Que Sera, Sera - Whatever Will Be, Will Be

[lemonsnap]

Pearl - thanks for helping me refocus! I have a bad cold - maybe that's why I'm not being more proactive doing things on my own this weekend.

However, one of my goals for the weekend is to sit down and brainstorm a list of things I'd like to do in my lifetime, in the next weeks, months, years ahead. I think it will be a helpful reference when I'm feeling stuck.

Jenn - I need the luck! Thanks for sending some my way. You're right - it's easy for me to "get lost." You're absolutely right that it's all a matter of how I handle things. I am trying to hold my head high and do what is right for me.

It's a bit of a foreign concept for me right now. I've always been very good at "helping" everyone else, including my H, and have spent a lot of time focusing on the two of us.

Time for a vacation from that mentality. I need to take a mental ME vacation. After all - for the next who-knows-how long, I'm going to be spending a lot more time with myself, alone!

[pearlharbr]

How was MC lemon?

Taking a mental lemonsnap vacation is a great idea!

[lemonsnap]

Well, another weekend survived.

MC on Friday was interesting. It was mostly the two of us listening to our MC discuss the results of our first session, our two individual sessions as well as a lot of information from questionnaires that we had filled in independently.

From all of that information, she really feels that we're leading "parallel lives." We're very good at resolving conflicts, but at the peril of not deeply discussing things and voicing what our real needs are (ESPECIALLY H.)

Rather than have any conflict, he has chosen to just do whatever he thought I would like most, whatever he thought I wanted. This had an incredibly unbalancing effect on our relationship. And, after all of this, he's reached the end of his rope, and is unable to live with me any longer or work on our M because all of the anger, stress, and unaired frustrations of his have finally reached a breaking point and he's had it.

And here I was thinking that we did a pretty decent job of communicating!! Hah!

The most frustrating part for me right now is hearing from MC that there are a lot of things that H has potentially never shared with me. Frustrations, opinions, dislikes, etc. and I am totally in the dark. Obviously these are part of the reason why he is done with our R, but how does one go about understanding them or trying to make positive changes when you DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID THAT WAS BOTHERING OR UPSETTING HIM?

Sigh.

Another eye opener was to hear more about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Apparently my H is probably pre-disposed to a reaction like that to a traumatic event (my one-night stand in 2005) due to his childhood history of having dealt with many traumas related to his father's alcoholism. His learned response to trauma was to shut down and pull inside of himself as a protective response to negativity.

Of course, the wall that he built around himself has blocked me out too. I'm at fault for a portion of that, but he is responsible as well.

I wish there was something I could do to remove some of the bricks in that wall. PTSD can be pretty serious, and I'm concerned about his well being in general, not just as it relates to us and any possible future between us.

H's apartment search continues, and this morning he said he would not go to MC (to try to understand the issues that led us to this point, not to work on our M) until he is in his own apartment. He said he would go to MC once he has his own place, but emphasized that he would go "for me." At this point, that means he thinks it might help me get some closure for this whole situation.

I do think it would help us - me especially, as I might get a little more insight into the things that have caused him so much frustration.

[pearlharbr]

I know you don't want to hear this, but going to MC right now is pointless if your H doesn't want to be there. You will hear/read this many times on the boards, it's what my DB coach told me, and it is also my personal experience.

xBF said he'd go to MC if that was what I wanted. He made it through two joint and one individual session, but at the end of each one it was the MC who was sort of pressuring him to make the next appt. I decided to keep going by myself and I do find it helpful.

I understand how frustrating it is to learn there are lots of things your H just never told you. Boy does that sound familiar! And you think, "I'm not a mind reader. How can I address something if I don't know it's an issue?" And you're right.

Keep in mind that it's good to get everything out in the open so you both have an honest picture of what's going on. But you cannot control his actions. That's why it's important to focus on what you contributed to the issues and how to address that and become a better person. If and when he's ready to work on the R you will be in a good place to do that.

