I am frustrated that so many good people on these boards are just treated so poorly. My heart continually goes out to them and I pray for them all the time. I've just read so many threads on here where the person does everything to save their marriage and the other person just takes advantage of it, uses and lies to them and then abandons them. Over in piecing it's even worse, a few years later it happens again etc. etc. I don't like seeing people disrespected and treated poorly.
I know this is a marriage saving board. I'm just wondering if a bit less of putting up with stuff, more boundaries and self respect would win in the long run instead. Who knows.
Overall, I agree with whitelight. Which is why I would emphasize a person dealing with themselves from day one here, instead of focusing on the one thing they CAN NOT change and that is their spouse. If newcomers could grasp that and deal honestly with themselves and their own personal failures/shortcomings and GAL, it would foster self-respect. In that, natural boundaries would soon be drawn and respect quietly demanded or the offender would no longer be welcome to make contact.
That said, MLC is different monster. If you're going to go through one of those with your spouse you first need to get used to being on the outside of it. You're persona non grada because the one closest to them gets the blame for most of their problems. It is just the nature of the beast. And you can not change their mind, manipulate their position or talk them into seeing "reality". Besides that, who is to say the LBSs version of reality is even true? 9 times out of 10, it is screwed up as well, but you're the one here so you bear the burden to educate yourself and make your choice to stay or go.
If a person who finds themselves here has been here for a long time and they are still allowing themselves to be a victim of emotional abuse they HAVE NOT done the necessary work on themselves. Self-respect and healthy pride do not make a doormat. All that person has done is feign patience and employ strategy. And if that's all you've done, you don't have it in you to make it from MLC-hell to piecing anyway. That is my opinion. In these scenarios we see here, most have become educated enough by these boards and Michelle's tools that there is no excuse for being a victim of a spewing MLCer after a certain amount of time (determined by each person individually). I don't feel for those people as passionately as whitelight does. They have the tools, they are just too lazy to use them or are in denial about their own imperfections and failures within the marriage. MLC is not an excuse that should get the MLCer off on paying the piper however it is also not an excuse for an LBS not to turn the mirror around on themselves, look closely and deal with what they find there.
