LoveNoMatterWhat's New Thread

[lovenomatterwhat]

Hi All,
I am so sorry for taking so long to post. Lodo,Breton39, FaithfulH and 25yearsmlc, I really do appreciate the feedback.

When I first started dating my wife, she had a big trust issue with men. Not only because of what her father did to her mom (father shot mom and then himself), but also because of a bad relationship she had gotten out of. During that dating stage, I treated her like she was a delicate rose. I would always tell her that I would wait for her and that we would knock down that wall brick by brick. During that stage I felt it was a privilege to demonstrate each day how much I loved her and how I could be trusted. I guess I feel like I am back at that stage again - only this time my love for her is greater and I am more determine to use each day to show her how much I love and really care for her. It amazes me and I really can't describe it in words, but I feel a love for her that is willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy.

Well, let me go back several days to recap what has happened.

Last Wednesday I was offered the position and got a 33% increase in pay. Before I accepted, I call the wife up and explained to her what this meant if we accepted the offer. Mainly that I won't be able to pick up our daughter as much from the daycare. I told my wife that she and our daughter our my priority and that I am not going to allow work to interfere with that or to come before them. At first she was like, well, "I guess time will tell". But then she told me, "wow, you are really serious about not going back to your old self." I told her that work, $$$ and education are just not that important to me anymore and that the only thing that matters is family. She then tells me, "well, if we ever get back together, this would be a great opportunity for all of us." I leaped for joy when I heard that. Keep in mind, about a month ago she told me that she would never get back with me. Now it is "if" instead of never.

Over the weekend, we were running errands and while we were on the road, she told me if you decide to buy a house, be sure to consider having an extra room just in case we decide to get back together and want to have another child. Then over dinner she tells me "how do I know that version 2.0 is not going to come back." (version 1.0 is the nice me, the person my wife fell in love with; version 2.0 is the mean me, the person who neglected the family - I guess that is our little way of addressing the issue in playful matter). She then tells me, "I need to know in case of if." She didn't finish the sentence and I asked her in case of what. She was like, "well, in case we get back together." I told her that version 2.0 was a faulty product that was recalled and that right now she has been chosen to test version 3.0, which is still in beta but almost ready for production.

Today I came over to help her paint one of her rooms in her loft and it was so much fun. We were playful and even started paint each other with our brushes. Lately, we have been falling a sleep together on the phone and things just seem like that are really going good right now. I know that I still go a lot of work to do and that now is the time for me to really step my game up and continue to love her the way she needs to be loved.

So maybe you can trust a little bit more in the things that initially attracted her to you. You Know, flirt a little bit. Do you already?

Yes, the last two months I have started to be more flirtatious and playful around her. I always try to be upbeat and confident around her. At first I was a little rusty, but definitely getting better and more natural at it.

Wow. Now don't tell me that isn't progress. Wow is all I can say.

Wow is all I can say too - especially these last few days. I feel like I am falling in love with her all over again. I know that there is still a long road ahead, but to see progress being made is just amazing and all I can do is thank God for his grace and mercy.

I (and I bet you) expected God was still at work in your sitch

Yes, even when I am faithless, He is still faithful. This journey has really caused me to recognize my need for God. I could not have made it this far without Him and need Him even more in journey ahead.

We really want security from a man...To compensate and reassure her that her biggest fear; being deserted in a time of need, is Now unfounded

That sense of safety and security, that I am never going to leave her ever again is what I am striving to proof. I know that she is going to need time, but she is worth it. I love my wife so much and thank you for believing in me. I do not take it lightly what I did and I know that I did a lot of damage.

With this new position, it is so important that she sees me not neglecting her or our daughter. I am more determined to be there for the family and to show her that I am serious. Well, talk to you soon (and hopefully sooner than what I've been doing)

[25yearsmlc]

well gee whiz!! what to say? This is very good. Bravo! (clap clap).

And of course, I know we all know to say---thank God!

Keep it up, and don't forget this feeling. Times will be rough again of course, and life will throw another curve ball, so savor this. Know how HE has been there for you and keep seeking Him out.

(( j ))

[lodo]

Hey LNMW,

That sounds great - your efforts are paying off! I wouldn't relax, though. Sounds like you've gone from absolute denial to planting the seed of doubt. Will take a lot of patience to turn that towards reconnection.

