We all repeat the patterns we saw growing up in our own families when whether we are alone or M. ( for instance, some people never m and are considered to be m to their job.) The patterns that hurt us the most are the ones we have to look at and change what we can in ourselves so that the dance changes in our R. Sometimes, M people start out one way and turn each other into the "monster" that we were afraid of as children. That is why there is an emphasis on changing ourselves and seeing the impact on our spouses.
AT the risk of having you think too much and not sleeping... I would suggest you try to see how the past patterns showed up in your current M. Obviously your H wasn't always this way or you wouldn't have M him. Isn't that what everyone says? They were different. So were we to a point, M changed that or sometimes it is having children that changes it.
When Michele suggests doing 180's, or going dark, it is so that we can either return to the person we used to be, or try something new, or have the time and space to consider the patterns that don't work and the ones that do or did.
