My W and I have been married for 10 years and, although I was clueless until last November, the warning signs were there for a long time.
During the early years of our M, I was over-focused on work and did not really understand the support that my W needed or how she needed me to return her love. She avoids conflict and never really said anything, although in retrospect I can see that she made a number of attempts to improve things. I can also now see (hindsight is 20/20) that she began withdrawing a couple of years ago. I felt her withdraw, got pulled into the vacuum and without realizing it became the unwitting pursuer.
This all came to a head when I discovered an EA and she dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb just before Thanksgiving, 2008. I went into heavy (but naturally ineffective) full pursuit from then until Christmas time when I discovered DB.
Since then we have been through cycles of my detaching and GALing (and then sometimes backsliding) and her agreeing to end and then restarting the EA. We are still living together, working closely to raise our kids, and sleeping in the same bed, and all of this has made it difficult for me to detach.
I have to keep reminding myself that: in her mind the M has been dead for a long time, She is convinced that a long term M to me means only more "abandonment" from me and that she can never again be in love with me. She badly wants the passion and excitement that she believes would come from a new R where there is "true love", and is really only staying around right now because of the kids and because a D would be unpleasant (she shies away from conflict and change). She is still emotionally tied to OM.
I believe that she is also talking to several divorced friends of hers and trying to figure out a way that she could get a D without the pain or the disruption to the family. She even went so far as to suggest (in a round about way via a story about a friend of hers) that a divorce would be possible where we just keep the house, get a second (how???, with what $$) and just not tell the kids that we were no longer married (WHAT???)
I have to keep reminding myself of all of this because 1) she is still here, 2) I still love her and 3)she never talks about any of it (again, avoiding conflict and unpleasant discussions). As it is, we have a pleasant day or two, and I quickly forget, become more attached.
We were in MC, but those ended because the C recommended we stop when he found out that the EA was still ongoing, and because the sessions were very stressful for my W. She seems to be happy living day to day but is emotionally unwilling to make any commitment to the future. Each MC session was asking her for that commitment. Since the beginning of Jan, 09 we have both been in IC (with the same C that did our MC). The C seems to be a supporter of the M, and is supporting me in the DB principles -- ie focus on yourself!
I have been doing pretty well in the GAL area: Lost weight and am back to where I was 10 years ago, working out 4 times a week, back in touch with friends, started a monthly Guys night out, buying my own clothes, learning to play the guitar, reading a bunch of self-help books and working on my inner demons, etc. It actually feels pretty good. I feel a lot better and have regained a lot of the self confidence I lost over the past couple of years.
My biggest challenge has been in truly detaching and stopping pursuit. Since she is always here around me I find it VERY HARD not to watch, try to interpret her actions, predict where she is headed, predict the future, etc. I have to remind myself multiple times a day to detach, stop trying to control or influence her, stop worrying about what she is doing, stop worrying about what is going on with her at all, and turn my focus back onto me.
So far I have found that I use DB for a combination of Journaling, looking for support, and asking for advice.
Feel free to jump in -- Thanks.
Last edited by Thinker; 02/23/0904:47 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