I also think there's an undertone there that maybe you're not picking up on. She's suggesting whether you're planning for your family, not just getting back with her. And so far you've done just that, so keep up the good work! At first it seems like a learning process, but it's really one of growth. I like how you're able to grow your own career while finding a way to make it work with what you want in your personal life. I gotta tell you - 33% pay increase may seem like a big deal right now, but it isn't. Following your heart is what matters. I once heard the president of a high profile academic institution give a talk and he said the most successful PhD student he ever advised was the one who turned his back on his field of study and went to carve wooden sculptures in Vancouver, because he recognized that that's where his heart lay. He did what he needed to do.

I'm not a religious man, so I'll just throw in the observation that, while it's all well and good to give thanks to a higher power, the actions are really coming from within you. That can be guided or not, but you need to REALLY KNOW who you are for it to work. It seems like you're on your way. Keep up the journey.

lodo

PS - I'm really glad you're flirting. It's hard to regain that playfulness, but ultimately we all want to be able to relax and have fun rather than worry about weighty emotional issues all the time. Steering your interactions towards those relaxed, enjoyable times will help maintain an even dose of communication.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Hey Lodo,

Thanks for the comment. I'm real excited about my promotion, but at the same time a little stress about managing my work/personal life - but that is a challenge that I know I must meet. When I was married, my wife would sometimes get the impression that work/education was most important to me - so I know that I must really prove to her that family is what's important. And I must say, this sure isn't easy. My work sometimes can be demanding, and while I do enjoy it - I would rather be at home playing with my daughter than crunching data at night.

I like how you said she is suggesting whether I'm planning for the family rather than just getting back with her. I really haven't thought about it in those terms, but you are exactly right. At moment, I am staying at some apartment by myself and one of my goals is to try to eliminate as much debt as I can so that is not a burden to the family. I know that my wife also has some debt too and today we were talking about it and how we can try to eliminate some of it. I like it how she will call me about and just start talking about her personal finances like it was just any other topic - very relax and comfortable.

Yep, this really is both a learning and growing process. I know that I have so much more development to undergo and this really does bring me back to days when I was first dating. All the little things, like how to be attractive, confident and flirtatious, definitely something that I am working to improve.

You should check at this youtube channel

arkady39's relationship channel

Has some really good tips and advice on dating. Do you recommend any good books on how to flirt/date? I'm finding that getting to reconciliation is so much like trying to build attraction with someone you really like and started dating with. It amazes me how when people are first dating how there is some much passion and energy - and then overtime that somehow dies with a lot of people. I really do want to learn the skills to not only get back with my family, but to also be a better person to be with. Yeah, it's hard to regain that playfulness at times, but I think I am getting better at it - still lots to learn though.

Well, off to bed.

[FaithfulH]

It amazes me how when people are first dating how there is some much passion and energy - and then overtime that somehow dies with a lot of people.

LNMW,

This is exactly why I have THANKED my W for filing for D! We were in that awful neutral place that some people live forever! I also think this notion of bringing back the passion and energy is at the core of MWD's DB principles (180s, GAL, etc). Lastly, it is why I constantly remind myself that we are forever restorING our marriages....never restorED in the past tense. You are doing great, buddy!

[forward]

LMNW, I would agree that you haven't really reached the hardest part. Eventually you're going to have to open up some really tough questions...why did you leave, deal with her anger and hurt, etc..

I think you can do it. Your W seems receptive. But if you're really determined, you're going to have to walk through an emotional minefield.

I find that now that my H seems somewhat sympathetic to my situation, I am distressed again and crying a lot, because it means opening up to the possibility of being hurt again.

That said, it sounds as if your W has made it through this part and is starting to trust you again.

[lovenomatterwhat]

Hey breton39,

I'm really sorry that you are going through a difficult time. But I admire your strength and courage. I really hope your husband turns around.

Well, I am really tired - so good night

[lovenomatterwhat]

But if you're really determined, you're going to have to walk through an emotional minefield.

It is so true and tonight had to be one of those nights

My wife was asking me if I could suggest a nice restaurant for her and one of her girl friends to go. I made a suggestion and she made the comment that I knew it was good because I took one of my girl friends there. She said it in a playful matter but me being the dumb a$$ I am, replied that she would know that I had a girl friend because I would not be talking/hanging out with her anymore outside discussing matters pertaining to our daughter. She then told me that that wouldn't be fair for our daughter and that she needed to have a normal childhood. I told her that our daughter was not going to have a normal childhood because it is not normal for her to not have her father with her every night. She then asked me what I am going to tell our daughter if she asks why we are not talking anymore and I told her that I would tell her that mommy made a choice to not want to try to reconcile with daddy and that there has to be boundaries.

