PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

And H didn't ask about me at all. Nada. It was ALL about him. As before the bomb. Every night we would talk about him and his work. I volunteered information about my day and my friends and family but he didn't ask about me. Also, he knew it was my Dad's 70th and he didn't ask about my dad and mom or family. He really is self-absorbed at the moment. I know this is typical behavior of MLC but thinking back on our telephone conversations with his Mom on Sundays. He always told her in minute detail about his work ( which was the same with me). But he wasn't really all that interested in her life. In fact he would make faces about how overdrawn her stories were and how much she diverts from the point of the story. He is not known for his patience, I'm afraid. So I guess this has been a pattern for him for a long time. Need to ask myself if I can accept it or not. I used to see it as my way of helping him unload the burden of his day, to help him relax. Now I see it as more of everything being about him and not so much about me. Lack of balance in the R.

So do I look at the conversation in the kitchen as a baby step forward? Did setting a boundary the other night make him respect me more so that he could open up a little bit of himself in front of me?

Or should I look at it as him avoiding any talk of R, any real connection and more of the same old behavior?

S8 was very happy that his dad rushed home to tuck him in while I was away. You see, his dad had NEVER (I am not exaggerating) tucked him in during the work week. He worked late every night and would not see his children in the morning either so he only ever saw them on Sundays and maybe some Saturdays as he worked on Sats as well. So he was estatic that his dad put him first for ten days (well nine as he didn't make it one night). You should have seen the look on his face when he talked about it. I think he got a lot of self-esteem out of it.

It's so sad because I practically MADE his dad do it as he didn't volunteer in the past or even volunteer for it this time. So sad because I am finally at a stage of thinking of moving away to be closer to my family. So sad because my son attaches so much importance to the presence of his dad and his dad has NO CONCEPT of how important he is in his kids' lives. So sad because I can see all of this and have very little say in the matter. All I can is just encourage H's parenting. His every effort eventhough his heart is really in his achievements at work. I know this. I think even OW's charms pales in comparison to the charms of his work. He is obssessed with it, that is why he is successful. I am very sad for my children.I am very sad for my children.

He thinks he has a good balance but I am very subtly trying to change the dynamic of his R with the kids by being more hands-off on purpose and having H take care of them more. A big 180 for me and not my nature at all. I read somewhere on this BB that the more a person invests in something, the more valuable it becomes to them. I want H to feel more invested in the kids so he can feel their value to him. I was wrong in the past for doing everything for them so that H was left with almost nothing to do for them ( My Mother was the same way so I was following a pattern.) I thought I was helping out in the family cause that I was the stay at home mom so it was my 'job' to do everything and relieve my H of some of the parenting duties. I know that was the wrong technique now. He ended up not bonding enough with them and bonding with his work instead. I was very wrong in my assumption that H was like my dad in that dad put his family first. In the last couple of years, I did try to back off a bit and have my H take care of them for a couple of hours on Sunday but he became bitter about it. I guess I had already spoiled him and he thought that I had unloaded onto him. I don't think he thinks that anymore and is more centered in his way of thinking about the children, therapy has helped. But also that he is starting to look at them not as a burden but as more of a joy. I am glad to our counsellor for that.