Still getting nowhere fast....

[lost-n-Iowa]

I once posted on here a year ago but can't find the thread to link it to this one so I will give quick details.

My H and I have been M for almost 3 years, together for 5 1/2, and have been having trouble since the first year. I have 2 D's from previous relationships and he has no kids. He works over the road and is gone half of the time, it has been this way since we met. This actually works for me because of how unhappy this R is. Last year on Jan. 4th he filed for a divorce, we went through everything of seperating all of our stuff and having the papers drawn up then sat and waited for the 90 days to get here. One week to go and we talked. Mind you I never wanted the divorce in the first place so when he said that he wanted to give it another try I was elated. I said yes and he moved back home. We filed for a continuance on the divorce, not just dropping it. We were getting 90 days to see if it would work and if it did we would drop it, if it did not work we could still go through with it. 90 days was great, we were doing great, we were treating each other good, we had minor disagreements not full blown arguments...everything was the way that I believed our M could be. 91 days and bam here came the mean, selfish, arrogant man that I prayed would never come back. So here we are almost 7 months after the papers got dropped and I am so ready to run again.

My H is the cruelest, most selfish human being I have ever met. He beleives that since he makes almost 5 times as much as I do that I am never going to amount to anything, that he will always be better than me, and that I don't deserve anything. This is actual quotes from my H. He makes almost $95,000 a year, I make $20,000 at my job. I love my job, I am home when the kids get on the bus or off, I can leave at a moments notice to get them if they are sick and I am able to pay the bills that I am required to pay. Anyway....our fights are always the same, money, kids, sex, and family.

Family...he hates then, they hate him.

Sex...I am 31 have been in menopause since 25 and have ABSOLUTLY no desire. He has it on his mind alot and wants it all the time. I can't have sex with my H when I am not interested in it.

Kids...I am a yeller and he is a spanker. He thinks everything that I do with the kids is the wrong way and tells me all the time that 'if they were his kids then I would have to do it his way' or 'they won't amount to anything if they take after you'

money...whats his is his, whats mine is his, mine, and the girls to be shared with him getting the most of it. He pays all of the big bills (house payments, insurance, gas, ect.) and I pay the little bills (elec., TV, trash, etc.) Plus I buy everything that is needed to keep a house running and almost everything that my D's need. And run the farm when he is gone. He gets $900-1500 a week, I get $1278 once a month. If I need to ask him for extra for something then I have to do a sexual favor to get it.

My H says some very mean things to me when we argue, he tells me that I am no good, will never be good enough, that I am flabby, that I am ugly, that he does not love me when we argue, that he hopes my girls will get taken from me if we get a D, tells me that my privates smell because I am always cheating on him, that I should just go sleep with a n***er (please do not get mad at me for quoting my H here, I am trying to tell the truth about my M and I am having to tone down the nasty words that he uses, please don't flag this for the n word.), says I am a gold digger, says that I am not a good mom to my girls. I could go on and on and on.

I am not perfect either, I throw it in his face that he cheated on me the first year that we were together, that he was the quitter of the M cuz he filed for a D instead of trying, and I call him names like a*****e, and tell him that he is a worthless piece of s***. I do not keep my tounge and I know that it is wrong. I have never cheated on him, take showers daily, and I do believe that I am a good mom.

Does anyone have any advice about what I can do about this M that I am in. I feel like getting out but he constantly tells me that if we get a D that it won't be like last time. He was giving me a rental house, all my stuff, and $5000 as long as he got all his stuff, the farm, and I left his 401k, pension, and annuity alone. I had agreed to all of that. Now he says I will not get anything like that this time. I don't deserve any of it because all I am is the part time worker and the rest of the time I am a stay at home mommy. I will never be at the same level in life that he is.

I have read the books, tried the techniques, gone to a councelor, (her advice was to run while I could), lurked on here for a long time, I am still lost as to what I should be doing. I don't think that my M is good at all, a -1 on the scale from 1-10. Please help if you can. Sorry this was so long, but it helped to vent and is really hard to find a stopping point.

[gucci loafer]

When a man tells you these types of things.....

My H says some very mean things to me when we argue, he tells me that I am no good, will never be good enough, that I am flabby, that I am ugly, that he does not love me when we argue, that he hopes my girls will get taken from me if we get a D, tells me that my privates smell because I am always cheating on him, that I should just go sleep with a n***er (please do not get mad at me for quoting my H here, I am trying to tell the truth about my M and I am having to tone down the nasty words that he uses, please don't flag this for the n word.), says I am a gold digger, says that I am not a good mom to my girls. I could go on and on and on.

