Puppy Dog Tails

[saffie]

Steve,

I think you bring up very valid points about the damage continual 'snooping' can do.

I don't think Puppy would ever advocate someone collected intel to the prolonged detriment of their health/ sanity etc.... I wonder a bit if you are projecting your own experiences into the mix here.

I do actually think there is a bit of a difference between finding out where one stands and 'snooping' as such. I also see a fair few folks on these boards that spend hours, which then add up into days/weeks, agonising about what is going on with their S. Finding out might allow them to make a decision about how to proceed and stop waffling.

In my sitch I would have found it hard to gather evidence....in fact I never did because I was unaware an A was going on......but that didn't stop my M being a misery and it would have accounted for a lot of hurtful things I just couldn't understand that my H did, and it would have saved me some public humiliation that still scars my outlook on life and interaction with others IRL to this day. Do I wish I had known about these ways of gathering evidence? Yes! Would I have used them? Probably. I knew something was happening - just not what;I had to wait until my H told me.( I had fleetingly thought about him having an A but I knew that I didn't have any way of establishing factual evidence and that was what I would have needed to get him to open up to me - just accusing him would have caused harm and vitriol without any conclusion - let's face it; If he was cheating on me he was hardly going to tell me the truth until HE was ready). Could it have helped me to know - yes, I feel it would. I feel it may have well helped me sort things out sooner and caused less harm and hurt to my children and to my mental health.

Have I used any of the methods puppy has advocated since knowing about them just to 'check up' on my H - no. I am happy now that my H is totally faithful again and our M is on a strong footing; I have to trust at some point for the M to work. However, if things got like they had before, ( and I pray that with all the learning and growing we have done that couldn't happen), I would do what I could to find out where I stood. I wouldn't carry on 'snoooping' afterwards....once I had established what was going on.

This is not an exact science - surely you can see that?

I know that I have on some occasions rubbed another poster up the wrong way - I have never done it on purpose. I don't think puppy would either. We all carry our own baggage, and it is good to hear all sides.