Still getting nowhere fast....

[lost-n-Iowa]

By the way, I de-stress by spending time on the computer, doing things with my girls and horse back riding with friends. I have more things that I love to do outside that helps with de-stressing but none that can be done in the winter time like flower gardens, mowing the lawn, hiking, sunnbathing, etc. If I can spend any time outside that in itself is a stress releiver. I

I have been reading your stitch too and seeing where you are right now Bridgestone...your not that far off from me are you?

[Bridgestone]

By the way, I de-stress by spending time on the computer, doing things with my girls and horse back riding with friends.

Look up WCW's threads I know she is a 'horse person' & lives in a near-by state. What else do you do with friends?

I have more things that I love to do outside that helps with de-stressing but none that can be done in the winter time like flower gardens, mowing the lawn, hiking, sunnbathing, etc.

It HAS been a crappy winter for doing things outside! How about rollerskating?? Is there a rollerrink near-by? or Ice skating?? Sledding?? Planning your flower gardens for spring (I know my gardening catalogs are arriving in my mail box) Some nature centers offer winter hikes... do you have one near-by?

I have been reading your stitch too and seeing where you are right now Bridgestone...your not that far off from me are you?

If you are referring to location... I'd bet I'm pretty close by.

If you are referring to emotionally & mentally, I've been where you are, about 2 years ago it sucks. I'm in a better place now.

But I understand the 'fog' and the self-doubt, and the hating to tell people because of what they might think. We all make mistakes... not telling & sharing with trusted people in your life is one, regardless of what you chose earlier, it doesn't make what he is doing now "OK".

As another WAW is fond of repeating the airline safety directions..you need to put your own air mask on first before you can help others put theirs on.

Save yourself first. Your interaction with him sounded good.

Giving him his card back tomorrow before his check clears leaves you pretty vulnerable to him stopping payment, doesn't it?

But I think you handled it well.. calm, collected, it sounded like it got you a different result from him. That's great!! He backed down and listened to your decision of what you were going to do.

I have found telling an abuser who is trying to control/intimidate you "I have decided..." sometimes helps.

Have you read any books about setting boundaries?? Have you read any co-dependent books by Beattie?? They both have some excellent things you can do to improve you that are independent of changes he makes or doesn't make.

You are strong.. you can do this. You can find help here to do that.

Peace
Bridge

[smartcookie]

Hi lost, your H is extremely emotionally & verbally abusive. You deserve to be treated soooooooooooo much better.

Can you find a counselor who can help you develop some assertiveness & self-esteem.

My Doctor has been working with me specifically for assertiveness for about 1 year. It has made a huge difference.

Also, Bridge is giving you EXCELLENT advice. One thing I want to add is that when H & I used to fight, if it got heated, & I thought it was going to go physical, I'd say I had to go to the bathroom. I'd lock myself in there for 15-20 mins.

It just gave me time to clear my head, & him to calm down.

I'm glad you found us.

Hugs

[Purple]

Hi there chicky,

I see my friends Bridge and Scookie have waded in to help you out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

If you need motivation to get out, think about your girls (I couldnt' see how old they are) and what you are teaching them about relationships. Your daughters deserve better. It doesn't matter that you have sorta been down the divorce part before but you hoped that it would get better. Don't worry about feeling ashamed about that. Feel the feelings and then put them aside like you are looking at a rock specimen in high school. then pick up the next feeling and do the same. Move forward.

Your h appeared to try for just the 90 days that it took to hook you back in. It was not your fault that you trusted him to care for you again. Look to your family for support if you can. If they fancy themselves above you by saying things like "I told you so" then simply say, "yes. will you support me now?"

Now, however, you do have a choice in how you live your life.

Fast forward 30 or 40 or 50 years to your deathbed. What do you want to have done with your life? He does not appear to be valuing you as a wife. You are not valuing him as a husband (I don't blame you one iota btw). Something has to change and the only thing you can control is YOU.

Big hugs...... I haven't been to the depths that you have but it felt pretty cruddy where I was so I hate to think how you are feeling.

[Bridgestone]

Hi there..just checking in on you.. ONe of your posts said your H was going to be gone after Wednesday.
I was wondering how things had been going the past few days & if you had made any progress on you?