I have never seen one of these turn around without the abused leaving and the abuser getting serious counsel. Even then it is rare.....


You need to start planning your escape. Find out your rights and what your financial rights are regarding divorce. Do NOT tell your husband you are doing this. Quit believing what he tells you about what "he" will do.

Despite all of that, even if he does get all of what he says he will, it is NOT worth what you are going through. You need to get out even if you get nothing. Start over. You can do it. Don't let fear paralyze you. He has terribly low self esteem and feels he is nothing and wants to bring you down to his level. All abusers do this. You will never feel better about yourself until you decide that you will take NO MORE OF THIS. PERIOD.

That is your answer.

[gucci loafer]

When a man tells you these types of things.....

My H says some very mean things to me when we argue, he tells me that I am no good, will never be good enough, that I am flabby, that I am ugly, that he does not love me when we argue, that he hopes my girls will get taken from me if we get a D, tells me that my privates smell because I am always cheating on him, that I should just go sleep with a n***er (please do not get mad at me for quoting my H here, I am trying to tell the truth about my M and I am having to tone down the nasty words that he uses, please don't flag this for the n word.), says I am a gold digger, says that I am not a good mom to my girls. I could go on and on and on.

I have never seen one of these turn around without the abused leaving and the abuser getting serious counsel. Even then it is rare.....


You need to start planning your escape. Find out your rights and what your financial rights are regarding divorce. Do NOT tell your husband you are doing this. Quit believing what he tells you about what "he" will do.

Despite all of that, even if he does get all of what he says he will, it is NOT worth what you are going through. You need to get out even if you get nothing. Start over. You can do it. Don't let fear paralyze you. He has terribly low self esteem and feel he is nothing and wants to bring you down to his leve. All abusers do this. You will never feel better about yourself until you decide that you will take NO MORE OF THIS. PERIOD.
Most men who don't trust women and falsely accuse them of wanting other men, are the very men who are secretly doing what they accuse you of behind YOUR back. I would bet he should not be trusted.

That is your answer.

[lost-n-Iowa]

Gucci...

Thanks for the reply...I can appreciate what you are telling me because I have said these things to myself many times over. Your right there is the fear of starting over and having nothing. I will admit, I would not be where I am in life if it was not for my H, finacially or as depressed. I am afraid that everything that I have gained I will lose. I will not be able to pay for a house payment and all the bills plus for my hobbies. ( I own 3 horse for me and my girls and pay for a trailer at the bank.) I would be heartbroken if I lost what I have, my M and material things. That sounds so shallow of me. These are just excuses I know but I am afraid of starting over, not having enough to provide money for my girls, being alone, etc. I also agree about what you said about getting myself ready in case of a divorce. I have already been thinking about it and have been setting a few things up that hopefully he won't find out about if we go through a divorce.
I agree about what you said about the accuser is usually the one that is doing what he/she accuses the other of doing. I have had a hard time getting past the first time he cheated even though I tried to forgive and forget. Sometimes I wonder if he has done it again.

I have told him that I hate the way this M has ended up and that I can't stand him when he acts like this but my feelings never seem to matter to him. He says I need to change and to do it his way and then he will be happy so he will treat me better and then everything will be okay. What a crock of crap!!

He had left today after we got into a fight about money and when he came back he told me that he was leaving to go do chores with a friend and then to play cards at the local school gym and that he would be gone till tomorrow. I am glad that he has left us for the night. Does that make me a bad person because I can't wait for my H to leave? That I can't wait for him to go back on the road? How does a person get back the self esteem that they once had that some one has beaten down?

[SRTTF]

You and your girls do not deserve this. He is an @ss. You need to get your self esteem and respect back. Show your girls that it is not ok that this continues.

You will need to swollow the pride pill and ask for help from family and friends. They all want you to be happy also. As far as the D, he has no idea what he can and can't have in the D. That is what lawyers are for and the judges DO NOT look down on stay at home mothers. Actually you could get spousal support while you are going thru the D and possiably after. All you have to do is show proof that you are not able to "support the same standard of living as when you were together". (that is from a lawyer). Check into free legal aid. In MN it was easy and they only asked about your money and nothing else.

I know about the fear of failing should things change but you need to think about the fear of staying and what you are showing your girls.

Protect yourself and the girls. Stay in touch and be careful.

[Bridgestone]

When a man tells you these types of things.....


I have never seen one of these turn around without the abused leaving and the abuser getting serious counsel. Even then it is rare.....

