NC, I'm sure you are very busy with the kids and all, but I hope you post soon and let us know you're doing ok!!! I'm thinking and praying for you and your family!!! You're at a tough part now, but if you're like me at all, and you usually are, your life will get a hundred times better in the next year or 2. (((NC)))) Karen
I thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers and concerns.
Well, I did get served today upon redelivery of the certified letter. I had my two S's with me, so it's not as bad as if I were alone today when this happened.
I'm worn out right now. I'll try to post more later, after I've had a little more time to absorb the impact.
Thanks for posting NC, esp. when in the middle of this. But, whew, I'm glad you're ok!!! I just remember that was one of the tough days when it happened. I'm glad your boys were with you!!! I think you should try to just be selfish and try to do fun things for you and your boys as much as possible. I will check back for more details soon. Try to keep busy, but not just work stuff!!! ((((((NC)))))
And remember I promise you things are going to keep getting better and better. It's been 8 months or so since I got the D papers, and I've gotten so much stronger and happier in that time and you will too!!! Karen
I appreciate your looking in on me, Karen. Up until this afternoon, I thought I was coming to terms with this harsh reality. This weekend, despite this pall over the back of my mind with the D now on the greased rails to materialization, the boys and I had a great weekend. The three of us went to the Blue & Gold dinner (for the cub scouts) and pigged out on dinner and deserts. S8 and I also managed to knock out a number of the achievements he needs to get under him for his Wolf badge. Also, S8 had had a fantastically exemplar week in school last week, and so I rewarded him and his little brother with video games this weekend. All in all a good weekend.
But now I'm about ready to call it all quits.
After S8 had such a great week last week -- all under STBXW's custody -- S8 decided to act up in class today, his first day back under my custody. Thus he had a bad day after a week of successful, good days that his teachers had just glowed about. And while I cheered and congratulated S8 for all his good works last week, despite this being a plus for STBXW, this immediate setback at the very start of his week under my care sheds a very negative light upon me and my parenting.
It doesn't help matters that he would not complete his homework assignment this evening according to the instructions his teacher sent.
And after all three of S8's school property damage incidents last Fall took place under my custody as well, I cannot help but take this personally. I know that S8 is just a little boy and has little control over his own behavior (not that that excuses him) but if he were trying to make me look bad as his parent he couldn't do a better job than what he's done so far. I asked him what he was thinking, to which he has no answer, just shrugs his shoulders and insists that he is trying his best. I know he means well, and he doesn't know it, but he is killing me, folks!
I can guarantee you this and all the other incidents under my watch are being cataloged by STBX and her L. I know they're just reveling in the knowledge that my own son is ignorantly helping scuttle my hopes of being a meaningful parent in my S's lives. I now feel this overwhelming sense of despair, that at this rate I will be lucky to have supervised visitation with either of my S's, let alone 50% custody.
I don't know how to get this across to S8 and S4 without unduly burdening them. I am so lost and despondent right now. I have been on my knees so much before God, and I have sought so many prayers from my church of late, I am beginning to think maybe I am just not destined to be a father any longer either. If that's true, then I don't have much left to consider my life having much meaning. I know God loves me, but I really am starting to think I really don't have a purpose anymore, not in this world anyways. Perhaps that is because I have always been a person with a purpose in life, and so I need to be humbled even more. But I don't think I can take much more.
You know just when I think I've hit rock bottom, I find there's more earth to bury me with. PMA, what's that?!?
Now, Stop it.. Im telling you this because I care. You are a wonderful father. The boys are going through something that is effecting them, now wether it be while they are with you or the wicked witch, its no matter. I don't think that them acting up has anything to do with you having them at that particular time. For all you know they do the same thing with her, she just is NOT going to tell you about it! Kids are kids, they need help through this too,which I know you know and this is not a reflection on you. If their mother uses it against you, I hope and pray the judge sees right through that!!!
Their mother decided to cheat, you didn't make that choice. Instead of her trying to put the pieces back together she chose to rip her family apart. Now, This is of her own doing. Stop blaming yourself, please. Yes you have a purpose, your upsetting me with what you are saying.Don't let her do this to you, you are giving her way too much power over you.
Can you go and talk to your priest, or someone you can just vent to face to face?
Im sorry that you got your "letter" . As much as you've been through, I know it still hurts. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you. Please know that you have helped me over the long months and you are a real friend. Keep your chin up. Email me anytime.
Tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
i highly, highly recommend you find a christian counselor for him. I thought I was able to handle my son's hurt, but boy was I wrong! I was saying the wrong things (meaning well of course) and not helping his aprehension. The C he sees now is wonderful and has helped *both* of us cope. Please give that a try, s8 sounds like he has some issues, he's trying to convey what he feels in the wrong way but he just doesn't know how to do it differently, a C will help him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
And while I cheered and congratulated S8 for all his good works last week, despite this being a plus for STBXW, this immediate setback at the very start of his week under my care sheds a very negative light upon me and my parenting.
It doesn't help matters that he would not complete his homework assignment this evening according to the instructions his teacher sent.
Ok, this happens to me almost every week. The kids spend Friday night and Saturday with their dad and then come home. I usually have the worst day of the week that 24 hours after they come home. I think there are many reasons for that in my case and prob. yours: first of all H keeps them up very late Friday night which I understand he sees them so little I would prob. do that too if I had them one night a week so they're exhausted when they return, also AS kids are horrible at handling transition and switching from one parent to another is a huge transition, also I also think that kids act out the worse with the parent they feel most comfortable with. My S15 tells me some of his horrible depressed feelings sometimes and I've asked him if he shares those kinds of thoughts with his Dad and he says no. Their therapist said she thinks they consider me their "emotional" parent whatever that means, but I think she basically means they feel they can act and vent with me and I'll always be there and not leave them. Maybe they feel more safe with you than your W???