Hoping today is brighter for you.
Peace
Bridge

[lost-n-Iowa]

Sorry I have not gotten back on here for this week...my oldest daughter has been sick this week with the strep throat. Well the update for the latest things goes like this:

On Monday I was able to cash my h's check and get the money that he owed me so I gave him back his card. I still feel like I was betrayed since he gave me his word on soemthing and then took it back and I still feel like I have lost faith in my H and in my M. I tried to talk to my H about this but he did not seem to understand what I was talking about. He said that since I got what I wanted then the issue was over with and all I should be feeling was happy since I got what I wanted. I don't think he will ever undestand that I am not as materialistic (?) as he is and I don't care as much as he does about money and prestige. Anyway, on Tuesday he decided that he wanted to got to work with me so that he could spend some extra time with me before he left. (At my job I am able to take my husband and kids with me when I want or if I need to) I did not say no to the idea of him going with me becasue I did not want to cause any trouble, though I really did not want to spend time with him. Is that wrong of me to feel that way?

We had an a pretty decent day together. But that night he got upset with me about something that he did not think that I had done with our horses right so I got upset and decided to sleep on the couch, well this upset him even more because it was 'his last night home and I knew what he was expecting on his last night'. I have been told that I am to 'put out' on the day he gets home, on the day he leaves, and any thing in between is a bonus. (Yeah whatever)

So the next day, the day that he is leaving, is a day off of work for me because I have Girl Scout Cookies coming in and a doctor's appointment for my oldest and early out from school and he is huffing and puffing because I did not fill my wifely duties the night before. In the end I out out so that he would shut up and leave me alone and also because in the back of my mond I keep thinking that if I don't he will find someone who will. Which I have been told by him in the past. Remember he has cheated on me before.

I am confused. How can some one want to be intimate with thier significant other when they are treated like crap and when they are EXPECTED to be that way? Does any one else have to put up with this? I know that I dont' have to put up with it and plenty of you will tell my that...but I have done it like this for so long that I am worried that he would cheat again. All because I don't have much trust in my H anymore.

Anyway, now that he has been gone since Wednesday, I am less stressed about him being around. He has called me about 3 times a day just to say hi. I would like to think that he is sucking up because he knows that he has wronged me but I just wait for the slap in the back of the head when I think that way. He is the type of man that thinks that sex makes everything better and when I have fullfilled my duties after a fight then the fight is over with and it doesn't matter about your emotional feelings as long as your physical feelings are feeling good. I get so frustrated by this.

As the pattern will go...we will be okay for another day or so, then the weekend will get here and he will get upset when he finds out that I am not sitting on the couch and that I have gone out with my parents and friends. Then we will argue. Then he will say or do something nice and we will be fine for a little bit. Then he will get mad at me when I tell him that I am not staying home next weekend and have plans then too. We will fight again. Oh, don't forget he will call when I am out and will say stupid things to me which is usually his attempt to ruin my evening since I went out when he was not home. (We never go out when he is anyway). Then we will be fine, then he will be coming home and he will start a fight the day before he leaves to come home so that I will be mad when he gets here. THe pattern repeats itself every damn time!!!

Any ideas???????

[breakaway]

Hi lost...I'm breakaway. I'm sorry we find you here but so glad you came! You've been carrying a lot on your shoulders. This will be a good place to get understanding and advice. And hugs.

Anyway, on Tuesday he decided that he wanted to got to work with me so that he could spend some extra time with me before he left. (At my job I am able to take my husband and kids with me when I want or if I need to) I did not say no to the idea of him going with me becasue I did not want to cause any trouble, though I really did not want to spend time with him. Is that wrong of me to feel that way?

Of course it isn't wrong to feel that way. Your feelings aren't wrong...they are just feelings. You've been made to doubt yourself so long that you even begin questioning that. Anyway, I don't think anyone would want to spend time with someone so controlling and abusive.

I am confused. How can some one want to be intimate with thier significant other when they are treated like crap and when they are EXPECTED to be that way?

Of course you don't want to be intimate with someone who is mistreating you and demanding sex as your duty. It sounds like your H is the one who's confused about how to treat people and enjoy intimacy and love.

As the pattern will go...we will be okay for another day or so, then the weekend will get here and he will get upset when he finds out that I am not sitting on the couch and that I have gone out with my parents and friends. Then we will argue. Then he will say or do something nice and we will be fine for a little bit. Then he will get mad at me when I tell him that I am not staying home next weekend and have plans then too. We will fight again. Oh, don't forget he will call when I am out and will say stupid things to me which is usually his attempt to ruin my evening since I went out when he was not home. (We never go out when he is anyway). Then we will be fine, then he will be coming home and he will start a fight the day before he leaves to come home so that I will be mad when he gets here. THe pattern repeats itself every damn time!!!

Any ideas???????

It is SO difficult not to get angry when someone is pushing your buttons. But, if you can try not to take the bait...if you can remain calm even when he is saying things to anger you...then he's not left with much to keep the fight going. It's a hard thing to master however, especially with someone who's good at finding the right buttons to push.

