PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev, I started on your book, 'No more Mr Nice Guy' yesterday. Wow!!

At first my intention was to read it and try to find out qualities that I had so I can solve them. BUT when I continue to get into it, I saw my H in Mr Nice Guy. Totallly not what I was expecting from the book. It described him to a 'T'!!! I am so excited about this book. Because it really gives me a window into his personality and his motivations.

1) Like that he looks to females in his life to give him approval. He basically said that to me when the bomb dropped, 'You don't approve of me.' I thought, WTH?????

2) He thought my moods were getting him down, I know why now. He thinks I am not approving or accepting of him EVEN when I am upset about something that is TOTALLY unconnected to him. OMG!! It's all about him! Why does he thinks everything is connected to him???

3) Attachments. He put on a really good show to his Mom to show what a 'great dad' he was when she visited. He needs external validation. The great job, the beautiful kids, his achievements, his house etc. Now I understand that he doesn't think he is good enough in himself. His Dad never approved of his as a child and I think he carries a lot of the 'I am bad, I am not good enough' attitude with him thru his life.

4) Walls - work addiction, humor, sarcasm, intellectualism, perfectionism and isolation. He had ALL of those traits under Walls. Wow!

5) Covert contracts - yes, we use them in our R all the time. Now I have a name for them and it all makes sense. No wonder I found it hard to talk about anything serious. He likes to use covert contracts. The problem was, I didn't know what was expected of me so I couldn't keep up my end. He said he wanted 'calm days'. The book even explained that if he was to do everything right then he would be happy. A Major misconception!

6) Disconnected with other men. I have often thought H did not have close male role models. I think he tried to find it in the workplace and have succeeded to some extent but they were not intimate relationships i.e. sharing feelings, more drinking buddies sort of thing.

Kev, I am only halfway thru the book but is very excited. It's like you handed me a handbook on my H and for this I am eternally grateful. I can't stop thinking about all the themes in the book.

Do you find yourself identifying with the Nice Guy Syndrome? If you do, I would like to talk more indepth with you about the details so I can find out why my H behaves in certain ways. E.g. your explanation about him wanting recognition of his parenting skills was spot-on, I think. Thanks so much.