Turning Arrows Into Flowers

[Concerned_Listener]

Matilda,
The complementary piece to DB is the mental work of acceptance (peace). I don't like the word detachment as it's connotation implies indifference. I prefer terms such as acceptance, nonreactivity, presence, and opennness.

I listened to an audio podcast this weekend on the topic of Listening to Your Life by Tara Brach. She talked about the practice of unconditional listening.

Unconditional listening means being willing to listen to someone without defense, or reactivity. It involves being open to hearing what they have to say, no matter how unpleasant it is. It's being willing to connect to them, versus protect ourselves.

My self-assessment is that I become defensive around listening to my W when there are difficult topics that involve failings in the M. I think fear takes over, and I become reactive.

She attempted to talk to me about a week ago. I was able to stay with the conversation, but wasn't able to communicate that I was listening. The best I could do was to stay in the room. It was a step forward for me.

I think this is a skill I will need to cultivate and incorporate into DB, if we're going to move forward. We'll see if an opportunity presents itself again.

I don't want to see opportunity for healing pass because I am too afraid to listen to a difficult conversation.

My W went out on Friday night and returned Sunday afternoon. I went dancing Saturday night, met a classmate who I spent the night practicing my waltz with, danced with new ladies, and ladies in my network.

At this point, I plan my social calendar, let my W know my plans, and proceed without her if she doesn't express interest.

I don't tell people I'm M (implies I'm only available to be social as a couple; at this point I'm single within a M), but do acknowledge I'm in a R (if it comes up), so that way ladies know I'm not available for dating. I've decided that people who know of my R with my W, don't need to know the personal details of our R (marital status). I have a feeling people who know us as a couple, can guess that we're having trouble at this time, yet respect my privacy.

I think there should be transparency in anything I do. I don't feel the need to report the details of each social outing, but should be able to tell my W each of my activities when asked (when, what, and where with whom).

CL