I hope you check back before your court but there is a tecnique called 'silent ridicule'. I don't have the book (loaned it to friend... this seems to be an epidemic wher I work) but I can get the title for you.
The tecnique is to make a list of emabarrasing positions or actions. Then palce a person (exH or OW)in those situations. Practice picturing them in that position/situation prior to seeing them. As soon as you feel an emotion come over you then you bring that picture to your mind to get your emotions or thoughts back.
You can use it in conjuntion with the 'thought stopping' concept that MWD talks about in Divorce Remedy. It may sound odd but it has helped me. I actually change it up a little and think of a time when my wife was least attractive to me (drunk and nasty) but it helps when you want to get a thought out of your head.
Thanks to everyone! It is after 2 in the morning and I am STILL awake thinking. Snodderly, I try hard NOT to give that "girl" any room in my head, but sometimes its hard, like tonight. The ow aka girl, has on her myspace that she is extremely happy and she feels loved. She has not put loved on there that I can remember, so I am wondering if he finally told her he loved her. Yes, it makes me sad, I cannot help it. The thought of it makes me sick! Has any of you experienced this? Have you had to deal with your x telling ow/om that they "loved" them. Does the WAS fall in love this quickly? Do you really think they compare them to LBS? Its like I am dealing with something new everyday. Little by little I am getting own with life with the help of our GOD. I praise him so much for what he has done for me! I will post after court tomorrow to let you know how it went. Thanks to all of you!
Who knows what he has said. If he is having a mlc he is bound to say and do anything. What you should be hearing is. Blah blah blah. So wondering about blah blah blah will get you nowhere real fast.
I try hard NOT to give that "girl" any room in my head, but sometimes its hard, like tonight. The ow aka girl, has on her myspace that she is extremely happy and she feels loved. She has not put loved on there that I can remember, so I am wondering
I bolded the last part for a reason. The reason why you are wondering and giving her so much head space is because you are allowing it, by checking out her myspace in the first place. I know this for a fact because I have been guilty of this and sometime still am. You don't know why she she wrote what she wrote, she could of wrote that because her dog just gave her a bunch of sloppy kisses.
I remember one time I checked out my ex's ow's myspace too and it said the same thing. It bothered me at first, but then I realized I didn't really know what she was talking about and thinking about it was only going to drive me nuts.
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Has any of you experienced this? Have you had to deal with your x telling ow/om that they "loved" them.
Yes I have. When my ex first left he TM me "I don't love you, I love someone else and we are having more fun than we ever had". It stung like a b*tch. At the time I had no idea about MLC or why this was happening. Not until I joined this site, read up on it, and read other people's sitches and realize I was not in this alone. I recommend you read other people's threads and you may find many similarities.
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Does the WAS fall in love this quickly?
They think they do, but what they really fall in love with is the new, good feelings the op makes them feel.
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Do you really think they compare them to LBS?
They might. I believe my H did. Ow is everything I am not. Does that mean I am going to make myself be like the ow just so H will take notice? NOT! I make changes for me and if he happens to like these changes, cool, if not, cool too.
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Its like I am dealing with something new everyday
Yeah, that's why we call it a rollercoaster ride. Eventually you will learn to step off the rollercoaster for a bit.
I wish you luck in court. Please let us know how it went. Best of luck!
Has any of you experienced this? Have you had to deal with your x telling ow/om that they "loved" them.
Yes, found it in a note from her to him. Mine was a great BULL@#ITER with me to, so I took it with a grain of salt. Gawd only knows what she told om. It was a 'gone with the wind' drama in her world. don't get involved with their drama. Most likely it's fictional and it's not going to do you any good.
Take everyone's advice on here, worry about yourself right now.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Hey guys thanks for all your prayers, they really mean alot to me. Well heres how it went in court today. I will try not to leave NOTHING out so I can get some opinions.
