The Dark Man...undercover

[Jimbo]

First I wanted to thank everybody for chiming in with your support for me after my little therapeutic pseudo-drunken ramble. I learned a good deal about myself during and after it.

Yes, Jack. I am a Galahad. Is it possible for a Galahad to change? No, I don't think so. Is it possible for a Galahad to change his ACTIONS?

Yes.

I have looked back on my sitch and feel I have much to be proud of in handling it. I am a sensitive soul, and very much a problem-solver: if I can see someone headed top-speed into a brick wall and I can prevent it, I will. That is what a good friend and a good husband does for the people he loves. But what happens when you can see them headed for the brick wall at top-speed, and they refuse to turn the wheel to avoid? My first R taught me that you need to let them hit. I did everything I felt I could do (within my moral structure) to "save" the R. In the end, she needed to learn her lessons "paid in her own coin". She came from the school of hard knocks- it was all she knew, and apparently, all she understood. While my W is not from that school (as far as I know), not only can I not convince her to turn the wheel, she will accuse me of being manipulative if I were to do so!

"More coins, please."

I have struggled since this MLC began with what my responsibility as her H was to her. It boils down to a variant of "Am I my brother's keeper?" My answer: yes, but if my W can not/will not help herself/the R and/or heed the warning signs when presented with them, then she must bear the responsibility for her own actions. We can not (and should not!) control them or their actions, or hold ourselves responsible for them. (A certain able seaman helped me to learn that lesson. Many thanks to him for his post.)

Conclusion: I leave my W in the capable hands of God, knowing that, eventually, she will learn whatever she is to learn in her own way. More importantly, I will not begrudge her because her learning style is not my own.

I will also be more attentive to my responsibilities toward MYSELF. I used to hold a belief that selfishness was a human foible. Not so. There must be a degree of selfishness for a love R to even exist. (We wouldn't be in a R if it didn't "feel good", right?) If we do not care for ourselves, and our own needs to some degree, we can not possibly expect to be equipped to love/serve others. When we take selfishness (or anything else, for that matter!) to an extreme, this is where we get off the path.

I will work on myself even more so - now that I have convinced myself that it is for me, and not part of some sort of hidden agenda in my psyche to get my W back.

If we were meant to be together again, she will come back. If not, I have to believe there are better and brighter things down the road for both of us.

It is what it is.

I surrender and submit - God's Will be done.