Thanks Mel. I know others are probably tired of hearing this, but my W has NEVER even said "I'm sorry".
The closest I got from her was "Am I ashamed of what I've done? I guess somewhat, but I'm more ashamed that you told OMW and our kids". Total justification and rationalization of her actions. Yes, she did something bad, but what I did was worse. Uh, excuse me, but if you hadn't had the A there wouldn't have been anything to tell OMW and our kids.
If that's the best she can do with an apology, then I think I'll be moving on.
I've been mulling an idea over in my head. I know some of you will probably scream, but next Monday is our anniversary. I'm thinking of planning a trip to Fla for us in early May as a gift. Kind of like a last grasp. Continue doing what I'm doing for 2 more months, take the trip and if things are still the same.....
I know, I know, I've been doing this type thing for almost a year now and it's got me no where, but I just feel like if I didn't give us one final shot before folding, then I'd regret it.
Comments?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
I think the time has come for a discussion, not another trip. Sure, they do seem to bring you closer but right now you need to let her know that you need more than crumbs from her and then tell her as specifically as you can what you need from her. Let her know that you need an apology and not some tacked on excuse.
She thinks she is ashamed, WTH??? Sorry that is not any kind of apology. Heck I think I have told you sorry more times in the year that I have known you then in the whole time she has known you. Maybe something that didn't bother you before, but it does now. I realize that it isn't a conversation that you are looking forward to, but you have to get to it someday. Why not now before YOU fly the coop?
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
What I struggle with is what Mel posted. Am I just hyper sensitive now and she's really just being how she's always been? And if so, why do I now have a problem with it?
I posted before, but it probably needs repeated, my W has always had a hard time opening up to me. Even when she liked me. About once every six months or so she would let herself be vulnerable with me. So I know it's got to be terrifying for her now. And she's just like her mom. Total stone with her emotions. I'm sure that's why OM was so attractive. Because all it was was fantasy, she could let herself go because there were no expectations. Just passion. Ok, I just had a little puke come up in my throat when I said that.....
I need to think on this more. What keeps going through my head is, why not do the trip? When we go we have a GREAT time. I've been at this so long now anyway, what's another couple months. I'm not going to get transferred before fall anyway, and with the housing market and such, we'd be stuck living in the same house till it happens, so why not give it a last try? In the grand scheme of things, what's a couple more months of showing her what she'll be missing?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
What I struggle with is what Mel posted. Am I just hyper sensitive now and she's really just being how she's always been? And if so, why do I now have a problem with it?
I posted before, but it probably needs repeated, my W has always had a hard time opening up to me. Even when she liked me. About once every six months or so she would let herself be vulnerable with me. So I know it's got to be terrifying for her now. And she's just like her mom. Total stone with her emotions. I'm sure that's why OM was so attractive. Because all it was was fantasy, she could let herself go because there were no expectations. Just passion. Ok, I just had a little puke come up in my throat when I said that.....
You know the first thought that entered my mind after reading this part of your post and knowing that you have a fear of having a conversation like this....If you had a IC, then email it to him/her but cc it to wife but then call her and say I sent something to my councelor but it accidentally also was sent to your email account. Its private between the councelor and me so please don't read that email just delete it.
You know she will read it and then you can see how she will react.
I'm not really afraid of the conversation ending our marriage. I'm pretty much ok with it if it does.
What I am afraid of is blowing it in the 4th quarter. So what I struggle with is, is just when it seems like she continues to move closer to me if I'm just getting impatient and if I push it now, I'll blow it, ya know?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Then you must be a saint! I dealt with this stuff for 2.5 years becasue I loved my H. Now he talks about me fighting for our marriage as if it were some criminally offense!
You have changed some too. With what you put up with before, now just isn't good enough. I think you have been letting her know that her thoughts and feelings matter but does it never get to be about you??? At least a little? The resentment will continue to build if you can't let it out at least a little. Maybe don't tackle the whole thing right now but at least start on the tip of the iceberg and gradually you will be talking about the elephant that is sitting between you.
You can do this and by the way...you need to.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I do NOT think you are being hypersensitive. You have to get your needs met too. Absolutely.
Geez. Can't believe she has never apologized about her A. Can't believe you didn't make her or expect her to before you agreed to R. I have to agree with Flynn and Kat.
You need to bring it up now. And you need to get what you need too. She must think this is a great ride! She has the A, and you are bending over backwards to make her happy!!!
I think all I am wanting is for you to have concrete proof so that when you go to her to complain, you have instances of her behavior. It's not "when I get apples and carrots at the grocery store" which implies always/never, it's "Sunday when I did this, you...xyz" Make 1000 billion percent sure that she hasn't said thank you for a week or been interested in anything you do for a week or whatever because believe me, she sounds like the type who will throw up the ONE time that you forgot and use it against you so that it deflates the rest of your argument. Have had that happen to me and then I am all flustered and forget the point. I HATE arguing.
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Must agree with Kat on one thing too. H feels like me fighting for our M at this point is a criminal offense.
I finally told him, "THANK GOD!! THANK GOD I FINALLY REALIZED I WAS SCREWING UP AND WANTING TO WORK IT OUT." It's like he would rather I have been the type of person to run off and never look back...and the other thing was that he thought I would not have left OM on my own accord...that it must have fell through somehow. It is amazing sometimes how the mind works and what we convince ourselves is the "truth".
Melissa
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
