Divorce looming #4

[K4D]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

25, here is a personal email I set up just for this occasion if you do want to go through it line by line and email it to me.



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I think yall have talked me into having an attorney look at it. I may just have to stay in a hotel for a week.

The original lease does not have my name on it. Its an old one that my W had to sign to show residency to get our kids in school when she moved up here ahead of me. However, the old lease is no longer valid acoording to new city regulations. So I'm not sure it would hold up.

My W's parents are against me. They are all about making their daughter happy. This isn't about whats right or wrong to them. Its about their families happiness comes first. And if she has a chance to hook up with a guy that makes more money, they are all about the money as that is what her mom and sister both did. So now W is doing the same thing.

She is going to get mad at me and say I have changed my mind once again and that I never keep promises. But I do have to protect myself. I didn't realize I had so many rights in my situation. I thought I was probably screwed if I didn't go along with what she wanted. I don't have to have the money from her. Its just helpful. But not required. Money gets spent so much that there is really nothing in savings. We did get our tax return and I got a few extra checks. But I have to take into account my portion that goes to the kids also.

I see what you are saying about sobriety. I'd be interested in your line by line analysis if you have the time and are interested. Again, just send it to that email address I listed.

Kevin

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

well Kev,
your wife's family history is really impressive. How "ambitious". Kind of upwardly mobile, but actually more efficient & faster since it piggybacks on someone else's efforts.

Why bother with years of sacrifice and schooling and work, when you can just hook up with someone else who has? Especially someone like say, a lawyer or doctor, who's wife put him thru all the years of training and raised the kids pretty much alone, but now isn't as fun as someone 20 years younger ( no this did not happen to me, but as a doctor's wife I CAN say I know at least a dozen men who have done this, -and one woman doctor-and it's really such a cliche, like something you'd think was a poorly written Hollywood film. But like your wife, sometimes people don't know how UNoriginal their crazy "once in a life time soul mate" behavior is...)

Two thoughts--first off, I reject the idea that her family just wants "her happiness" no matter what. Do they dislike you b/c of the drinking? Something else? You are the father of their grandchildren. Or is it really just fine with them, as in "(sigh)...too bad daugher isn't happy enough right now but hey, if ruining two families MIGHT make her feel good today, that is what she should do....and we're just fine with that b/c after all she IS blood..." NOT!

As a mother, yes, I want my child to be happy...oh, and MORAL...and I think there is a connection between living a morally decent life and being happy. If I can't look myself in the mirror when I'm 75 y/o b/c I'm ashamed of myself....how "happy" is that? As parents here on this site, we should ALL know that if our children someday end up causing someone to come to these boards b/c of our child's behavior, meaning if OUR child is a WAS someday, may I assume we ALL know we'd be having a real "come to Jesus" talk with them? I can assure you I will.

YOU also want your wife's happiness (her parents have a short term view, to say the least) but only an idiot would tie that solely to someone's salary....does this mean your wife's sister and mother both left men for guys who earned more? So none of them have their first Marriage's intact? Wow, that is some legacy of love and committment and quite a family tradition.
Gosh, hope no one gets cancer or a slowly degenerating disease that requires help from a spouse...oh well, that's why you HIRE help...forget about saying "for richer, for poorer" and just say "for all promotions and raises"

Gee Kevin, we really ought to do something to help future men who your wife's ilk would otherwise marry, get impregnated by, and or then leave. Think of the saved lives and children who won't have to witness this or grow up to continue this fine family tradition.

You know, let's save them all some time so they don't waste any of their precious years, or yours, or your kids, or an otherwise decent man's life, by spending it with someone earning too little...

(People, let's all help Kev out here okay, I mean -- learning to laugh at this idiocy DOES help, trust me...)


So Here is a list of things your wife should look for when she starts dating again-- as the R with today's OM will inevitably end and she'll either snap out of her wackiness , or she'll carry on her family's genetic defect--- so here is a "list" of questions for the next time she starts fishing for a "good catch:"

*) what is the adjusted gross income (AGI) of new man;
*) FICA score please
*) debt to income ratio;
*) list of ex wives and their take of new man's AGI
*) list of children new man admits fathering and supporting;
*) job history and expected promotions, increases in pay, etc
*) cost of mistress(es)
*) liklihood of heart attack in new man,
*) number of men (ex husbands) who want to kill new man;
*) list of beneficiaries so when new man dies, STBXW can know what she'll get;
*) crimes committed by new man, e.g., tax evasion, embezzlement, etc. that are likely to be discovered and amounts of money hidden in overseas accounts...
*) test results for sexually transmitted diseases; and...
*) other stuff we'll all think of later to ask rich guys...


There, I think I've done my part for the world today. Granted it won't help YOU, but think of the innocent lives your wife's family's type, won't get to ruin.

Whatever happened to her biological father? And the first h of her sister, was he a good guy who simply didn't earn enough? Is she really happier now that she ruined two families for...MONEY? (Oh, sorry, I meant to say "success")...

Also, is your wife SAYING that you don't earn enough and that she is attracted to OM"s money, or is turned on by it, or is this your take on it, based on the pattern you see in her family? I'd be ashamed to admit it out loud if I were her but then again, I'd be ashamed of a bunch of things if I were her.

Hope you don't mind this satire. Someone once told me I use humor to cope with pain....um YEAH, (seems healthier than beating up the old people...) and believe me, if your wife is having a MLC then you have to stay detached and have a sense or irony and humor, etc. But hey, if this is some family "trait" then down the road you may feel you are better off. Even if you made 7 figures, it could all end in a day. You could crash your car and need your butt wiped for decades and is she the type of woman to do that? I know you love her and I hope she gets better. But then, there are times one has to wonder if you are being done a favor...IF this is a trait that only manifested now, then I guess it's better to know now. (Did she ever comment on their choices?)

