PM Thread #4

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks and hugs to all of you, Davidswife, Tawnya, Karen, CIW, Hope. It was difficult being assertive because I think my H saw my assertiveness as control and I didn't want to have a major conflict with him again.

Hope, you msg made me cry. What a beautiful story about your Mom and Dad. He really really loved her. You mother must be a very happy woman to have the love inside of her. I envy her so. I don't think my H really loved me that way, EVER. I can't remember what it was like before now. But he didn't make a fuss about anniversaries at all. I was the one who used to give him an anniversary present and make arrangements for a dinner out. ( Lack of power, I am afraid.) I guess part of it was before I was the stay at home Mom and so I was responsible for House/kids/couples things. So I did it.

Here is an update:
So my H and I put the kids to sleep. I was thinking about our telephone convo a lot and my H seemed very down all day so I wanted to have a convo with him.

Me: I just wanted to make sure that you understand I am not trying to deny your time with friends, I want you to be happy.
H: I was just so busy at work that I did not have time to get myself organized. I should have been better organized. ( I.e. he should have had more time for the kids on Sunday and not show up at 3pm like he did) I will be travelling for the next two weeks and will be away in March as well.
Me: When you have time, can you e-mail me your schedule? (I.e. let me know so I know what to tell the kids when they ask where you are and which city you are in. )
H: OK.

We talked in the kitchen and He then continued to talk about his work for half an hour. He shared about the stressed and his successes and he said he is starting to interview (yes, Hope) to try to get a better position. I was very encouraging (as I was in the past as well, I was his biggest cheerleader) and told him that the current financial crisis maybe an opportunity in disguise and maybe he can even do better than before. He told me how some of his friends that I know are doing. He again shared that he had a good time with our S while I was away. In fact, he talked for half an hour non-stop, I couldn't get a word in. It all poured out of him. He made several attempts to turn around to walk out of the kitchen but turned around and talked some more. Some eye contact. I made my body language very relaxed and tried to be very encouraging. ( One of his previous complaints was that I do not approve of his work, which is not entirely true. I listened to him talk about his work for hours EVERY NIGHT and was encouraging and on his side of all his arguments with his colleagues. I was just not happy about the amount of time he spends at work and his lack of interest in the children.)

The talk was very reminicent of old times and I think he felt it too. I think it reminded us of our Good interactions. I don't know if he is the same way with OW but they work together so I don't know if they rehash everything again after work.

But it's good that I didn't see any negativity from him regarding our previous night's conversation ( not sure if he is hiding it well/suppressing again or what).

He even mentioned on taking the kids on a trip next year and told me about visiting his client with the kids because it was be fun for them.

He has mentioned that 'we get along fine' but he doesn't love me. I don't know. It doesn't seem that he hates me so much anymore which is good. But he doesn't love me enough to try to work things out. I know because of OW, he is not missing his companionship and getting a high from her.

Am I on the right track? Should I let him feel the friendship we had before to get him a taste of what we had so he doesn't think it was all bad and rewrite history? Or should I withold so that he would pursue? He has not been pursuing me at all and don't think he would with OW still in the picture.

The good thing is that if he changes jobs then maybe he won't work with OW everyday. But there is a good chance that he would take her with him as well. In fact, the more I think about it, of course he would bring her with him. OK, scrub that. They will probably still be working together but can be more open about the relationship because it's a new company and nobody there knows me and so he doesn't have to be ashamed of his R with OW. They can just present themselves as a couple who happen to work together. Maybe that's his plan so that he won't get in trouble with his current company and have embarassing confrontations. This way, in a new company they can start afresh and just be a happy couple. Interesting, will have to see how it pans out for them. I guess if 'society' exerts pressure on your R, then you change the 'society' that you are in, that solves the problem, presto!