Sorry, but I got interrupted there last time. I was thinking about patterns in our lives, how we recreate the ones that seem familiar to us--often, even, as we think we're trying to break free of patterns/situations that we recognize as unhealthy. And how in our lives we seem to end up cycling through certain lessons; if we don't resolve them the first time, they present themselves in a new way. In my case, I dealt as best as I could when I was younger with the sexual abuse, but I still saw myself as a victim, and couldn't forgive my abuser for that. A week after I finished working through my forgiveness of the abuser, I found out about my H's EA. It reopened old wounds: once again a person that I trusted and loved was cruelly putting his own needs above mine. Instantly, I knew I would be able to forgive him down the line, if appropriate, because I had mastered that process. But there were other issues (like my needs not being considered, my desire for control, and stuff about love and security and self-esteem) that were triggered by both situations, yet not dealt with the first time. I feel I made a lot of progress on them.
Meanwhile, my H had never dealt with his mother's physical and verbal abuse of him as a child. His family tended to ignore her bad behaviour, excusing it because of her medical condition, and focused on her many excellent qualities. But everything he hadn't dealt with resurfaced in his relationship with his bullying boss. Now that he's through his MLC, he's largely resolved that pattern.
I know I feel more fully alive now than I did before the whole MLC experience. I'm sure lots of people here wouldn't agree with me, but I do see something positive in the fact that MLCers are desperately trying to fix something in themselves that is broken. Unfortunately, like a disconsolate toddler, they trash the toyroom instead of recognizing they just wanted a hug....
Have you ever read The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls? It's an extreme case of growing up with an alcoholic dad, but written with such love for his "good parts." What you said about all the horrible stories out there made me think of it.
It sounds as though you have a pretty good handle on your situation, and on your expectations. You say you expect your H to "keep spinning," but it does seem that most eventually do acknowledge regret, even if it's too little too late.
This is just a curious question, but you state that your father would never have abandonned his family. Looking in from the outside, it would appear that disappearing into the bottle would feel like a kind of abandonment? Like he was often not really "there" for you?
I hope you had a good weekend with the cats! How many of them are there? And how is the weight-gain program going--what yummy snacks have you enjoyed lately?
