New Here

[SoCo]

I am more than willing to go to counseling. He said at one time before we split that he would go too. I don't know how he feels now. As I said, I'm sure he is angry. What I hate is that there were really valid reasons for me leaving, and now I'm so conflicted.

I do, however, feel some guilt because 1. I miss him and 2. He always loved me unconditionally and did not judge me. Some of his actions, such as telling lies, do not go with my definition of love, but I do know that he loved me. I do have some issues, such as not being very openly affectionate, not saying I love you a lot, and being kind of critical. I can see where these would after a time start to drive him away from me, which could help fuel the other behaviors. I kind of see it as a vicious cycle now that I'm being introspective. He tries, I fail to acknowledge, show appreciation, criticise, etc. He decides at some point that is is fruitless to try as hard, I get hurt, angry, show less affection, more critical, etc. However, with the honesty issues, he has to choose to change that part, and I cannot force him. I want to see him change it, and show that he wants to fight for us. Again, probably easier for him to walk away and move on.
Vicious cycle. Thanks for the advice guys. I really feel like nobody quite understands. I do want to give it a try. I'm just scared that nothing will change, and the hurt will be worse the second time around. I also don't want to jerk my kid's emotions around either. Their happiness is obviously very important to me. I also don't want to wait too long so that it is too late.