Hi LMG - i am in the exact same spot as you. I had an A but chose to stay in M. H took years to decide he could not live with it, left in mid 2008 and took up with OW in Septish.
I amm devastated - anti depressants , sleeping tablets etc. Why i dont know. I dislike how he is treating this family, I dislike who he has become , everythiNg. So what am I grieving ? Who knows but it will be the exact same thing as you.
Is it because they are moving on without us ? We have no control over them ? they pipped us at the post ? What is it! I too was ok when H left, it was when the OW came on the scene that I spiralled out of control.
Thing is i know i am better than OW so it p%$#@# me off even more ! Kids refuse to meet her as well. I guess it is a time thing. I DEFINITLY will not go into any R until I am healed and I dont expect that to for some time. No way am i dumping on somene new even though I have heard that a rebound relationship can be good. Your experiance would suggest temporary feelings only.
PA, I think a lot of it is being out of control--for me, it started when my H refused to work on our M, then left, and now this OW is just such a hard thing to accept. It's just awful to imagine him with another woman after being M for so long. And I'm envious that his R seems to be taking off while I am online dating and feeling kind of discouraged.
I'm very glad I had the rebound fling--no regrets.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Maybe it's just competition with the OW that's wearing you out. From your description, it sounds like the act of your H leaving wasn't such a big deal when he wasn't dating anyone. You don't necessarily want him, but you don't want anyone else to have him either. That's an unrealistic expectation you need to resolve.
Maybe a IC can help you sort these feelings out and give you a more positive image of yourself. When you feel secure in yourself, you can overcome fear, jealousy, and anger.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Oh, it was a HUGE deal when my H announced he wanted out and then left. I was a wreck for months. I wanted to work on our M, he did not. He left in June and that's when I did start to detach, let go, date someone, etc. Finding out he was seeing someone is what set me back--it was totally unexpected and just felt like a kick in the stomach. I guess it was also definitive proof that our M was really truly over.
But, yes, I know that if I were currently in a happy new R myself, I wouldn't care as much.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
You know, one of the principles db is based on is that ideal that it is possible to save a M if only one partner desires it. It's never really over until you say it is.
Maybe your M could be saved with some behind the scene efforts on your part. Have you read DB? My ex had an affair on me. I got the "I'm no longer in love with you" speech along with all the other BS so familiar to the LBS's on here. I stood for about a year and a half trying to save it. I employeed the principles of DB as best I could. I was exhausted and over with it at that point. I had nothing left in me. The one solace that I had is that I knew I gave it my best effort. Only now, 3 and 1/2 years later is my ex showing signs of remorse and regret. It's only to late because of me now, not her.
You can detach minus the dating and try again. The one thing you don't want to take from this experience is the regret that you still loved your H and didn't at least give an effort in trying to win him back. There won't be any closure for you.
Last edited by Astimegoeson; 02/24/0904:16 AM.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Thanks--but, no, I am done with my M. I miss my H and many aspects of our M and our family, but I know it's really over. I don't want to discourage those who choose to "stand," but I think there comes a point where you need to face the truth and let go. I'm not happy yet with my new life--dating, being alone, etc--but it doesn't mean I am hoping to save my M either.
It's also hard to separate the ego-blow of H wanting to end the M from (me) really wanting to still be in the M, if that makes sense.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I understand the ego thing. I have the tee shirt. Everyone on here has probably felt that blow.
The way I handled it was getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things that use to intimidate me. I re-gained my confidence and in the process had some fun. After being in a relationship for so long, you tend to loose a sense of yourself that you took for granted as a single person. Everyone has a different way of dealing with repairing that damage to the ego. I can tell you that jumping into another relationship is just a band-aid cure. It's time to look a little deeper and find out what really excites your passions. Time to become a friend to yourself if that makes sense. The admiration of another person is nice and gives you a warm fuzzy, but it's not really going to make you feel better about yourself long term. Loneliness isn't so bad when you learn how to entertain yourself. It is a learning process to. We're so use to doing things 'together' with our significant other for so long, we don't know how to do things on our own.
I mean lets be honest, it sucks getting dumped, but you survive and become a little stronger from the experience. Give it some time.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
