Rob, When I read your XW's emails to you, I thought the same thing - very familiar tone - even the approach was familiar - like they use the same recipe book for their anger.
In one of our last MC sessions our T told B that she had a lot of anger in her and that she would have to work on that no matter what happened with us - she followed that up by mentioning to B that she felt like we were both projecting a lot of issues at one another...after that session B accused me of manipulating our T into seeing things my way - especially since T also described B's attitude toward me in that session as abusive (this was in the session when she blind-sided me with an accusation of hoarding away $40K...given how tight things are right now I wish it had been true...alas...not so...
Thanks for sharing your perspective on my interaction with her - I think I just kind of took it at face value and haven't evaluated it much at all. But what you say is true - I stayed focused on my changes and improvements and why I feel healthy - and didn't probe into her reasons for leaving or what she's doing now with her life. I emphasized what I thought was good about her - and even about having loved her and been friends with her - and mentioned that I regretted that we arrived where we did - but that I understood why she had to leave.
At one point she accused me of being vague - when I spoke about how I've learned things about myself in general terms - and so I just clarified for her that my biggest change was in letting go of control and accepting life more as its dealt me.
I know I've got a lot to do to get my life back in order - but I'm working toward it - and I know I'll be able to pull it off so long as I don't give up and drop the ball. I do get tired sometimes of how much I have to do right now - but I know that I can only tackle one thing at a time...got the new apartment taken care of - moving in on Saturday - once that's done I'll be able to focus more on work - all the while continuing to do my best for my boys.
I still can't believe that my S11 might be living with me from this summer on - for at least a year until he joins his mom in Europe for a year - but then returns to live with me for high school. Just the thought of having my son living with me gives me a huge burst of joy - something just indescribable. It will be an exciting time in his life to have him live with me..my goodness...my life is becoming such an echo my father's....I lived with him through high school - after he and his second wife separated (shortly after their daughter was born). They got back together after I went off to college - and during that time apart I know that my father dated other women - since I had at least a couple occasions of seeing the attractive nurses that left our house when I would come home earlier than expected...I judged him harshly for dating those nurses...now I see that he was trying to heal a wound...I don't think it was the right approach - but I understand it more now...
Right now, when I think of B, I just can't imagine living with her again. Her anger and darkness are still there too much - and I worry about their impact on my S11. She's okay with our baby boy - very loving and protective - but she's always had a kind of resentful relationship with my S11.