I'm only just starting to be able to ignore those sorts of comments from my H, or just look at him when he's trying to start a fight.

Do you find that he ever starts an argument, and then when you get angry...he blames it on you. You know...the "see how you are?" kind of thing?

I'm sorry I don't have tons of ideas right now, I'm getting ready for bed! Just wanted to stop by and offer my support. And to let you know that you are not wrong for feeling frustrated, angry, and hurt by your husband's actions. You deserve better.

[lost-n-Iowa]

Hi breakaway...thanks for stopping by.

Yes, I do get that all the time. He starts a fight about something or a discussion then it gets out of hand and when I get mad and start raising my vioce then he tells me that I am 'psycho' and 'look how you get when we argue'. I get so frustrated by that.

I try not to let him get to me. I have been able to master what you are talking about with my mom. She can be a handful at times when she has an opinion, wants to state it, wants everyone to agree with her, and then gets so angry when you have your own opinion about it. I have learned to just look at her and remain calm. So I know that I can do it but it is so HARD to do htis with my H. My H knows just what buttons to push to set it off.

Right now things have been pretty quiet around here. My H is off in Georgia right now and I am home to run the house and family. When he is gone things are always pretty queit but when he returnns I know that it won't be for long. I keep trying to tell myself that 'you know this is what usually happens so don't let it happen this time'. Do a 180 and don't let it happen!! Right now it's all I miss you's and I love you's and I can't wait to come home from him. I wish he could keep the same attitude and loving nature when he is home instead of leaving it out there on the road somewhere.

I know that I have so many days to get the house in shape, have everything that he has asked me to do done, and get ready to put out by the time he arrives. This is my life............

[breakaway]

I know that I have so many days to get the house in shape, have everything that he has asked me to do done, and get ready to put out by the time he arrives. This is my life............

And what would happen if you didn't? Besides the criticism? What would he do?

I wanted to direct you to some articles that smartcookie posted on her thread called Healing and Goodbyes here in this section..she posted some links near the (current) end of that thread.

[lost-n-Iowa]

Today is the 12th and my H has come home....oh great already.

Two days ago he texted me and was saying that he missed me and that he loved me and that he could not wait to get home. I am starting to get excited that maybe we will have a good time when he gets home and he is making plans that he would like to do with me when he is home until (approximatly) the 25th.

The next day I had called him to see how he was because he had hurt his leg at work and its a totally different story. He is mad at me about the money issue again becuase he mom called him telling him that the girls had told her about it when they spent the night at her house this past weekend. That they were very upset about it and that they had told thier teachers about it at school. Now I am a b***h and I am conniving, and this is nothing but an arranged marriage because he doesn't want to be around me anymore and that he thinks that I am hiding money from him and telling him that I dont' have any so that he will give me money and then I can hide more. Well there goes the I love you bit!!

I tried to defend myself as much as I could but it becme obvious that he really did not care what I said. So I just gave up and stopped talking to him. I did talk to my girls when they came home and they said that they did talk to his mom that weekend but they never told thier teachers anything. I have to explain the word theif to my youngest, which was the exact word that his mom said the girls used to her and their teachers. His mom exagerates in my opinion. I called and asked her that the next time that my girls talk to her about something that important that maybe she could call me instead so I could talk to them instead of calling my H who is on the road and can't handle the situation anyway and who is getting T'd off at me about it. She said she would, I doubt it.

Today I am almost out of the house on my way to work and he calls. "What you doing, hon?" Hello, there is my sweet h again. I tell him what I am doing and ask him what he is doing, driving is the answer, when you going to get home, 10 minutes. He never called to let me know he was on his way home. Want to know why? So he could try to catch me doing something wrong or catch me with someone. I would bet my paycheck on it.

I left and went to work. He calls me later about something that I forget now but he says that he is going to do some laundry and wants to know if there is dirty laundry in the bedroom. I don't know if there is and tell him so. He says that he figures there has to be some becuase the bedroom is a freaking mess. Well excuse me but everything else in the house is spotless and all the chores have been done except the bedroom and he never acknowledges that I cleaned the whole house and it looks good.

We are off to a good start. So to answer your question about what would happen if I did not do the chores by the time he got home, that is it. I have more important things to do in my life time than make sure that all the laundry is put away!! It was washed, dried, folded, and put in front of our dressors and yes there was some other stuff on the floor because I was in a hurry the last two days and left my clothes on the floor, but who cares???

Being a conniving b***h that I am, I am probably hiding something under all that dirty clothes!!