HORRID ! Help ! Forgive me Lord !

[Cinderellaman]

This smacks of: treating-myself-so-badly-and-f***ing-a-stranger-will-be-just-the-trick-to-shake-H-up-and-make-him-come-home sex. There is no way such sex would be good.

OMG, Oldtimer, I'm afraid, you have this all wrong. It has nothing to do with making H want to come back....if anything I know that by having done this I've blown my chances with H. But it was never meant to be about that ! This was about ME and feeling special (or so I thought), he wasn't the one for me..nope. NOT everyone we meet is a possible relationship ! And about him being a player...I'm sorry, but he's not. I've seen where he lives, I know how hard he works and where and how many hours he has to put in it to earn a living. This guy WORKS to survive...he is by no means a player. If anything I played HIM. I wanted to feel good, to get attention, to feel wanted, to feel I still had it in me...and I got all that and more....but found out it's not worth anything if it's not coming from the right guy...and ALSO it's not worth anything if I'm not ready and healed !

I discussed this with my H, because even though I still call him H on these boards I have realised a while back that we are no longer in a marriage. He is in a relationship and I live alone with the kids. Those are the facts. I see H as a friend, confidant, buddy, and I think he is big enough to tell me if he does not want that kind of relationship with me, as I have often told him.

Anyway, my first thought was the kids, my first HORROR was 'what have I possibly done that may end up hurting these kids', so please don't tell me I have not considered them. All my life, I have been trying to live up to this 'perfect' image of what a girl, woman, mother, wife should be like...

I made a mistake. Yes a serious one. There are many of us who have made the same mistake. I could just as easily be diagnosed with cancer in 6 months as I could of aids...we do not know how long we have here...and even though, I KNOW that this will not happen to me again, for I have learnt my lesson, I also know that life doesn't stand or break from one mistake in life. (certainly not this kind of mistake....it's not like I killed someone and will spend the rest of my life in prison...)

I needed to do this for ME.

I needed to break free from ME, not H.

Please understand that.