[lemonsnap]

I finally told my parents this weekend about our upcoming separation and H's desire to move out and not work on our relationship right now. I'd told my mom about it some on 2/13 but hadn't wanted her to tell my dad because at that point I wasn't sure if it was really going to happen.

It was really hard to tell them - not only because anytime I have to tell someone, it opens everything up emotionally and is very raw, but also because they're my parents and obviously want the best for me. Not to mention that H and I JUST got married 6 months ago, so this was a complete and total shock to them. (Which I understand, because it was the same for me!)

We had a good discussion and they both expressed their concern and sadness for the situation. My dad took it really hard. I think it really shocked him. He reacted less negatively than I had anticipated, although there was some protective dad in there too that got angry for a little while.

I didn't go into the details with them, told them it was very complicated and that H and I were both doing the best we could given the situation. I asked them for understanding and to treat H with compassion and understanding as well, because if we ever reconcile, their reactions to and treatment of this situation will be important to our ongoing family relationship. I don't want negative reactions or emotions on their behalf to come in between my H and me if things ever improve between us.

I asked them to tell some other close family members just generally about the separation. I can't really face having to have those conversations with others right now.

H and I didn't spend very much time together this weekend. He was out looking for an apartment on Saturday, and I went to my parents' house for a while and then worked on projects in another part of the house. I went out to dinner (alone) with friends to celebrate a birthday and even went out dancing with them. The club was all decorated for Mardi Gras. It was odd to be out without H but I did have a good time!! I love dancing.

On Sunday I had tea with my mom and two other friends of ours, and then visited my grandma at her care center.

It is getting a little easier to be by myself. The weird thing is that sometimes when H isn't home, I start to miss him and want him to come home, and then when he does get home, I seem to get annoyed with his presence!! What's with that?

Hopefully it's just a phase that will pass. I know I'm just going through a lot of new emotions right now and am obviously still pretty confused about this totally new stage of my life.

[lemonsnap]

Goals for this week:

Write down a list of activities and things I would like to do - in life, in general, next week, now, whenever! I was going to do this over the weekend and didn't get to it. It will be a good reminder of things that I can and want to do - especially when I'm feeling stuck.

Attend yoga on Monday and Wednesday.

Work on my crafts project at home.

Work on being more cheerful around H, even when I don't feel like it! Practice acting "as if" I'm happy around him.

Tidy up the bedroom and laundry areas.

[JDOllie]

Great goals!

I find cleaning extremely therapeutic. I have worked off many angry times snapping and folding towels to perfection!

Ironing is even better - focusing on all the wrinkles coming out, you know? Am I a little crazy?

Now, keep these up - I always say: "Smile, even if it feels like your cheeks will crack."

[lemonsnap]

JD - No! Ironing is actually really therapeutic. I'm trying my hand at a quilt for a friend's baby, and there's a serious amount of ironing involved. It allows the mind to wander but gives you some focus at the same time. Zen-ironing.

I can just picture the towel snapping. Hee hee!

Thanks for the encouragement. I really need to stay focused on these things right now. They seem to be my anchor during the rough seas.

[pearlharbr]

I found yoga to be very helpful, both mentally and physically. Just be careful about the emotional release afterwards. Do you ever feel yucky after a massage because your body is releasing all the toxins? I had the same response after the first couple times I did yoga. Ended up having a total breakdown with no one to talk to except my mom (we are NOT close, she's my last resort phone call). Hopefully if you're a regular yoga practioner you won't go through that.

You do need to make that list of GAL activities. It's so much fun to start crossing them off! I LOVE my tap dance class and even have fun in the strength & flex class now even though I'm terrible at it.

[lemonsnap]

I've had that experience with massage a few times. I've found that drinking a good amount of water before and after really helps. Helps flush everything out.

So far, yoga has been really relaxing. This is a pretty smooth type of yoga that doesn't push me too hard. I normally do triathlon related stuff, so yoga seems very slow and calming in comparison. Makes swimming, which I thought was pretty introspective, look like a very intense sport.

Tap dance - what FUN! I'm more of a freestyle/club dancer, so organized dance hasn't really appealed to me. Good for you for trying those out. Do you wear fun costumes?