Well, I can tell my wife was not happy with that comment and she got mad at me and told me that she tried to make it work and that I would need to tell our daughter that daddy walked out on the family. She then told me that if I got re-married that I would neglect our daughter. I told her that I wouldn't but that there had to be boundaries to protect the marriage. I knew this conversation was not going to go anywhere good, so I told her that was going to talk to her latter. I then went to my bed and cried.

I texted her later to tell her that I would never neglect our daughter and that the point I was trying to make was that family is everything to me now. Maybe I shouldn't try to defend myself and just let her vent. Ahhh, I feel like crap right now as I am listen to Daughtry's "it's not over" to try to encourage myself. I know that she is going to need a lot of time to realize that I am not the same person, but that still hurts and I am sure she is still hurting from what I did.

I am feeling very needy right now and just want to talk to her - to tell her how much I love her, how much she and our daughter means to me. I know I must resist the urge and just suffer through the night. The thing is that I am truly regretful for what I did. And I get so mad at myself sometimes for doing this to my family and myself. This pain I feel inside is self-inflected and there is little I can do to change that. All I can do is hope that one day is comes to realize that I am not that same person. That perhaps one day I will get a second chance.

The thing is, I told my wife that I wouldn't talk to her not because I wanted to be rude or mean, but because it would be the only way I know to move on. It would hurt to much that be with her and to not have her back as my wife. I just cannot stop crying. Tomorrow I officially start my new job and this is the last thing I need right now. Ahhhh,scream,vent. I'll be okay. I'll get through this somehow. No one said this process was going to be easy. I feel like texting my wife something among the lines "why do you think I don't have a girl friend" but that would be pushing it.

I guess I am just missing my family. I know that my wife is hurting, but I sometimes wonder if she realizes how much I am hurting. I wish I could be honest and tell her how I really feel. Sometimes this fake it till you make it thing sucks.

My heart is still so fragile and feel like I just want my life back. To return to the norm. Well, I feel a little better now that I've vented.

[FaithfulH]

I made a suggestion and she made the comment that I knew it was good because I took one of my girl friends there. She said it in a playful matter but me being the dumb a$$ I am, replied that she would know that I had a girl friend because I would not be talking/hanging out with her anymore outside discussing matters pertaining to our daughter.

LNMW,

I see that you got to meet 2 of our biggest enemies tonight.... "Fear" and "Manipulation". I know them well. Please let me share a bit about these 2 foes.

Fear would love to get you to believe:

• Your W is using you
  
• She will NEVER take you back
  
• She is holding her heart for somebody else (and may have given it to them already)
  
• You're just wasting your time....and life trying to win her back
  
• Nobody appreciates your sacrifice

Manipulation would love to get you to believe:

• Withdrawing your love will make your W realize what she is losing
  
• Telling your W you're done will make her come running
  
• Being a martyr will be attractive to your W
  
• If you think hard enough, you will come up with the perfect thing that will end this pain forever

LNMW, you know these are all LIES! The only thing that works is to truly let the changes God has put in you take hold deeply.....and be on the guard for attacks from the enemy! Your W is NOT the enemy! Only when you can endure a snide comment her or there will you know (and more importantly will your W know) that your HEART is new! This was another test...let's call it a pop quiz...and sorry, LNMW, but you didn't do so well on this one. But, this was not your last chance....you know what you need to do...but here's my advice:

1. Send a short text to your W telling her how sorry you are. Remind her that today is your first day of work and that you would like to call her tonight.
2. Go knock 'em dead at work
3. Tonight...tell your W how sorry your are and explain that you are still working on being the H and father that God intended you to be. Don't be needy. Explain that this is something that you and God are working on and you simply pray she will be patient and understanding. Tell her that she is worth waiting for...and you will be there no matter how long that takes....and MEAN IT! Do not expect a positive response!

LNMW, I wish I could tell you that I was sorry this happened...but, I firmly believe that God uses these situations to show US where our biggest issues lie. It is actually very loving that He cares enough to help us overcome our weaknesses!

I am rejoicing in your growth....the only thing that could make this a bad thing would be if you gave up....and even that would only be temporary because it wouldn't go away but simply lie dormant waiting to rise up again in the next relationship. I know you will deal with it now!

Best wishes for an awesome first day on the job! I start my new one next Monday, Mar 9th!

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I have been reading along with this for a while. LNM I had posted to you back a while ago and lost you at some point. Everything FH says to you is spot on. i too have fought the demon of fear and it is so hard some days. I had a friend tell me that she would literally, brush her shoulders when those fears would come to her mind, as if she was shooing the demon away from herself. Give it a try. What could it hurt?

FH, I would be interested in your take on my situation, as you are a strong man rooted in Christ. There is a good chance it is going to probably get weird again in the next couple of months.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW