Finishing up my last post, in speaking with my friend, Wil, he simply said that he's curious how XW will turn our intimacy into my fault. As of yet, that hasn't happened. Yesterday evening, when the children were asleep I brought her into the LR to show her some black marks on the couch. I asked her, do you know what those marks are? She shook her head. I gestured to my eyes, mimicking applying mascara and she erupted laughing. Funny moment. Good moment. No drama. No blame.
In speaking with frank_D, he brought a more sobering point to light. I told XW that I didn't want to simply have s*x with her; that I wanted what I've always wanted, ALL of her, and yet I let my desires and her manipulate me out of my manhood...out of my own boundaries and I came looking weak and capable of being manipulated. Thanks, Frank, for shining the light on what I don't want to see, which is that the easy wasy is called easy for a reason. The right way is the way to gaining my manhood and re-capturing my XW's heart 100%, instead of giving my self to her to satisfy her passing 'need', and placing my true need behind her transient one. Live and learn. I don't feel bad at all about sharing myself with my XW, but I do see it as another test that I didn't pass for myself or for her.
I am clear that what happened happened because she is a woman and I am a man who is still deeply in love with her. I make no apologies for that, but I realize that I need to stick with what is right instead of what feels good in the moment. More moments will come again. My intention is to honor my boundaries for myself, and soon, as frank_D says, she will see the real man that she walked away from and won't allow herself to live without.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