I arrived at court around 9am and it was a full house, no where to sit. When I walked in one of the first people I saw was my xh. He watched me as I walked toward the back...kinda mean looking, so I thought "Oh Lord, here we go". The ow wasnt with him, which I thanked GOD for. I was really dreading that. I stood in the back for awhile. My xh turned around maybe once to look, BUT after a little bit he got up from his seat and stood where he could see me. During this time we made eye contact a few times. One time the eye contact was SO STRONG, it surprised me. I really think that not talking to him or seeing him in 7 days made him wonder. After all, we hadnt been apart that long without communication in 20 years! I could be wrong, but it had to bother him some. I dont know. Anyway, court finally cleared where I could sit down and I did. The asked everyone to try and make room for everybody, so my xh sat directly in front of me. I could tell he wanted to say something, but didnt know if he should or not. (At least thats how I felt). After a while I tapped him on the back and asked him what he was going to do once we got up there. He said he was going to drop the Protection Order BUT ask for a restraining order be put in place indefinate. I told himm he needed to NOT to that, that I wasnt going to bother him, but to do what he felt like he should. When we were called up front, he did just that, he asked the judge to add to the divorce papers, a mutual restraining order. She asked me what I thought and I replied I really didnt know what that meant. (It basically means we can have NO contact ever again, or one of us will go to jail!) I really dont understand WHY my exh thought he needed this, other than the phone calls that probably drove him crazy! BUT I am desperate for money and WAS desperate for contact with him. That is NOT the case now, so things should get better. After we finished, they asked us to step to the back to wait on our paperwork. I stood back by the wall and my ex came and stood RIGHT beside me. (After wanting a restraining order.lol) Anyway, they ask us then to wait in the hall. We stood out there talking nicely. He kept saying "I want to be left alone. I shouldnt have had to go thru what I have been thru in the past months. That basically he wasnt going to stand for it anymore. (nevermind what I went thru!!! ,and still am going thru.) Apparently he is suffering MORE. Anyway they brought our paperwork and we started to leave. We were on the second floor, so we could either take the stairs or elevator. I was leading the way, so I took the stairs. I figured he would go the other direction. BUT NO, he trotted right along behind me down the stairs and outside, where our conversation continued. We talked about nothing in general, just several things. I told me he was selling his truck and so forth. I told him I was parked the other direction and he could walk with me. And he kind of took a breath and said OK I guess. It was a very short walk and he didnt go all the way to my vehicle, but we got to talk some more. This is where I kinda messed up I think. I told him I saw that the ow had on her myspace that she was LOVED and he said, I havent told her that. HE went on to offer more information, saying that she had mentioned him being gone this summer fishing alot. (which he always did and I was fine with it), he said she was already talking about it, kinda complaining I guess. He said he told her that she knew when they started dating it would be this way. I did tell him that getting the Protection Order really helped me realize I could go on. Before he walked off I asked him if he ever thought about us. He didnt answer and crossed the street, I told him I didnt hear him and he turned and said NO I dont. A little later I left him a message about our taxes and a couple other things I hadnt talked to him about. I also contacted a lawyer about the restraining order he asked for and the lawyer said he had No Grounds to want this. So, I once again phone my xh, (which I didnt like, because this is twice already and its the first day after the order was lifted), but I wanted to ask him again NOT to get the restraining order to give me a chance to show him I am serious. He said he wouldnt draw up the papers, but who knows. His mind changes like the wind.
Thats pretty much sums it up guys. The only thing I dont understand is, he wants the restraining order for both of us, but then followed me downstairs and outside and talked with me. AND, my son just told me that while I was at work tongiht, his dad came by and brought him something to eat. Makes no sense to me. If he wants to stay away from me ,then why all this? Also I did tell him I thought ow would be there and he said it wasnt any of her concern! I asked him if he had her picture on the front of his phone,(because I am pretty sure I saw it), he said NO! (not hateful, just a real quick NO!) Oh and he also talked briefly about one of the girls that he use to date wanting to go out with him again. So he thinks I want him, and the former ow wants him, along with the one he lives with. CRAZY huh! OK let me have it!!!!
I don't think you did anything really horrible. You need to stop the questions (especially the "do you ever think of us" kind). But, you'll get there. It just takes time I think, and eventually you will find that you get tired of getting hurt by the answer (even though you know he may not be telling the truth).
And you have to try to stop analyzing everything he says and does!! But, this too is something that comes with time.
Your mission now is to not call him at all!! Don't even call him about the Restraining Order!! Just show him that he doesn't need it!
And as for his coming around the house, who knows what's in his head and what does it matter? Treat it like it means nothing, because that's what it probably means....nothing. You backed off, and it seems you got a tiny bit of easing up from him. So, just keep it up! Don't chase, or question at all!
Now you need to get to work on GALing!! Find something fun to do for you!
Hang in there!!! [[[[[[hugs]]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Renee, You now have to prove to yourself that you can go on w/your life and not call him. Pretend he's deceased. Do for you and your son.
As for his comments, he does want to be left alone. Things aren't as great as you may think they are in his life. As for the ow's myspace info, don't go there. All it does is upset you. Delete the url and go on w/your life. This man may or may not return, we really don't know. But the one thing we all know is that he wants to be left alone.
End your day on this mantra "I will not contact him in any way. I will continue my journey on my own. I need to prove to myself that I can do this."
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone for your comments. Do they all say they "want to be left alone" or is this just my crazy xh? Oh, and he came by the house to bring my son something to eat because my son asked him to. So no big deal. I really dont want his girlfriend in my driveway though. She wasnt with him, but I dont want her to be either. I really and truly dont have the urge to call him or drive by to see who is there. One reason, I already know who is there and two, I guess I dont care as much. I am soooo getting better and going on with my life. BUT dont get me wrong. I still LOVE HIM, I still MISS HIM (not as much). I have come to a conclusion though....and I am not being conceided, but she will never be the wife I was to him. I was a very good wife. Yes I nagged at times, so did he. I cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes, provided a good decent sex life, (he says it was the best), and I never cheated on him in 20 years! and I loved him like no other. No I am not perfect and neither is she or anybody else he is gonna find. I believe in a couple years or so he will see what a mistake he as made. Maybe or maybe not. I dont know where I will be in life by then, or where GOD wants me to be. He has a plan for me and I am just "standing still". I didnt think I could do that before, but I now know I can!
