I hope you are ok. The rollercoaster sucks doesn't it? The thing I see is though, and believe me I know how easy it is to do, is to realise it is his rollercoaster - you have a choice as to whether you join him on it or step back. Stepping back to me is to take the attitude 'I understand that you are in a difficult place right not h, and I will try to be here for you but I will not allow you to rule my feelings/ emotions/ moods/ actions'. That is, you stop reacting to him.
I felt for such a long time that my h and I were banging our heads together and finding no understanding and empathy with each other, therefore we had no meaningful communication. It was when I started DBing that this changed, and it took quite a while to settle into a new pattern.
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He called several times today and I finally responded
Good job on not responding right away, shows GAL. However, when you did finally respond how did you react? Did you expect that he would fire stuff at you? Have you read the chapter on acting 'as if’? If he was calling for a good reason how would you react, next time try acting as if. Why not take the lead on the conversation. As him how his work is/ whether he has been up to anything exciting lately, and sound pleased to hear from him, not dreading what is coming.
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He started off telling me about some sermon he heard at church about how everyone has to work hard even when they don't feel like it.
A chance for listening and validation. Don't naturally assume it is about you. Show an interest, ask him more about it. It sounds like he phoned you with his own 'sermon' preaching your faults. How could you do a 180 here in your reactions? Obviously it is horrible when someone criticizes you (yuck!) but if you defend yourself it makes them do it more and more steadfast in their belief. Do you think it would have closed the conversation if you had said something like. 'Gosh H, that sermon sounds really interesting, thank you for sharing it with me' and maybe moved on by saying 'did anything else happen at church today'. That sounds very British on reading it back but you get the idea
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I stop him and explain that if he expects to me to work on the M with him then he needs to go back to school and learn how to be nice to someone if he wants something in return. Blaming me and pointing out my failures and telling me what to do and what to think is not how you win friends and influence people in a positive way.
You asked me for feedback so I am not trying to be horrible but are you his mother? If someone had said something like that to me I would have got p*ssed off. You can maybe see why he retorted. Don't be drawn into discussion. There is no need to defend yourself, you know that this is just WAS spiel and it is not true. However just at the moment he is very confused. If you lecture him and retort then you won't find an understanding. It is why he carried on with undermining your confidence at work.
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It's no wonder after all that he has put me through which no one really knows about - but yeah, I have been moody.
Have you read the chapter about forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It sounds like you still blame him for a lot of things. Work out what those are by working out what is upsetting you most about the situation and then work out how *you* can change it. Think about your negative thoughts towards him and let them go...
It was good you stepped away from the situation. Did you just hang up the phone or did you say something like 'h, I'm really keen to continue this conversation later but right now I... (have to go/ need a break/ the dinner is boiling over)' that way you don't have to ring and apologise later when there is no need for you to apologise. Don't give him that upper hand. If you ring later or even the next day and act as if the chances are it won't continue, it is just WAS spew.
You need to develop broad shoulders hon and some consistent techniques. Always keep calm, listen, validate even when it is the most annoying untrue thing in the world and don't be drawn. Never lecture or mother and don't retaliate or react. The most important thing is to never take it personally; it is not about you it is about him and his journey. He is just projecting it onto you.
(((Kassie))) I know it is horrible and hard. I am kind of lucky that my h went silent, although at least you are getting feedback about where he is at on the positive. With my h I got paranoid not having a clue what was going on. I think they have plusses and minuses. You are doing great though; it must have been horrid to hear. Get those broad shoulders girl, there is going to be more before this thing is through.
