Well, I think you have seen and got exactly what you have been expecting and a whole lot more besides.
He is really scratching around to find ways of getting to you, and at the same time release guilt from himself. There is NO way that any of what you were told consitutes an attempt to work on the M, in fact, it's not even the type of conversation you would have with a friend. I think it really tells you where he is in your relationship. He does feel guilty, but is unable to process that internally and therefore turns on you and points out YOUR failures. It's called projection. They are probably his own feelings about himself.
Telling someone that they failed as a parent is THE most hurtful thing a partner can do. I would guess that as his previous efforts to get at you have failed, then he is bringing out 'the big guns' and letting rip. forget what he said, it doesn't reflect on real life, you know that, and from the little time I've had to get to know you, I know that as well.
There is NOTHING wrong with kids still living at home, my S23 is still here and I love it. We have had more fun recently than we have had for years. It's not a male thing, it's a narrow minded thing. They are YOUR kids, they can stay with YOU as long as YOU want them too right?. Stuff everyone else and their opinions. Looking after them at the early stages of adulthood is just as important as looking after them as babies. It shows, to me, that they consider home a safe place, a loving place and the fact that they are still there, means that you ARE a good mother. If you weren't, they would be gone.
With regards to waiting. You have your own reasons for doing that.
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as far as I am I concerned - he has left the M. He has said it is over and if he changes his mind, he will have a lot of work to do to get me back - and in the meantime I may decide not to be available. I didn't get M to live alone, or to be left hanging. So I will start making decisions accordingly
That is the most sensible and correct thing I've heard you say Kass, and the fact that it took a bad conversation with your H to make you say it, is irrelevant. You are NOT going to get any grief from me for talking to him. Only a hug. {{{Kass}}}
Thanks for what you said. I am feeling pretty low and alone. I know I am right but he gets things so twisted sometimes that I just need someone to remind me that I am ok and I know what I am doing.
I had been thinking about it for awhile now - the fact that I need to make decisions for myself - I was planning on it anyway, I just didn't want to say anything to him before it was necessary. Like, if the kids do move with their F, or go away to school, I may have to sell the house - I don't think I can make the payments myself and the utilities and taxes are awful. But it is all mine so I can do what I want.
Telling him that I may not want to wait was something i had been debating saying because I knew it would blow up. And I think that part of today's blow out had to do with it. I just thought it was time for him to face some reality - just as he has been dishing it out to me for a long time. I didn't want to do it in reaction to anything he said, I needed to wait for my own time to put it out there. He is sober, and in IC, but he isn't saying anything different to me, just justifying his own thoughts.
The convo wasn't all bad to start with, he did ask forgiveness for some things, and he eventually hear me telling him that I wanted his appreciation for hanging in there for 3 years like this, versus his demand that I have to work on things. But from there it always goes downhill. He can't maintain any decency for long. I am truely surprised that he really can't pull it together.
As much as I think I have bent over backwards, I still have thoughts that I could do things differently. Did you feel that way at all?
I feel that way pretty much every day. There are a lot of 'what ifs' and 'If onlys' going on in my head most of the time.
When I manage to sit down and think quietly (not often!) I don't reflect on what has happened, or why. I just plan the future the way I want it to be. There will always be nniggling doubts about how we act / react but what is done, is done. If you feel like changing your approach to things, do it.
One of my life long mottos has been "If it feels good, do it!!"
I stand by that now. If it stops feeling good, then I either work at it to get the good back or let it go and be bad on its own somewhere.
I know we do a lot of "what ifs" in life. And I know a lot of people who live by "if it feels good do it", I like what you added to that saying about either working at getting it back there or letting it go.
I believe life is about making choices, the process being more important than the choice itself and the outcome at times. I also believe that if we don't like the outcome we can make another choice. I am trying to figure out what the learning is about here in my sitch. And I want to learn - but I am not always certain that what every one else wants is what is best for me. I made a lot of choices in my younger years based on others and didn't like the outcome for myself. I have been trying to stir clear of asking others' opinions in my case because I am the one who has to live with the outcome. With my current M I have been gradually asserting control over what is important to me, what I know to be right, and what takes care of me. I really did want to be helpful to my H and his problem, but it seems that he blocks every opportunity to be helpful.
Anyway, I am a bit shaken, but as you said, this was coming and now it is behind us. I was clear with him and we will see what happens.
H left few more messages that I just listened to: He says in a loud but not yelling mode that if we are to ever work this M out two things have to happen - 1- we need to forgive each other, 2- we need to be able to do things for each other whether we like it or not. He adds that he doesn't see that happening with the kids there because they get in the way of my being able to do for him what he wants.
I will not respond because he should be thinking how to apply to the sitch himself. Somehow he just can't see that he has to do this for me and for us. He only sees what he wants me to do for him.
From reading this thread I think that you and your husband would really benefit from what Retrouvaille has to offer. You can check their website at http://www.helpourmarriage.org. My husband and I went two years ago, and we were having problems a lot like yours. But the weekend really opened both of our eyes about how to get along with each other. Three years ago today, he was having an affair and plotting a divorce. Today, because I am sick, he made me a chicken soup, and cleaned the kitchen after. These things would have been unbelievable back then. Now they don't even surprise me. And we owe it all to Retrouvaille. On our own, we would have gotten divorced.
Checking on you Kassie. I know you have your lows but overall you are so impressive in how you are handling yourself in this. I think it may also be blowing your H away as well.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
There is no way on God's earth that he has ANY right to be dictating to you what needs to happen. He knows, you know and what he said is total rubbish.
I'm a little tired now...yello...but I will have a think about things tomorrow and get back to you some more.
Stick with what you are doing, it's rattling his cage and that is a GOOD thing.
Just what is working? What am I doing? I think I am screwing it up and making him more angry and possibly pushing him away. I don't think I am doing what we are supposed to be doing to DB. Any help or further comments appreciated. Feeling mostly scared right now.
