MC on Friday was interesting. It was mostly the two of us listening to our MC discuss the results of our first session, our two individual sessions as well as a lot of information from questionnaires that we had filled in independently.
From all of that information, she really feels that we're leading "parallel lives." We're very good at resolving conflicts, but at the peril of not deeply discussing things and voicing what our real needs are (ESPECIALLY H.)
Rather than have any conflict, he has chosen to just do whatever he thought I would like most, whatever he thought I wanted. This had an incredibly unbalancing effect on our relationship. And, after all of this, he's reached the end of his rope, and is unable to live with me any longer or work on our M because all of the anger, stress, and unaired frustrations of his have finally reached a breaking point and he's had it.
And here I was thinking that we did a pretty decent job of communicating!! Hah!
The most frustrating part for me right now is hearing from MC that there are a lot of things that H has potentially never shared with me. Frustrations, opinions, dislikes, etc. and I am totally in the dark. Obviously these are part of the reason why he is done with our R, but how does one go about understanding them or trying to make positive changes when you DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID THAT WAS BOTHERING OR UPSETTING HIM?
Sigh.
Another eye opener was to hear more about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Apparently my H is probably pre-disposed to a reaction like that to a traumatic event (my one-night stand in 2005) due to his childhood history of having dealt with many traumas related to his father's alcoholism. His learned response to trauma was to shut down and pull inside of himself as a protective response to negativity.
Of course, the wall that he built around himself has blocked me out too. I'm at fault for a portion of that, but he is responsible as well.
I wish there was something I could do to remove some of the bricks in that wall. PTSD can be pretty serious, and I'm concerned about his well being in general, not just as it relates to us and any possible future between us.
H's apartment search continues, and this morning he said he would not go to MC (to try to understand the issues that led us to this point, not to work on our M) until he is in his own apartment. He said he would go to MC once he has his own place, but emphasized that he would go "for me." At this point, that means he thinks it might help me get some closure for this whole situation.
I do think it would help us - me especially, as I might get a little more insight into the things that have caused him so much frustration.
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