I do think counseling like Cat suggested is a good idea. Aren't your boys already seeing someone? If not, that's good. My S15 seems better now after a couple months of therapy, not completely back to himself but on his way at least. ((((NC))))
Also re: the homework. My kids the only reason they balk at homework is usually b/c they are having some kind of problem with it. They don't understand it or feel they can't do it. Usually after a couple ?s I can figure out what they don't understand or it they think they can't do it, break it down into smaller pieces. That usually helps.
BTW, one day when i was feeling just like you and my D9 was melting down after a visit with her dad, I asked her do you do this with your dad? (He tells the C that she doesn't). My S15 overhead and says yes she does do that with dad. Apparently he won't admit to that and even lies about it for some reason. So I doubt your kids are perfect angels with your W either!!! Karen
Unfortunately today was as bad as yesterday -- in one way worse.
Perhaps counseling for both of my S's might be in order. (Thanks for the suggestion, Cat.)
I have to clarify that S8's behavior yesterday (and today) is bad enough, but that it was done so openly and publicly, before teachers and staff -- and can thus be brought up in court. And given all the glowing praise given to STBXW by the teachers for last week, these two days stand in such stark contrast.
S8 is handing to STBXW on a silver platter her entire case to have me relegated to the same marginalized role as those so-called fathers who don't even want to be involved in their children's lives.
The pity is that we had such a great start this weekend (my week of custody began Friday evening.) So S8 has had time to adjust to the transition before the start of school this week. Moreover, even though I have now had to hold the video games at bay, especially on a "school night". STBXW can claim she hasn't had to restrict the gameplay while still managing to get S8 to perform well.
No, all these points may be just circumstantial in nature, but added altogether it only points out that I am a lousy parent at worst and one my children just do not really respect at the very least, certainly not like their mother, it would appear. If I were a judge looking at this impartially, even I would have to come to the same conclusion.
To cap it all off, my S4 had a complete conniption fit and melt-down when I dropped S8 off at the wicked MIL's before school. S4 did not want to go to preschool if it meant being apart from S8 and he would have rather gone to stand with S8 at the bus stop for the 15 minutes it would take and then go back to be with his "grandmother" the rest of the day than go with me to take him to preschool. He had such a crying fit that STBXW came out to my car (I couldn't leave until I got S4 back into his seatbelt and settled down, which he was resisting) and tried to act like Super-Mom and get him to calm down. Eventually S4 did settle down after we both tried to convince him it was for just one more day. All the while I was feeling so much resentment towards STBXW for putting all of us in this frakking situation. I was deeply hurt because S4 was saying he didn't want to go anywhere with me ever again, and he said he'd rather stay with the evil MIL.
And once I pulled into the Preschool parking lot, S4 started bawling again, and so I had to try to soothe him yet again. The good news is that I managed to coax him inside and to get him settled, and at the end of the day he had forgotten all about his desire to forego Daddy and the preschool.
S8 however has another bad day, acting up and not completing his assignments. Even though he knows the score and how dire the situation obviously is, he still allowed his unruly nature get the better of himself.
I know both of my S's love me. But unfortunately I fear they don't really respect me, and their actions bear this out. This is the respect a husband or father must command to be able to properly lead my children. I blame STBXW for this as she has denied me due respect for many years now, especially with her wanton lack of faithfulness. And her continual parading of OM before my S's only reminds them of my weakened position in their eyes.
I am trying to return to an even keel with this. I am learning to not let this affect me so much. If my sons decide to ignore my counsel or allow their more wild natures get the better of them despite my instructions not to, then I will have to resign myself to the cold, hard fact that they will be removing themselves from the regular influence of a loving, conscientious and devoted father. I really cannot help if they prefer their mother (as bent and wicked as she has turned out) to me. I expect that even, knowing how boys are. I can merely love them just the same, no matter what. And if that is not enough to save our R with each other, then I can say that I have done the best I can.
NC, please, please please call a C right now, my s10 doesn't act up at that rate but he is still going to a C, the damage that this freaking D inflicts on kids can go on throughout their lives if we dont' do something NOW. Pick up the phone, google the web and find yourself a C, there is no perhaps, they need someone who can help them deal with their hurt, to help you help them.
Before C, every time my son would complain about live-in-gf and her kids I always tried to tell him he'd have to accept it, I tried to tell him that things could be worse, etc etc. The C told me that I needed to let him vent, that he'd vent over and over and that my role wasnt' to downplay how bad the sitch was, I was to say "yes, I hear you, I know this hurts", to let him get it out until it was all out. He is doing so much better now, I really thought I could handle it since, as Karen points out, I was the "emotional" parent, they dont' tell their dad anything, only me. The C taught me a lot, that's why I encourage you to please seek a professional, specially if your son is having such a hard time at school.
Moreover, having C sessions will be some sort of a record that you have a professional who can see the real picture and if necessary say that it isn't you being a bad parent that is making your son act up.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have to agree. My son having bad grades and acting up in school, how could that ever relate back to my H since they live with me 90% of the time?? Well effects of divorce and the feelings that are caused don't always conveniently show themselves. they are upset because they are. Perhaps your STBXW is very strict or just won't hear of them crying, so that all the frustration comes out when they are with you.
My s13 won't discuss his anger, frustration and disappointment with his Dad. His Dad talks down to him and says what he says goes so he feels that it won't do any good to voice his opinion anyway. I don't think you do that. The way you talk about them shows what a great parent you are. Don't ever doubt that.
I do think it would help to go to a C. They could get so much out that way instead of at school. and by the way , what 4 year old wouldn't choose grandma's(despite how evil in this case) over school? Cut yourself some slack.
hugs, Kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
