hey everybody! ive been floating around in the shadows for several months now and feel like i need to get some outside perspective on my situation. i must say that after reading some of the posts that i should feel quite lucky that im in as good shape as i am. i discovered, by snooping, that my W was having an A about 4 months ago. i'll be the first to admit that i have neglected her over the past number of years. she says its been 12 years so i'll go with that. the past 4 have been spent working our butts off getting our own business off the ground and it cost me dearly. Two years ago we met someone at church that i thot was my friend but he had other ideas. they saw each other for a year and a half before it became a PA. After it all came out, she told me she was planning to leave me and the kids,S14,D11, for this guy but he didnt want to support 2 families. he has 2 d's,20and13. Right now we are at a point where i think she wants to make it work but its hard to know. i know we didnt get here overnight and it wont get "fixed" overnight. she insists that we need to get C individually before we try any MC. I dont have a problem with that as long as i know there is a possibilty of MC down the line somewhere. i know that i have the advantage of still being in the same house and all, and my heart breaks for those of you that dont have that. i guess my big question is how long before she believes the changes ive made are going to last. i know its impossible to predict and i have to keep on doing what seems to be working, but it seems so unfair that im the one doing the changing when im not the one that cheated. i know what the "right" answers to most of my questions are, but my heart has a hard time catching up with my head. id appreciate some feedback from some of you "veterans" that ive been following. Y'all have more stamina than i think ive got. guess we dont know till we get there. i have been reading DR and LL and wish i'd have read that stuff 10 years ago. woulda shoulda coulda. thanks for letting me vent k
welcome aboard...you no doubt know (if you've been reading) that this is not an easy road to walk. questions a plenty...sometimes we find the "solution" and sometimes we don't...there are good days and there are bad ones...what will happen in the end? no one can possibly know...you've got the tools now it's time to start building!
other than going to c (mind you it may be good it may be bad...depends on what type of c you go to) what are your plans?
as far as how long before she believes your changes are for real? time will tell.
Welcome K..LL is very wise..she is a pillar of strength..who has been there done that.
IWe all agree that why do we have to do the hard work..well maybe because we are able to come here and learn what it takes..most of our s don't have this support, I know i would not be where I am had I not known what it takes to try and save your m...I am sorryh that all this started at your church..do you still attend? Having faith really does help...forgiveness for yourself..PATIENCE....a word I have come to know for many months. Taking care of yourself...there are many wise friends around here to vent to or to get a whack with a 2x4!!!
Hey Mak (I'm quite lazy and like to shorten names!)
Welcome!!!
So you've done your homework (LL DR), that's good. I've found and i think you will too, that here on the bb is where you get the MOST support and the best feedback on your individual sitch.
Quote: Right now we are at a point where i think she wants to make it work but its hard to know
What's changed recently to make you say this, Mack...and congratulations, BTW! (by the way)
So what have YOU been doing differently since reading DR that has precipitated this potential change of heart in your W?
Where do things stand with OM? (the other man)
Where is your W living? How long have you been separated?
Ohhhh soooo many questions!
I suggest you write a neat summary in a word file and have it handy to udate and copy over here on new threads as needed.
Quote: have been reading DR and LL and wish i'd have read that stuff 10 years ago. woulda shoulda coulda. k
Vent away, my friend, that's what the bb is here for.
However to your woulda shoulda coulda...I reply: ARE DOING NOW!!! Better late than never, K....even if the worst comes to pass and this M is beyond saving (not that I have any reason to believe that, I've been around here a while!) you will have become a MUCH better person and potential mate...period!
Quote: i guess my big question is how long before she believes the changes ive made are going to last. i know its impossible to predict and i have to keep on doing what seems to be working, but it seems so unfair that im the one doing the changing when im not the one that cheated.
Oh, I hear you K...about oh, 6 months into my DB efforts (and serious major internal changes, with behaviours that followed) my H revealed (to our third and current MC) that he believed "some" of my changes were for real!
You know what? I was HAPPY for that much! He could have said "none, it's all a sham to get me back into her clutches!"....so I just smiled...knowing that time and truth were on my side.
I can't give you an exact time frame, but it seems to me that one year after the first bomb (ILY but am not In love with you...I want a D)...CJ is starting to trust in my changes, and I am starting to trust in the return of his love.
As for being the one working so hard... we hear you! It DOES seem unfair sometimes. I've had people tell me that my H should be kissing my feet, bending over backwards to please me...well that ain't life. Sorry.
I wrote in one very early post last winter...It sucks to be the only one rowing this boat, but I'll row until my arms fall off!!!
Now, I'm finally getting reassurances, it takes more patience than you can imagine.
It's well worth fighting for, K.
Fill us in, keep posting. Anything you want feedback on...post on our threads with a question. Best way to get lots of support is to keep a presence here!
Hi K. Welcome aboard... I can feel what you feel about you trying and making all the efforts and changes after she was the one who cheated... i felt the same but he was the one who was cheating...!... bc when an A appear not necessarily is bc faults by only one side... and in my case my h didnt want to fix or changes things that keep the R in problems, so he decide to took the easy way to resolve this... OW... But each M is different, each case is different... but surely enough she will need to analyze what was she was doing that didnt catch your attention and maintain you so away from the R for that months... Also, you need to bring her time... i am one of those who thinks that sometimes being in the same house during that process of "knwing what we want" in their minds, sometimes is more difficult for us than being apart... but the key is patience... patience and a lot of self steem... try to work out from a new beggining, trying not to bring open the past and the affair... only talking about both needs... yours too... you too can talk openly to her about your needs and your desires... Welcome aboard again, and excuse my english, im spanish girl... Andrea
WOW! im flattered to have some of you veterans like Shiney and Lost Love visit me. thanks!! it stinks being here but who knows whats in store on the other side. wish i could remember who said "you can either go through it or grow through it". so true there are a lot of positives that have come about in only 4 months. we spend a lot of time together, walking (which helped me lose 45lbs) and riding our motorcycle almost every evening. QT is her primary LL. yes we are still attending church, or i should say started to again. OM has made it clear that if we show up, they're gone. breaks my heart. i just know that we have to do what we have to do. so interesting to read Jethros thread about W wanting to show up at the bar where OM hangs out. sounds alot like my W wanting to show that we are still together and working on it. we had a long talk again last night about her session with her C and it feels good to hear her opening up a little at a time. y'all have been and continue to be an inspiration to me and if i need a 2X4 now and then, lay it on me. ive got to go back to work. thanks again k
hi shinybear. shorten anything you want here. almost anything! whats changed? W is speaking in unflattering terms of OM. Sees A as symptom of deeper spiritual battle with which i do agree. Where do i stand with OM? I read the column about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself and decided that the only way to move ahead was to forgive him. and her. i know it takes two but is is a lot easier to blame him, so i went to his house and talked to him. he wouldnt come outside at first but finally did only to take a very defensive stance. im sure he thought i was there to thump him. wanted to but decided he wasnt worth the trouble or taking the risk of assult and battery charges or who knows what he would have come up with. i told him that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. not sure what he thot of that. dont really care. i know i will have to keep working to remind myself of that fact. where is W living? shes at home with me and the kids. havent seperated. one of the things i do admire about her is that she will not say something just because i want to hear her say it. she has to believe what it is she is saying. make sense? she wont say ILY. not until she knows it to be true. its hard for me to want to hear it and know that she dosent feel it. to write a summary in a word file... im not that computer literate yet. but ill get there. you say that "time and truth are on our side". so true. i just dont want to wait! there is no doubt that this M is worth fighting for and i will keep on DBing. thanks much and ill check back later. k