Agreed.... read my sitch in WAS forum

You need to start planning your escape. Find out your rights and what your financial rights are regarding divorce. Do NOT tell your husband you are doing this.

please start now.. what can we do to help? I have suggestions, but I will wait for you to ask.

Things can be different, maybe with him, but definitely without him as he is... BUT YOU need to make things different very, very carefully.


Peace
Bridgestone

[lost-n-Iowa]

What suggestions do you have about getting yourself ready for what may come? My main concern is weather I would be able to support my girls after it was all said and done. I have a job that I love and would hate to give it up so that I could work more hours somewhere else for maybe a little more money. I know that I could probably get state assistant for a bit to get things started. I am not above that if it helps keep food on the table for my girls but I think I make a little bit too much. But it's a place to fall back on if needed. I know that there would be some sacrifices so that I could save money like TV, internet, and the likes. I buy most of the girls clothes at resale shops since they grow so fast so I know I can cut some more cost in some places. I get support from one of my girls' dad and he is regular but the other is what I would consider a deadbeat dad, no support, can't keep a job, can't keep insurance on her (which my H does have on her even though he doesn't have too).

My H did not come home last night at all. I can only assume that he stayed at friends' house He has not called and probably won't. I should not be suprised by that. I feel like breaking down and crying but I don't want my girls to see it happening.

My H is suppose to leave to go back to Georgia for 2 weeks on Wednesday. I am counting down the days. I don't want to talk to him cuz I know that we will end up fighting. He is mad at me as I am mad at him. We got our taxes done and we got a very large amount back. We spoke about what to do with it and I thought that we had an agreement about the funds. I was to pay off a $5100 lawyer bill (from custody battle) and he was to pay $4000 to state taxes and prepaying our gas bill. What was left we split. I only had to pay the lawyer $4700 so I told him that I would split the extra with him. We had to split the refund down the middle so the bank would cash it since he was out of state at the time, so he owed me $550 from that, minus the $200 and he was to give me $350. Okay so far he said. Then he paid prepaid the gas bill but it only came to $1400 instaed of the $200 that he had said he was going to pay to it. He refused to split the rest with me stating that it was his money and I had been nice to split my extra even though he never asked me to. I guess I could have lied to him!!! Anyway we fought about this for two days. I accussed him of stealing my money because he was refusing to give me the original $350 that he owed me plus the extra from the gas bill. I told him that I could not trust him, that my faith in him was gone, and that when he gives me his word it doesn't mean much now that he has screwed me over. I also said that him not giving me the money that I was owed was stealing from me and the girls. Unfortunaly I did not say this quietly enough and the girls heard. My oldest wrote him a note that said she was hurt that he would not give mommy the money becuase that is what mommy uses to pay for the stuff that she needs and wants. We fought enough that I locked him out of the house and took his debit card. Told him that when he gave me what he owed me I would give it back. He wrote me a check on an agreed amount of $500. I have kept his debit card until I can cash that check on Monday and make sure that he has not put a stop check on it. Once the check is cashed then I will give his debit card back.

Besides the fact that I am being immature and stooping to his level of stupidity....Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I wrong for wanting the money that we had agreed on before we cashed the tax check? If I am don't hold back tell me what you think? I am second guessing myself now that he has been gone this long and I am scared that he won't come home tomorrow and will go to his lawyer and file papers. I am so confused. I can't talk to my family about this because they dont' like him and they would just take my side no matter what and say all kinds of terrible things about him. In other words they would be EXTREMELY bias. I don't want to burden my friends with this stuff because they may feel like I want them to take sides. i have no where else to go but here. Please help of you can......

[lost-n-Iowa]

Sorry my letters are so long....I can't help it right now.

[Bridgestone]

hi again,
I'm glad you reposted.. no worries about how long they are... sometimes getting out your worries here helps keep them here instead of spilling over into your 'real life'.

There is nothing 'wrong' with your feelings... you are in the midst of a confusing, anxious time... just because you 'feel' something doesn't mean you have to 'act' on it. You can choose to take a time out & come back to a discussion when you are feeling stronger & more in control of your emotions.

Do you have access to Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through your work? They will usually provide counseling free of charge. Even if they don't, some medical insurances will pay for some visits to a counselor as well. It might be worth a call to check..I would highly recommend it, some professional help for your peace of mind... find someone who specializes in abusive relationships or family counseling, and ask if they have experience in helping women in your situation.

I hear that one of your biggest concerns in $$. That is understandable.

