Hi Veronica and Kalni, I know that you're both right - there's still more to feel. While I was calm and even surprised at how relieved I felt when I talked with her yesterday - I know that there's still more to process and go through - and I'm in no denial of the fact that I still love her very much.
As sad as it is to have our marriage end I know that it has to be this way for us...there was just too much that didn't work - and, despite the fact that I was able to talk with her about the positives I see in her, I have not forgotten about the negatives that would plague us as we were together.
Kalni, like you, I did hit a point during the conversation, almost as soon as it started, that I felt like it wasn't even necessary to have the talk...but I had it nonetheless, and I felt a large sense of relief and release. It may, and probably will be, just part of what I have to let go of, but I know that it was the right thing to do...essentially I had to let her know that I loved her and that I would not hold on to her or keep her back from what she had to do with her life...and that let me go more as well.
One other big change in my life, and this is significant, is that my S11 might be living with me as of this summer - as it looks like his mother's plans for Europe have been postponed for at least a year. I think it would have been terrible, utterly terrible, if my S11 had lived with me and B and I were still together and going through what we're going through - and I just couldn't imagine having him be around her that constantly if she can't address her emotionally abusive side. I have a lot of calm around me when I'm with my kids - when she was still with me, that calm would often vanish once she got home or stepped into the room - that calm would be replaced with quiet tension and apprehension...and my S11's personality would also change, becoming more muted than it should ever have to be for a child.
I'll be okay. No matter what happens, I know I'll be okay, so long as I accept my reality and take action based on that reality.
