappy life is going to be and he's happy, then I have my answer. I hope hope hope he misses us and see just how much this is going to change our lives for the absolute worse...but we'll have to wait and see. So that's my decision, Mr. Lost, I'm not sure what your decision should be. But I sort of lean toward, if you can move out, do it. Let her see what life is like without you. She already think she knows what it's like with you. Maybe you could move out and set up a schedule with her where you have family night out and then family night at home each week. That way there are planned times to be together and you can really gear up for, look your best, and just knock her socks off. And also maybe set up a time where the two of you talk about "adult things" with out the kids and be in a hurry to get out of there, like you have another date. Maybe you could act like you were the one who wanted to leave and you're worried about her and her well being, turn the tables. Make her think. Make her wonder. Make her postpone all of this for as long as possible. I also think she really doesn't want to move forward with this. I think on some level she knows what you know: Her unhappiness is not you, you're just getting blamed for it.
Well, I think for the time being I'm going to stay put. I think her offering to "postpone" the divorce is her way of backing off a bit without having to take it completely off the table. Though I was all about the separation, due to the fact that she has offered more time herself, I'm going to hang on to that concept in case things get dire again. If I go now, I shoot my silver bullet. If I stay, I can try to DB from here.
I'm sorry that your house got broken into. I hope the damage wasn't too severe. You need to make sure that you're okay with all of that before tackling all of your relationship problems. It's easy to push everything else aside when trying to save your marriage (believe me, I've done it more than I'd like to admit), but something like that can have a serious effect on you, so please make sure you're taking care of yourself too.
As far as you moving out, if you think that is best then you should do it. But I can tell you that when my wife and I separated the first time, we did it all wrong. The only difference was that I slept somewhere else. When I moved back, we just picked up where we left off.
Be sure to reread the "last resort" technique in DR. It is going to be hard, but I personally think that it is the best way to do it. Check out the rest of the board. I know there are people here who have had a lot of success with it.
I imagine the hardest part of the "last resort" technique is knowing that it is a "last resort." Anxiety makes us want to cave and fall back into our old patterns. Just keep reminding yourself that your purpose in doing this is to change those patterns and this is the best way that you can see to do it.
Good luck. And don't forget to take care of yourself!
My wife does the whole "not wearing a ring" thing too. She doesn't say anything about it, she just waits for me to ask her. I have in the past, but not this time. She still has her rings, she just doesn't wear them. I used to not wear mine when she stopped wearing hers. But I think that just helps to reiterate her decision. So I have not taken mine off. I figure I am still married and until that is completely dissolved I don't need to. I know how she feels. I don't need to feel the same way.
I don't know your husband, but it almost sounds like he took the ring off for dramatic purposes. He wanted you to notice so that he could tell you that it doesn't feel like a marriage. While stuff like that can get to you, the one positive thing about it is that he is at least trying to communicate. It may not be the best way to do it, but at least he's putting in an effort.
The last couple days have been crazy, but crazy outside of the marriage, so I really don't have much to report. I haven't seen that much of her, but she's been pleasant a majority of the time that I have.
I don't want to rock the boat too much, but I think tonight I am going to tell her that I am going to take her up on the offer of postponing the divorce. I've decided that I am going to stay here and try to DB as best I can, and revist my thoughts on a separation next month. I figure as long as things are going okay, I might do more harm than good leaving her alone with her thoughts. Especially with the last couple of strange events and accusations. I don't want her building something up in her head for days before cutting loose. It might be better if I can intervene immediately.
On Friday she decided to do the taxes. Friday morning she asked if we should go back to the people who did the taxes last year, and then Friday night came home and did them online. When she was finished she showed me how it all worked out and then told me how it all was to be divided when it came in. So I was like "great, here we go..."
But then, afterwards she was joking around and generally in a good mood. So I don't know what to think. Last night was not very good. I was invited to an Oscar party at friend's house who I hadn't seen in a long while. Everything was fine with that, but when I was on my way out the door, my wife was trying to finish a paper for her class on Monday. The kids were going to her mom's, so I told her I could drop the kids off at her mother's on my way. She said that would be great and called her mom to tell her that I would drop the kids off. When she got off the phone she tells me "My mother is having a hard time with all this and she's very emotional about it today. So when you drop the kids off, if she's acting weird it's because of the situation and not anything with you."
This got me a bit upset. I'm not sure why, but I started to feel angry. I was mad for some reason, which is not an emotion that I generally feel with this whole thing. I've been anxious, frustrated, and sad, but this is the first time I got angry. Knowing it would do no good to stick around there, I took the kids to her mom's.
The only thing I can think is perhaps I am frustrated at the situation, and since I am so willing to work on it and she is still discussing D, I think it's starting to wear on me.
So I went to the party and came home. I couldn't sleep. I didn't sleep. I think I finally passed out somewhere around 5, but woke up again about 6:30. I took the garbage to the curb and took the dogs out.
She called in and put me on her insurance this morning. I asked her how much it cost and she told me what it cost for me and the kids. I told her I needed the total cost so I could get the money and she told me that she was going to pay for her own. I told her that I was going to get it for everyone and she reluctantly told me the total. It really is a ridiculous argument since at this point in time the money is all coming from the same place anyway, so who pays for what is really moot.