I know in Iowa (I take it from your username that is where you live) there are insurance programs for kids who are not covered. HAWK-I coverage... here's one schools website for it.

http://www.lincoln.dubuque.k12.ia.us/MainPages/Staff/Nurse/HawkI.html

While I understand your concerns about telling your family members about this.. you need close support & a possible safe place if you decide to leave. You can tell them you are not going to listen to their 'terrible' things and leave the room if they start. Tell them you just need them to emotionally support you & your kids as you walk this difficult path.

As far as food, check with local churches as there are wonderful programs out there for food donations (angel food ministries) for as little as $30/month for a family of 4.
http://www.angelfoodministries.com/

Most communities have domestic abuse groups.. friends of the family type of organization. You can call & anonymously talk to someone about the other resources available in your community or nearby.

I would also have have a back-up plan to get you & your girls out of potentially dangerous situation. I'm glad to hear your H is going to be gone for a while soon.. that will give you some time to sort some details out as you need to in order to take care of you & your girls.

When the two of you are home together, try not to get in a room with him that does not have 2 ways out of it.

If you choose to leave (a room or the house) in the middle of an argument, try & do so calmly and let him know that you just need a time out, not that you're leaving for good.. that tends to be like throwing gas on the fire.

Keep a spare set of car keys some place you can always get to them. (glove compartment of the car, under the seat, in the ashtray)

Have bag of spare clothes with extra cash in the trunk.

Have someone (preferrably a big brawny brother or friend) on your speeddial that will come check on you if they receive a call from you that is unresponsive (in other words you can hit the speed dial number & leave the phone sit on the counter or in your pocket without waiting for them to answer it).

In my experience & from what I read about sitches like these, the closer the abused woman is to leaving, the angrier & more dangerous the abuser becomes. Your first priority is your & your kids safety. Community services will take care of things, as you said to start out, if $$ is an issue.

What are you doing to take care of yourself? De-stress? Enjoy 5 minutes of a day? I know it's hard to think about that in the middle of this... but it really helps with your state of mind as this progresses.

Peace
Bridge

[lost-n-Iowa]

I have some of the things that you are telling me to do already in place. I stopped putting money in my savings or checking accounts so that if a divorce was to happen that it would not show how much that I really had. I have been stashing it elsewhere. I know that my family would help me no matter what would happen but I don't want to involve them if I don't have to until that moment. When my H and I was geting a D early last year, my folks were there to help me and heard all types of things that I had not told them about before. Then when my H and I decided to try our M again, my folks were severly upset by the whole situation and can not forgive him for what was done. I don't want to let on to them yet that I may have made a mistake about getting back with my H and have to listen to them again until a D is going to happen again.

My H finally called me about 30 hours after he left yesterday to let me know that he would only be a couple more hours if that was okay? Like he really asked me to leave and stay out all night long in the first place!! When I told him that I had to take my oldest in to the ER for some tests that the doctor had ordered (this is for something that has been going on with her in the past few weeks) he asked if he should come too, I said that it was up to him if he wanted to be there. He said that he did not want to leave what he was doing at the time and would be home in a couple of hours. We went without him. Then since he was not with us, I took my girls out for supper and had a very enjoyable time with them.

When we got home, I got the girls ready for showers, and bedtime, did the dishes, picked up the house, and paid a few bills. All the while my H is sitting in his chair watching TV and dozing on and off. I did not talk to him about anything that was going on between us, actually I did not talk to him at all. After the kids went to bed, I went into my computer room, and that is when he came in and started an argument with me about the money again. Wanted his card back, when I said that I would cash his check in the morning and he could follow me to the bank to get his card, he got mad and threatened to throw all my stuff out in the yard. I kept my calm about it and tried not to get mad at him or stoop to his level. I told him again that I had trusted him and he betrayed me and had lied to me and that I was very hurt by what he did. He said he did not care. I said that I would bring the card back home with me a 2 p.m. when I got off of work and he could have it then if he did not want me follow me, he threatened throwing my stuff out again. I said that won't make getting your card back any easier. He changed his tune and asked when he could get it back. We agreed that I would bring it home with me after work and he would get it back as long as he had not thrown my stuff out or destroyed my stuff.

So this is what war negotiations are like????

Oh by the way he made sure that he threw it in my face that he dance with the sister of a friend of ours last night too. WTF for??? To make me jealous??? I just said that I already knew and walked away.

I really can't wait for him to go back to work. I am having a hard time eating right, sleeping right, thinking right. I feel like I am in a fog and can't see where I am to go from here. I keep asking myself if I really love this man or not? Am I in love with him still? Why am I still here?