BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL

[tpaschal]

I read along and I dont really see your ex doing things to push YOUR buttons, perhaps you just interpret it that way, make it about you when maybe it isnt really? Maybe, he just wants to take his kids to his Mums party? Ok, he's being cowardly by not asking you if that is ok, but seems communications have really broken down between the two of you and thats not good hey. Maybe he's 'scared' of a confrontation?

What can you do to improve that? You need to work on friendship with him, IMHO.

Why wont you be around when he comes to pick them up? Why not be aroind, looking good, smiling and use it as an opportunity to DB him? Have you tried being his friend at least, being the bigger person and wishing him well? Avoiding him and being angry and vengeful is perhaps not the way to win someone back? Although, I'm not sure what it is you are trying to do (win him back? wait for him to 'see the light??'). Just wondered!

Hey, all. I may not know Trusting well enough to speak for her, but I've followed her sitch for a while, and I am very much in the same boat with her (except that her H does seem to have more "questioning" or "peeking out of the tunnel" episodes than my exH does.) So, Trusting---sorry in advance if I overstep with anything I say.

AliSuddenly, I also don't mean to slam what you said, because I think you did bring up some good food for thought. Certainly they are things I personally need to think about.


Regarding being exH's friend and "paving the way"---I agree that these things are necessary if a reconciliation is ever to happen. Acting "As If" and being upbeat and positive is great because it shows us, the LBS, in the best light. And when we see our exH's, we should even be friendly, supportive, and encouraging when the situation allows.

HOWEVER, the LBS MUST set boundaries while the MLC'er is still in crisis mode and is still being destructive.

Perhaps in this case Trusting's exH wasn't deliberately trying to push her buttons. Maybe he did just want to take the kids to the party and didn't think T would have a problem with it. But he didn't even consider that T and the kids might have other plans. He didn't ask. And, IMO, that's crossing a boundary. I think we've all seen that MLCer's are incredibly selfish and think only about pleasing themselves, but that doesn't mean that we have to accept it when it comes to our children and our time with our children.

If he had asked, I'm sure Trusting would have had a mature conversation with him and considered what was best for the kids. Since he did not ask, I hope that Trusting will send him a text or an email saying something like, "Thanks for taking the kids to your stepmother's party. I'm glad they got the chance to go, and I'm sure they had fun. However, in the future, I would appreciate a little more advance notice if you would like to do something with the kids on my weekends. I'm glad it worked out yesterday since we didn't have any conflicting plans, but that may not always be the case. Thanks! Have a great week!"

That type of message would show him: 1.) That she wants what is best for the kids, 2.) She is willing to be reasonable and flexible and is not trying to punish him, 3.) She is being friendly and upbeat toward him, but she at the same time still 4.) Establishes a boundary for how he should behave about extra visitation if he wants a positive outcome. (And, oh yeah, number 5. He didn't push her buttons if that was his aim.)

Of course, I wouldn't advocate that for every situation. There are MLCer's who try to control and manipulate the LBS through the children and use visitation times as a weapon. (MrsH's ex comes to mind!) In those cases, there can't be any discussion or negotiation---it needs to be that visitation occurs exactly as the legal papers say it should. In her own sitch, Trusting is the only one who can judge whether or not being flexible with exH about visitation is a good thing for the kids and for her relationship with exH.

I think it was very healthy that Trusting was not planning to be there when exH and OW picked up the kids. To me, exH continuing an adulterous affair and bringing the OW around the children qualifies as destructive. And I, personally, will not pretend that I am okay with exH's adulterous actions. I will not quietly condone his affair by pretending that I am fine with the OW being around my kids. Who knows---maybe this makes exH think of me as harsh and unforgiving, and maybe it puts a roadblock in any future reconciliation. I will have to pray about that in my own sitch. However, having exH bring OW to my home is an absolute no-no. Maybe he will end up marrying the OW, and maybe in time I'll be in a totally different place emotionally and I won't care anymore. But for now? No way.

That is a boundary I will not allow to be broken. It is for ME and MY sanity and well-being. So, if Trusting knows in advance that her exH will be picking up the kids with OW in tow, then yes, she should be gone.

IMO,"Paving the Way" doesn't mean that we encourage our exH's to step all over us. It doesn't mean that we act like doormats. We can't stop them from being in MLC, we can't stop them having an affair, but we can take steps to prevent their hurtful actions from being shoved in our faces.