I think you have every right to feel anger. It is part of the grieving process by the way. ( disbelief, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance.) Aside from that little lesson, you want to work things out and she is wavering - that has to be hard on you.
At least you did your taxes together - I offered to figure out what was best for us, filing joint or sep, and he decided out of anger toward me to file sep. He didn't want to trust me or work with me.
Well I screwed up. I called a mutual friend of mine and hers to see if I could get some insight. I know, I know...never do that. It was stupid. Anyway, he told me that he thinks that it's inevitable that we'll be divorced. He said that she knows that this is not not a good thing for her at this time. She worries about me and the kids. She doesn't want to put us through it, but she really thinks that it is the right thing to do. He said that he was sorry to have to say it, but he didn't think it would not go through. He said that the three months, not returning the rings, etc. was all because of guilt she felt, but that she has not wavered in her feelings.
I left the house when she got home saying I had to run out for something. I went and had a little mini-nervous breakdown. I'm starting to revert back to panic mode. Luckily, I was able to keep my cool in front of her. I can't have a breakdown here or else everything is lost.
I tried to PM you this next part, but the board will not let me. My wife has issues with her thyroid and suffers with fibromyalgia. This is not a disease I fully understand, and most of the information on it seems to be a bit broad, but basically, as near as I can tell, it's depression that causes physical joint pains. Often it accompanies thyroid issues, as thyroid issues can cause mood swings and depression. She just started with a new doctor and the doctor prescribed an antidepressant. She has been on the antidepressant about four days now, so it's too early to judge anything.
Once I had my breakdown I could think clearly again. I really think I should just stay the course and hang on to see if the antidepressants make a difference. I'm thinking maybe if she isn't so smothered by depression she may see a future with us. I'm hoping anyway. This particular antidepressant has been known to work a bit faster than others, though they say there is still about a month and a half before one receives the full benefit. Now all I have to do is hang in there.
I figure that I'm going to stick with what I'm doing, and just try to make right the areas that I missed out on. One of the things that make this so difficult is that we were extremely close friends for years before dating. I have now known her, and been close to her in one form or another, for over half of my life. I cannot believe that she would just give up on us. If I can see a way, I know that she can. She just needs to be pointed in the right direction. I'm not sure that made any sense, but my brain is about scrambled right now. Half hour of sleep+12:35 AM+getting rather negative news+mini-breakdown=disjointed post.
I think you handled things well. You left and held your reaction out of her reach. You took a walk - good. You recognized you were tired and crazy - good - more sleep needed.
I know this is hard to learn, but we cannot control what decisions others make. We just do not get control others anymore than they get to control us. Once you really understand that thinking you can develop other ways to respond to her and your own feelings. If you were good friends, could you talk to her like old times? What kind of response would you get? Try to understand that being her best friend might mean letting go a bit and seeing if she returns. Maybe she is afraid of going out on her own, support her, let her know it is ok for her to try and find out whatever it is that she needs to find. And you might need to let her tell you what you need right now and how the time apart might be useful to you. Am I too way off here? Just ignore it if I am. I kind of have a thought I was trying to express but not sure it got there.
No, I can't talk to her like old times. It's weird, but it just doesn't flow like that anymore. I know what you mean about letting her go and seeing if she comes back, but I'm having a hard time with it. I'm really beginning to think that my original plan of separating is probably the best course of action. I'm at the end of my rope, so to speak, and I personally don't know how much more I can take. Although I love her very much, and I want nothing more than to be a family again, this is really starting to wear down on me. Where I once was sad about the situation, I'm starting to feel despair. I really wish I could just see one glimmer of hope, one tiny thing that tells me that I have a chance. For awhile there I thought that I did, but now I feel as though I don't. I feel helpless because I have no say in this. I mean, regardless of what I do or don't do, there's the possibility that she truly has checked out and there is nothing that can sway her. Yet, if I give up now, I'll never forgive myself for not trying everything I can.
What I don't understand is that she feels bad about divorcing me, worries about what it will do to the kids, worries about what it will do to me, knows that by divorcing she sets both of us back financially for a long time, and yet she still sees it as the best thing to do. I don't even know how to approach that. There is no benefit to the divorce that I can see, yet there are several potential disasters. But it isn't that she doesn't realize these disasters, she'd rather brave them than be married to me.
I don't think that there is anyone else. I have never been violent with her or the kids. I have never placed anyone in danger. I was not mean-spirited or harsh with her. I'm not saying that I was perfect. I'm scatterbrained and because of that I can be unreliable. It's not that I'm lazy, I just don't think. I got so wrapped up in my own personal crap that I starved her emotionally and let her down. Yet, even so, I can't imagine how that warrants going through the pain of divorce, when those things can be (and are being) changed. I have done a lot of soul-searching, and I know what I need to change. But I still think that for everything we have gone through, to end it doesn't solve anything. Through the kids our relationship cannot end, and every reason she sees to end the marriage will still be there, and more than likely will be worse.
Sorry for being so glum. It's been a long and terrible day for me. Plus I have a wicked cold and feel like my head is full of cement, which I'm sure isn't helpful.
