stella: dancing in limbo

[dl443322]

Yeah I hear ya. GAL and PMA are problems for me too. I dont know why it takes some of us so long to get better at this. I know I am going on two years and I still dont get it sometimes.

[stella_k]

Thank you for your support, Beginners. Sounds selfish, I know, but I'm glad I'm not the only one having difficulties with GAL and PMA. It's been over two years too...

journaling.

H has a website with loads of pics he's taken and my face used to be all over the place. It's been a while since I checked it out, last time was September, I think. I was afraid of what I may see.
Yesterday, I saw my H's name mentioned on someone's blog, the person was discussing H's photos and there was H's website address and I clicked on it. I was shocked. All my pics are still there. The photo of two of us. The photo with H, me and D18. My portraits.
Not a single one of OW.

???

I'm very happy, of course, but I don't understand. No OW?

Was he too busy to change pics?

Did he forget?

More mixed messages from him?

Today he called my cell asking if I'm home. I said no, I've told you yesterday, I'm not going to be there in the morning. He said, oh, pity, I'm in the neighbourhood, do you mind if I come over and pick up the book I need (he has the key)? I said, sure, go ahead.

When I came home I realized that I have wilted flowers in a vase on the table, right in the middle of the room. I didn't throw them away because I couldn't be bothered . I don't buy flowers for myself and H knows it (these were given to me by FF). I wonder if it looks like VD flowers, too precious to be thrown away . I sure hope H didn;t see it the way it really is: that I'm too depressed to care. Luckily, the rest of the apt was ok, quite tidy.

I've decided to avoid seeing H at all cost, web site notwithstanding. If he wants to see me he has to SAY SO, not the "just happened to be nearby" or "need to pick up my book" crap.

(((everyone)))

PS. he called a minute ago, when I was about to press "submit".
Told me that the shop (the reason he was in the neighborhood) was closed, now he has to come again TUE. I need to make sure I'm gone on Tue as well.

[happynow]

Hi Stella!

I'm catching up, I haven't been posting lately, just been a little down but your story about your friend & her H getting back together was very encouraging!

I think you are doing fine & I'm like you, I'm having a hard time giving up.

((((HUGS))))

[Kalni]

Hi friend!
Hope all is going well with "operation disappear".
xxx
K

[One Day]

(((Stellitsa-mou))))

I hope you're having a lovely weekend and that the NC is going well. How are you doing? And how is H doing?!

L. xx

[addie]

Stella,
With all your H's waffling behaviour, I think NC is the way to go. With OW still in the picture, you need to show your H that you're moving on with your life, that you're not just putting your life on hold to see him whenever he decides.
You can do it Stella!

[stella_k]

nlt, kalni, Lisa, addie - hi, friends! Thanks for checking on me and (((((HUGS))))!

Some bad news here.

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, quite late stage too. I wouldn't say it was unexpected, still devastating news for me. WE've never been close, but I don't think I can put her in a nursing home. I don't have any siblings or near relatives and I feel so alone...

I felt blue all day yesterday and cried a lot. For some strange reason I felt in my heart that my H is gone for good and there is no hope left. Diagnosis of Alzheimer brought the feelings of despair.

H called today and I was very cold. He was talking about his business plans and how he was going to send some money to D18. It was very unfair and I'm very sorry about it, but I was bitter and upset. I said: can you only talk about money?
He said quietly, it sounded as if it just slipped out and he'd like to take it back: it gives me a reason to call.
I wasn't sure I've heard correctly and asked: what?
So he repeated it.
He said good bye really quickly after that.

I don't feel good about what I said, I guess I just wanted to say something hurtful to him.

I'm angry again. I wish I wasn't.

Oh, and I've spent a day at my FF's home where I could observe their interaction with H. I'm a bit disappointed. They are good together and they laugh a lot, but... she is still bitter and her jokes are not always kind when directed at him. He's taking it well but one can feel the resentment deep inside. After dinner FF and I had a chat and I've mentioned it to her. I asked her whether she brings up his A too often. She said: Oh no, I hardly ever (?!). She doesn't seem to realize she's doing it.

(((everybody))), I will post on your threads later, I didn't sleep well and feel tired. And - I don't want to spread the lame mood :).

[addie]

(((((Stella))))),

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know exactly what you're dealing with as my father has been suffering severe dementia the last several months as well as advanced Parkinson's.
I truly feel for what you're going through. It's not easy to have to deal with an ailing parent as well as a WAS. Your mother needs your strength now more than ever.

HUGS!!!

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

{{{{{Stella}}}}}

Oh sweetie! I am so sorry about your mom's diagnosis. My grandmother had dementia for 4-6 years before she died and she became so nasty toward almost everyone, except my S3 after he was born.

I know you do not want to consider a nursing home, but I can tell you, from experience, if things are not great between you that it will wear on you and tear you down mentally and physically. I watched it happen to my own mother. She put her entire life on hold in an effort to please my grandmother and nothing ever made the woman happy, no matter what my mom did for her.

Really think through your decision and at least look into some care facilities. Even see if some have daycare like programs, where you might be able to take mom so that you can get a break if you decide to keep her at home. Do a ton of reading on the diagnosis. Be as informed as possible.

As for H, i would leave him hanging in the breeze right now. If he cannot be behind you 100% to support you, you cannot allow him to further drag you down.

We love you, honey hang in there. IF you need a friend to talk to on the phone, feel free to email me in the alt and i will send you my info.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[stella_k]

Thank you, (((addie))) and (((SMW)))!

I'm going to start reading about Alzheimer, there are some good forums out there. And I will look at the facilities, SMW, just in case. I'm also thinking about part time nurse in the near future. I'm really short of money at the moment and I have to think carefully about what can be done.

When I said I feel alone, I meant I have no family to take care of her/us. It's just me and my mom. Her dementia is not severe yet, but the time will come, and very soon, when I will have to make all health care-related decisions, alone. It frightens me.

I still have to learn not to count on H. Many friends, when told about my mom's condition, offered their help and support. H just said "it's afwul". He sounded as if he didn't really hear me. He's acting very strange recently. He is calling and then doesn't really speak. I'm tired of breaking awkward silences, after all HE is calling me. I cannot help thinking about what MLC stage he might be in, 2x4 me if you will .