We lost 3 family members the last 14 months and my mil is terminally ill. If someone had bolted instead of sticking it out with the terminally ill spouse/parent, I cannot imagine what would happen. I suspect we'd have done an "intervention" if you know what I mean. What type of behavior does your wife's family display at this type of ordeal?

You'll raise your kids differently. They won't carry on the ways of your wife's family. Thank GOD...literally.

(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

and YES see a L asap....in case we weren't totally clear...

I mean, I know you're busy but is there something more important you have going on in your life this week?

((( j )))

[K4D]

Sorry yall. Internet has been down. Responding from my blackberry. Attorney is revieweing the agreement. W was pissed. Blew her top. I am still in the house. I will explain more once internet is back up.

Kevin

[davidswife]

Ofcourse she was pissed - God forbid she doesn't get her way. Just like taking a toy away from a two year old - tantrum. Doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do, though.

[spellfire]

At this stage you need to protect yourself at all costs. If not you, then who? She does not have your interests in mind. Do not be afraid of upsetting her, she learned long ago how to pull your strings and her getting upset is just one of those ways.

Now is the time to stand up for yourself sir.

Even if she does not respect you for it (and she should), show respect for yourself right now.

My best wishes to you,
SF

[K4D]

Thanks. Trying to. I don't see things getting any better as much as I wish they would. It will probably be years before she thinks about us again. Ugg.

25, Where ya at?

Kevin

[K4D]

Ok. I'm at my kids counseling appointment with my laptop and there is free Wifi here.

So I told W about having to have an attorney review the agreement and yes, she blew up and said she can't trust me to keep promises. No surprise there. I expected that.

So the attorney has it and says she can't get to it til Friday. Buys me another week in the house hopefully. I tried to keep from laughing as all these things keep happening to delay my leaving. Has to be God at work.

Our internet at home is down til Wednesday morning when a tech is coming out to fix it.

W tried to tell me how much this is costing her for me to go to Florida for a few months. I didn't say anything back. Lets see, she racked up 25k behind my back. I passed on a 90k job to her that was supposed to take us financially into the future together that I could have taken myself. She committed adultery. I paid for her and the kids to move to Dallas for 4 months when she didn't want to stay behind and wait for my job to finish. She is Ding me. I could be entitled to money from her that so far I have not come after. But you know, I am the one who is taking advantage here.

I am just trying to get a better career now so I can take care of the kids and myself better now since she is walking off with the job I passed onto her.

25, her mom left a bad marriage and didn't remarry until she met a guy about 15 years older that makes alot of money. She then told my W that she should have married someone rich. Her sister left her H for a guy that makes over 200k a year. Her sister is still not D'd but is sleeping with this guy and basically living with him. This guy was married to. Now my W has taken the same road. Married, sleeping with a guy that is married with kids and Ding me.

Her mom and step dad tell me they don't want this. But then I read in an email that her mom is all for it. Her sisters H had his issues, but nothing that warranted this.

Her real dad is a historical cheater and womanizer. He has said he is all for whatever makes W happy. He said he got D'd and is happier now with his new W. Of course her real dad slept with his new W's daughter who was underage before marrying W's step mom.

There is lots more to this family. But truly they are messed up. I thought my W was the only stable one out of the bunch. And for 11 years she was. But not anymore. She has joined in like the rest of them.

So I may be here til Saturday. W said she will not remain faithful. No surprise. She also said had she known I was going to have an attorney look at the agreement, she would not have let me touch her Saturday when we slept together. She was using sex to get what she wanted. She is also using it to get the OM. I said I hadn't planned on having an attorney look at it on Saturday. It wasn't until Sunday morning after reading everything by yall that I made the decision. This still infuriated her and she said she can't trust me. Well, everytime I decide something, new information somehow shows up that makes me reconsider. You know, little things like the affair. Like realizng I am being screwed in this agreement. Etc. And she wants to talk about trust? How about all the lies she has told me. The affair, etc. But I guess none of that matters.

In the end, I am still praying for a reconciliation. Wow, I wonder if it will ever happen? Anything is possible.

Kevin

[spellfire]

In the end, I am still praying for a reconciliation. Wow, I wonder if it will ever happen? Anything is possible.

Yes, anything is possible, but it is not going to happen soon. I would encourage you to let go for a while. I am not saying it is forever, but at least for now while she is in this state. If she changes, you may renew hope, but for now you need to focus on what is best for you, without the pressure of trying to save something that is largely out of your hands.

[K4D]

I know SP,

It is out of my hands. Its in Gods hands. I do need to learn to detach and let it go.

Its hard letting it go mentally and emotionally. I know she walked away from this M months ago and I am the only one still in it.

I guess I keep thinking there is still good in her. I have seen it for years. Wow, I sound like a jedi knight. But I know there is. She is just having a MLC right now. All of this attention from guys, money, etc is just to much for her to handle. At some point down the road I think she will realize things. But it may be a very very long time from now. And by then, she may be in another M and feel its to late. Or she may never look back and care. I don't know. I'm not sure with her. Something has gone haywire in her. I know I can't fix it.

I just know that I love her and want us to work things out. But I can't do it on my own. She has to want to also. And that has to come from within her. There isn't much I can do to bring that out in her at this time.

Kevin