Why do I get sucked in to these things. I honestly can't see it. I know, believe me I know it might never happen. And I know I need to do it for me. Not her. It is so hard.
Yesterday. I get a text where's this?? It as something I was supposed to to find for her so I had to reply. She said thanks. Then she text me if she brought a tire home from her work if I can look at it. And that she bought me 2 pair of pants. The pants were cause earlier in the week I told her I need some and have no money. Was not expecting that. I told her yes 2 the tire and thnks for text pants.
Then she text me about a house we were supposed to go look at. Twice. I ignored her. Then she called. Still ignored her. Delt with it when I got home.
Today we went and looked at the house. Have not liked the houses we were looking at so we decided to try and save our house. And stay. I thought there was no saving it.
After getting home she had to go to the store. While she was out she saw our son and they decided to have breakfast. She text me and I did not answer. I did not know she text me. So she called. I accepted even though I should not have.
So at home there was more talk about the house which turned into "are you going to be ok with us living together. I told her not a problem. I see no reason why we can't live together and get along. I told her I know where she stands and she knows where I stand. (I want to work on the M and she does not.)
she says we need to move ahead with this and told me the D will be filed by the end of the month.
I don't get it, she seems so sure that she will never want this M to work. So sure it's over. Is she sure?? Is there any possibility she has even considered it in the last 2 months??
Does she see the changes and not trust them or ? Does she not believe me? I don't get it.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
What's wrong? I hope you don't mind my posting. Puppy's left the building, so I'm trying to come over here too from my usual spot in the Infidelity section. I've been reading your thread.
I'm also going to be moving this next month and have limited $$$, so can relate to that. I do stuff that's cheap or free: volunteer work, church activities, the kids and I take Tae Kwondo through the city park & rec and that's $10 a month only! We try out for the local community theatre group (had never done a play before!) and get involved in those, plus backstage stuff painting sets, also free of course. I've met a lot of wonderful people through these, really great support system.
I know I need to cut down on my GALing or try to this next month, but that and exercise are so important to me, I'm going to try to make some time for it every week. You may want to also even if it's just one day a week or something...
I think there's no way that you can figure out what is going on in your W's mind. And maybe that's for the best sometimes! I can't believe they never have any thoughts re: recon. My H used to pick fights all the time, I think it helped him detach more and feel less guilt. I think you need to focus on just yourself, doing those changes for you, and not worry about your W or her reactions to them. Karen
I think the hardest thing for me is the thought that I realized something was wrong a month or 2 before the bomb and the thought that I could have possibly avoided this if I would have taken the right actions in time. I wish I had found this site then. I was researching and did not find much of anything.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
I realized something was wrong about a month before the bomb. But found out later (in depo) that was when the PA began. And looking back I think the EA had been active for at least a year before that if not longer. They'd been co-workers (no longer are) for a few years. I think to change things I would have had to do all this prob. months or even a year earlier than I did most likely. But I've done my best as I could and have always tried to work on the M rather than walk away. So there is something in that I think. Karen
There is definitally something in that. I will never understand just walking away without trying. I would like to believe my W is afraid to try one more time. I think she is afraid she might find there could be something there if she tried. And if there is something there she could possibly risk getting hurt again.
Thank you Karen for checking in on me, it is appreciated.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
It's the same problem with my W. I think she's trapped herself into believing there is no other solution besides D. She wants to be a stronger person and stop being a "yes" girl and a pleaser. If she comes back, that's what she'll be in her mind, that same old pleaser.
I read this tonight and thought would share. I liked it.
We all need to develop an "attitude of gratitude" This does not mean we should live pretending nothing negitive exists. It simply means we make it our goal in life to be as positive as possible. A positive approach opens the door for God to work. Go to bed tonight pondering everything you have to be thankful for. Do the same thing in the morning. Thank God for everything---a convenient parking spot, the fact you can walk, see or hear, YOUR CHILDREN. Don't become discouraged with yourself when you fall short, and don't quit. Keep at it until you have developed new habits.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
It's the same problem with my W. I think she's trapped herself into believing there is no other solution besides D. She wants to be a stronger person and stop being a "yes" girl and a pleaser. If she comes back, that's what she'll be in her mind, that same old pleaser.
I think a lot of our WAS are like that. But I think it's not the LBS or the R that makes them a yes girl or a pleaser. It's their own actions and choices. Just because she has a different R in the future, she would probably still be the same pleaser unless she really works on making the changes for herself and continuing to work on that. I mean I have been working on those same issues, and feel I will always need to a bit, whether I am married to my H, single or dating someone else. My H says we had a dysfunctional R, but the truth is it's the people that are in the R that are acting dysfunctional, and I think you need to deal with that no matter what. Don't know if I'm making any sense here... Karen
You make total sense. They are walking away, fine. They say we can be friends, fine again. But to be friends they are still going to have to work on the same issues or even the friendship will not work either.
More to say but got to go.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
It's the same problem with my W. I think she's trapped herself into believing there is no other solution besides D. She wants to be a stronger person and stop being a "yes" girl and a pleaser. If she comes back, that's what she'll be in her mind, that same old pleaser.
I think a lot of our WAS are like that. But I think it's not the LBS or the R that makes them a yes girl or a pleaser. It's their own actions and choices. Just because she has a different R in the future, she would probably still be the same pleaser unless she really works on making the changes for herself and continuing to work on that. I mean I have been working on those same issues, and feel I will always need to a bit, whether I am married to my H, single or dating someone else. My H says we had a dysfunctional R, but the truth is it's the people that are in the R that are acting dysfunctional, and I think you need to deal with that no matter what. Don't know if I'm making any sense here... Karen
Yes people who put a bad name on a relationship are trying to throw the blame & pressure of responsibility away from themselves.
Relationships are inanimate objects, a name, a description of a specific state between 2 individuals.
Individuals are responsible for the state of a relationship. When people leave a relationship without fixing issues or attempting to do fix them or learn from the mistakes that they contributed to the relationship, they are doomed to repeat them in the next relationship. Hence the higher incident rate of 2nd,3rd,4th divorces. It actually gets worse with each subsequent marriage, the tolerance level is much lower, a person experiences the same problems, doesn't realize that they are the common denominator in each new relationship, they bring problems with them, the problems don't stay away or vanish because it's a new relationship. People are also attracted to similar people in new relationships, regardless of what people will admit. It's because we know what we like, what we're attracted to, alot of that doesn't change from person to person. You end up picking someone similar in the next relationship/marriage, perform the same problems, repeat the same mistakes and call it quits much earlier because you won't tolerate that crap anymore but fail to realize the crap is determined by you.
You want a great relationship, be the great relationship. Take 100% responsibility for it's health, make it the best ever, be the kind of spouse you would want in your partner, you want changes in your relationship, look in the mirror and realize that the only real changes that you have the power to make are in yourself. You can't reach out for your spouse, yell at them, reason with them, shake the bad parts out of them. It's impossible and it's very controlling & manipulative to think you can do that with your spouse. Make the changes necessary within yourself, make compromises with your behavior if you want something different, realize something different is required from you first & foremost before you see it in others and then realize the truth that to see a change in your spouse and in your relationship, you have to be the change, the catalyst for change to draw out improved behavior in someone else.
It's one of the hardest lessons to learn and one of the most important. That's why so many relationships fail, we expect the other person to change because we're all obviously perfect and require no change, the other person is at fault, they have a poor attitude, they don't do this or that, etc.
To make a great positive change in your relationships & marriages, the change has to come from you and if you make it a great change, something extremely positive and attractive (not just physically), you will inspire change in others if you truly make a change in yourself.
