JDOllie's Story #6

[pearlharbr]

Here's the version I sent:

You cheated on me and lied about it, to my face and to others. And you continue to be involved in this affair. I want to be with someone who I trust, someone who doesn't lie to me and hurt me. You obviously are not that type of man.

You also told me that you stayed with me because it was easier than leaving. I will never again be with someone who feels that way about our relationship. I tried with you, but I can now see that it just wasn't working for us. I want to be with someone who loves me and WANTS to be with me and isn't just staying because it is easier on him.

I want and deserve to be with someone who I feel is my best friend. We never had that.

And if your message below is a representation of your feelings for me and our relationship then it's just not enough for me, not even close.

My advice is not to send it until you know you're ready. I think you really need to mean everything that's said. With me it's not a tactic or ploy of any kind, this is how I feel. Well, I feel even more but decided to tone it down. But you already know about the anger.

[JDOllie]

Pearl - how funny that his response is "can I pick up my stuff?" Personally, I'd have it sitting out on the front porch if it were me...

Journaling:

I was sort of reading you (Pearl's) and Tawnya's comments to each other about sort of being glad it was over, and I'm trying to sort out my feelings.

I love W deeply - we had a great relationship, wonderful time with our kids. The summer before the "bomb" we went to Siesta Key in Florida - for a week doing nothing but talking, lazing around, just hanging out - just enjoying being with each other. My point being that we didn't have "separate" lives - maybe a bit co-dependent, but you know...

We rarely, if ever fought, we just sort of "lost the passion". I still believe that our family would be awesome together - and it's not some sort of delusional thing where I'm trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. I'm thinking more clearly than ever, probably.

What it boils down to for me is not whether we could work things out, but if W is too far gone to allow it.

This month of darkness that is now 3+ weeks gone has really brought out the worst in her - but it has brought out the best in me. I have not responded to insults/goofy stuff, I have been a man and stood strong when I needed to, I have stepped back and kept my mouth shut when I needed to.

I have separated the normal highs and lows from the stupid reactive highs and lows. I still get a weird feeling in my stomach, and my heart pounds when W calls, but I just don't pick up - how dumb is that?

I guess I NEED to poop or get off the pot - if I can be crude. I guess this is sort of what I'm afraid of. If I press W, she will definitely go the dissolution or divorce route - I'm unsure as to why she's delaying - it only hurts her to delay further.

Also, again, there is some evidence that the A is cooling off - they used to date a bunch the first few weeks. He even drove the hour+ to see her when she had the flu - heh. Now, according to my kids, they only see each other once a week, and it's with the kids at all times.

So, the big wimpy doesn't-want-to-lose-his-family side is afraid that pushing D right now would kill things right when they are getting better.

So, I guess I'm wondering aloud what my OTHER options are? I could end the darkness and start some small friendly conversations with W - she has certainly tried to start them with me. Definitely has started convos that has not been necessary for the kids - and even called about stuff with the kids that she didn't need to call about.
I think if OM is still involved, I shouldn't do anything - OR is this the time to pounce when it seems like the polish has worn off?

Or is that just going to get my hopes back up, and drop me again?

Or is it best to grow a pair, ask W flat out, and get it over with?

Sigh - mostly rhetorical questions, and quite honestly, since I don't KNOW what the R is with OM, then it's all conjecture at this point.

[lemonsnap]

JD,
Wish I had the magic answer for you...
Since I don't, I just hope that you can find peace during the turmoil and that you are guided in the direction that is best for you and your happiness.

[pearlharbr]

I think it's good that you're contemplating all your options at this point. I'm a big proponent of not doing something big unless you know in your gut you're ready for that next step. So I don't know that you need to fish or cut bait (my less crude version ) right now. That's just my two cents.

I would recommend going the whole month of darkness before making the next move, whatever it may be. Perhaps it's just a personal thing, but for me it was/is important to follow through with a plan since I'm terrible at follow through. That's why I scheduled MC even though I knew deep down it wasn't going to do any good. I had suggested it, xBF had agreed, so I wanted to show both of us that I would follow through.

As I'm writing this I realize that I'm procrastinating horribly in regards to my job search. I have a meeting with my counselor tomorrow afternoon and I haven't even started my assignment that's going to take several hours. So I'm off and will return tomorrow!

[K4D]

JD,

Definitely give it the entire month. I'm in agreement with that. Maybe God will show you something at the end. Never know. Just keep praying, being faithful, and asking him to show you signs of what you should do. He will. Its not selfish to ask for direction from God. If you stay faithful to him, he will show you. Just be listening and watching when he does.

Thats what I try to do. So far, by miracle only, I am still in my house by delays that keep coming up beyond any of my doing. Its amazing. I'm not going to say its going to change my W's mind. But something is going on. God is directing me for a reason. And every day I pray for direction and ask God to show my signs on what he wants me to do. I also pray for the reconciliation fo my M every day. Most days I pray multiple times a day.

Keep being patient. You might be surprised especially since the A seems to be dying down. Remember, its in Gods time, not ours.

Kevin

[silvagod]

JD...IMHO, there is no rush for anything apart from on a moral perspective.

Everyone knows where they stand, you and your family know why and what you are doing.

If it aint broke, don't fix it.

[Tawnya]

{{{JD}}} I think you are doing great and should keep on keeping on at least until your month is over..your perspective may be much clearer by then and, if not, do it for another month..there IS no hurry..you are putting the hurry on yourself..

Changing/filing/standing/whatever only works when you FEEL it and know it and are ready for it..but I am glad Pearl and I got you thinking. In my sitch, I would NEVER EVER EVER have thought I would have felt the way I feel..but I feel such a freedom and relief and peace now that is very cool..but ever sitch is different and you can't go by mine any more than I can go by yours in when is the right vs wrong timing to do anything..

{{{JD}}} Hope you are having a great day!! Any other house fixing up plans?

Tawnya

[Startingover2]

Yep..don't do anything until you are ready. What is the hurry? I would give it the rest of the month too. You are doing well and remaining calm. So great!

[JDOllie]

{{Tawnya}} - I'm actually going to focus on cleaning today. Now that I have a working dryer I have laundry to get caught up on, and need to change/wash sheets, sweep, all that maintenance stuff.

I've started segmenting my days, and making myself focus on a task - i.e. cleaning. Helps me get it done.

Then, I'm going to watch a movie and veg out. Tomorrow, I will work on getting up my new blinds and the pantry door back on. Thursday will be putting down the base board, and it's all done! Then Friday, off to the circus with my family...

Funny stuff:

W called me this morning. She is keeping kids home from school as a virus is running rampant. She went and picked up her Mom last night to bring her up to watch the kids - hee hee!

So she asked me if I would mind picking up the kids books from school so her mom can work with them (she won't get home until this evening). Of course, I'd love the opportunity to see the kids, so I did so.

Best thing was, her mom loves(d) me, and I thought she was super cool. So, I went in all chipper, gave her a big old hug. I think she felt sort of awkward. We just yakked for a few. I walked her through the homework, and we just talked about the kids, then I took off. It was good - I'm sort of nosy/curious if W is going to bring OM by - I would be sort of surprised. Although, her mom is very meek, and doesn't say anything. Heh, her dad would tell OM exactly what he thought of him.

Anyway, I was actually sort of surprised that W would want me to have an interaction with her Mom. I haven't seen them in several months, and wasn't invited for Christmas. I didn't say a word about W - just bopped in, and smiled and laughed and left.

[pearlharbr]

Great interaction with MIL JD!

Don't forget when you do baseboards to caulk and fill the nail holes. I am a stickler for details!