Was watching for a few days and didn't see you posting. Hang in there. I am with you about wishing you had done some things better as a husband. My only thought there is be reall careful when you do the self reflecting. It is easy to start looking at your own faults. When this all happened I took the whole burden on myself. Slowly and with a lot of reading (about MLC, menopause, self help, infidelity) and truely breaking down each situation I now realize there are things I could have done differently but I quite possibly would be right here still.
Sounds like you are getting out and meeting neighbors. That's great. I think that is one of our problems. We moved to our current city and had nothing in common with our neighbors, she didn't socialize with anyone from work becasue of her position, and I work an hour away from where we live. Effectivly we really didn't have any friends here and it took a toll on our happiness. My biggest regret is that I didn't nurture any friendships prior to our breakup. Make it tough.
Did I tell you I have always like Methodists LOL Sounds like a great round table
My wife has been a little better since I laid into her about our daughter. She spent the day with her doing girl things. My daughter really enjoyed it. Of course then when circus came into town I mentioned it was on the weekend my wife had her and she told me she was hoping it would pass without my daughter seeing it. ARG!!! That has always been her tactic. But all that does is keep her from going and then when the daughter hears about it later she realizes she missed out. She does this with anything she doesn't like to do. So I took her. Daughter loved it.
I think I am going to stop worring about how good her realtionship is with my daughter. At first I didn't want to be one of those Disneyland dads but having a wife in a MLC and not wanting to do anything with her daughter that is not fun for her puts a whole new spin on it.
Sounds like you are doing great as a dad!! And don't worry about the list. I have made one also. I think as hard as it is you still have to truly evaluate whether the realtionship is one to get back into given the chance. It will especailly help if you decide it is time to move on.
I believe that a huge difference between the spouse leaving and the one left is our focus. When you care about someone dearly you tend to ignore the faults and grieveances. Believe me I see my wife and fall back into it. And once I get away I start to remind myself of the list. Not saying do it but it helps me.
Having a child makes it difficult but i realize her need for a happy father is probablly as important as any other needs out there!!
Keep up the positive side!!!! And watch you daughter smile when you are down
I now realize there are things I could have done differently but I quite possibly would be right here still.
I totally agree.....
Sometimes I feel that no matter what I did, or possibly could have done, it would have been an exercise in futility. It would be like trying to carry water in a sieve, keeping her happy....like she is programmed for tragedy and drama.
As far as wife's R with D, I limit my involvement to keeping tabs with D about how she is being treated. W's unhappiness sometimes spills over to D, and W acts crabby and short-tempered.
I did have a good time last night. Most of my neighbors now know that we are seperated. It was good to finally get out and interact with others, as for the longest time W complained that she had to be social at work and wasn't interested in being social on her free time.
D and I enjoyed the circus as well, but I think D missed her mom being there, as we had all gone together the previous year.
Apparantly though, I found out that W took D to the Circus the last day, with a guy and his kid and W did not tell me.
When I asked her about it, telling her her lovelife was not my concern, but my d's exposure to it was, she said he was one of her student workers and this was just a friend, not a romantic relationship. She understood the issue about not involving our D with someone she was dating. ( she hasn't actually been seeing anyone, unless she is lying about this guy).
Truthfully, she does not look near as good as she could, she hasn't taken much care about her appearances and has gained some weight.
When I see her though, I can see the good friend I spent 10 yrs of my life with, or I can see the crazy, unhappy, never content nutjob that left me.
Last edited by native; 02/22/0902:54 PM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
Tonight as she picked up our D, she told me there was something she wanted to say. OH GOD...the dreaded SOMETHING that she has to say. I have learned that anything that follows is some type of bomb, on the scale of a hand grenade to a smart bomb.
She said that she had put a profile on Cupid.com. There was a long silence. I asked her why she needed to tell me this.
"Well, I didn't want anyone else telling you. Don't you think it was the right thing to do, to tell you first ?'
I responded that 'I don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation.....I had no playbook for this and had not planned to be here (in this situation). Nobody is reporting back to me on your behavior and I am not keeping tabs on it'
(Ok, between us, I have kept tabs but not obsessivly).
Another long silence. Prior to her announcment I was behaving normally, not pursuing, but talking about our daughter and her school. Pleasant, nonchalant, detached.
Her salvo stung, but only for a few moments, as I looked at her dead pan face and realized anew that this was not the woman I had fallen in love with and married. This was the alien that had slowly replaced her and so it was not hard to let this alien go back to wherever the hell it had come from.
The only thing that hurt was saying goodbye to my daugter, as she blew kisses and waved all the way to the car.
Thankfully there was no big scene and D was blissfully unaware of all that had transpired.
I truly hate that alien.
And still love my wife.
Last edited by native; 02/23/0912:56 AM.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
I will be sharing a bit about it perhaps, if memorable.
Please do I know it's tough and who knows why they say the tings they say. It's like they all of a sudden care more about your feelings now than they have for the last couple of years LOL
Waving at daughter as she leaves goes a long way. They really love that.
My daughter called me last night and said they were driving through the neighborhood and asked if they could stop by. I said of course. No expectations from the wife (see I am learning). Then as they are coming in the door the wife says, "this wasn't a planned thing". LOL they always have to be doing something in their head. But it was enjoyable. We laughed and goofed off for thirty minutes. Then I sat here all night wondering - you know how that is... and this morning wife calls asking about an appointment for daughter on calender and tells me she has a conflicting appt with lawyer.... LOL They are always shooting something across the bow. I think in her mind it is her way saying, "don't have false hopes".
I worry to my self though as I stop blaming myself and realize I may be better off without her... what would I do if she wanted to reconcile because of my daughter? It is the indecision that is killing me. Because quite honestly the minute I mae the true decision to move on I will be gone.
Do you struggle with this?
PS.. Like I said Idon't really have any DB advice. I actually think I have done all the wrong things. If you ever feel that I am cutting into the advice you can get from let me know K!
Ok, so I'm a woman, I do that too. What should I say - just come out with it with no warning??? I'm being serious - what's your mans POV? Really, I would like to know???
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Well, the "I have something I want to say" or the "We need to talk" phrase is only used for bad news.....
For once I would like to hear " I have something I want to say...you are a wonderful husband and father" or something crazy like that....
For us guys, we need to hear it, even if we aren't the best, but you can be sure we will want to live up to the woman's expectations that tells us this......
I think that sometimes we have to focus on what's good to get to what's better.
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
You know what? I never really thought about it until you just posted your response. It isn't against women it's just that all my relationship experience is with women. And everytime I have heard that it is followed up with something devastating
The good talks always came after "do you have time to talk' or 'can we talk about something".
and I guess if I really analyze this which I never had until your post... so thank you... the first two are orders or commands. You aren't really being asked to talk you are being told that someone is going to tell you something. Bad news is coming!
When I really try to think this one over, the times I have seen this coming from a guy would be a supervisor I had once that had a grudge with me and he would start off with "I need to see you" or "I need to talk to you". These were going to be followed up with some correction of me. But once again if you notice I didn't have a choice, the conversation was going to take place... Bad news!
So I would say if you really just want to communicate and clear the air - I vote for "can we talk about this" or do you have time to talk abou tsomehting" it takes all the apprehension ou to it.
