It's the same problem with my W. I think she's trapped herself into believing there is no other solution besides D. She wants to be a stronger person and stop being a "yes" girl and a pleaser. If she comes back, that's what she'll be in her mind, that same old pleaser.
I think a lot of our WAS are like that. But I think it's not the LBS or the R that makes them a yes girl or a pleaser. It's their own actions and choices. Just because she has a different R in the future, she would probably still be the same pleaser unless she really works on making the changes for herself and continuing to work on that. I mean I have been working on those same issues, and feel I will always need to a bit, whether I am married to my H, single or dating someone else. My H says we had a dysfunctional R, but the truth is it's the people that are in the R that are acting dysfunctional, and I think you need to deal with that no matter what. Don't know if I'm making any sense here... Karen
Yes people who put a bad name on a relationship are trying to throw the blame & pressure of responsibility away from themselves.
Relationships are inanimate objects, a name, a description of a specific state between 2 individuals.
Individuals are responsible for the state of a relationship. When people leave a relationship without fixing issues or attempting to do fix them or learn from the mistakes that they contributed to the relationship, they are doomed to repeat them in the next relationship. Hence the higher incident rate of 2nd,3rd,4th divorces. It actually gets worse with each subsequent marriage, the tolerance level is much lower, a person experiences the same problems, doesn't realize that they are the common denominator in each new relationship, they bring problems with them, the problems don't stay away or vanish because it's a new relationship. People are also attracted to similar people in new relationships, regardless of what people will admit. It's because we know what we like, what we're attracted to, alot of that doesn't change from person to person. You end up picking someone similar in the next relationship/marriage, perform the same problems, repeat the same mistakes and call it quits much earlier because you won't tolerate that crap anymore but fail to realize the crap is determined by you.
You want a great relationship, be the great relationship. Take 100% responsibility for it's health, make it the best ever, be the kind of spouse you would want in your partner, you want changes in your relationship, look in the mirror and realize that the only real changes that you have the power to make are in yourself. You can't reach out for your spouse, yell at them, reason with them, shake the bad parts out of them. It's impossible and it's very controlling & manipulative to think you can do that with your spouse. Make the changes necessary within yourself, make compromises with your behavior if you want something different, realize something different is required from you first & foremost before you see it in others and then realize the truth that to see a change in your spouse and in your relationship, you have to be the change, the catalyst for change to draw out improved behavior in someone else.
It's one of the hardest lessons to learn and one of the most important. That's why so many relationships fail, we expect the other person to change because we're all obviously perfect and require no change, the other person is at fault, they have a poor attitude, they don't do this or that, etc.
To make a great positive change in your relationships & marriages, the change has to come from you and if you make it a great change, something extremely positive and attractive (not just physically), you will inspire change in others if you truly make a change in yourself.
