B just called and I had a chance to talk with her about my thoughts and where I am. I told her that I didn't have any anger or issues with her and that all I want is for her to be happy. I told her that I think she's remarkable person and a good, loving mother to S2,and that when I disagree with her on things that she please remember that it doesn't mean I don't respect her as his mother - it just means that sometimes we have different ideas about what is best for him. I told her that these last few months have helped me to learn a lot about control and taking responsibility for different aspects of my life - and I also told her that I'm much happier now than I've been in a long time. A large part of the reason I'm happier, I told her, was that I no longer confuse control and the arrogance of control with the idea of being a strong person. I had, for years, thought that my strength came from my ability to control things...even to control people...but I now see just how destructive it can be to be controlling - to want control - and to think that I ever know what's best for another person. Other people have to find out what's best for them themselves...and my fears, and the control that comes out of those fears, should never interfere with someone being who they want to be - or doing what they have to do.
I then mentioned to her that my moving out of this house marks the end of our shared hopes and dreams that we had when we first moved into the house - and that while it was a struggle for me to let those go, I finally have, and feel comfortable with her decision to move on - and mine as well. I asked her if we could work toward becoming friends enough to ensure that we always put our son first, and she agreed.
At the end of our conversation she thanked me for telling her what I did, asked me if was still going to a therapist (she still thinks that I am in therapy for anger management - even though my T quickly determined that I don't have an anger management issue at all - she doesn't know about this determination - and I keep the content of my sessions private - so she doesn't know that a lot of what we talk about it just letting go of her and finding ways to be more affirmative in myself and in my life...my T also seems to like it that I write for a living...so we talk about the creative process a lot too), and then said goodbye. Only once did she start snipping - but it was only because one of her words had cut off due to a spotty cell phone connection - and I answered her in a way that seemed to offend her - at least until the missing word was cleared up - and then things were fine again. I kept the tone civil and calm, and got of the phone by wishing her the best and telling her once more that I wish her a lot of happiness. It was a simple conversation - and I was surprised that I didn't feel any sadness - since it was, essentially a conversation of saying goodbye...and it turned out to be very easy for me just now..
