JDOllie's Story #6

[lemonsnap]

Wow, JD, I'm SO sorry that you and your family had to hear that from your W. How awful.

But I told them I'M going to make the decision with God's guidance - and no one is going to rush me or delay me, except God.

I can feel good about that.

Good for you. YOU are the only one that can make the decision.
We will be here to support you whatever you decide!

[robx]

Your wife doesn't like it because you have a support system in place.

- remember you're expected to do this alone while she's seeing someone else. You're expected to wallow in self-pity, whither away and be sad for the rest of your life.

- The WAS don't like to see it when you get support from family. They may believe that they are being poorly represented when they are not there (ie. you & your mom/family talk bad about her to the kids)

- To counter that, she thinks she has to do the same to get even.

- Remind her that you didn't leave the relationship, she did.
- Remind her that through all of this, she has been disrespectful, not you.
- Remind her that you don't need to sink to such a low level as to poisoning the kids minds about their mom, you will always respect that she is the mother of her kids

But being disrespectful to you & your mom when she is with the kids is a no no, she is over stepping boundaries and you won't allow it. If she calls your bluff, tell her that when she has to reach you or call you about something, you won't respond back - seems insignificant now but wait until the need arises, she'll find that she doesn't like it very much when you don't answer back quickly.

Sorry to hear that your wife is acting so poorly JD, I wish you better times in the future, they will happen.

[pearlharbr]

Wow JD, your W is really lashing back now! Sheesh! I would say I can't believe she said that to your kids but after hearing the other things she's said/done in the past 2+ years it's not too surprising.

I'm glad you and your mother handled the sitch without overreacting. And happy to hear the kids still love their mawmaw (cute nickname!). They are smart ones! I think they're starting to realize that mom may be telling them stories and dad is the one who is straight with them.

I agree with robx's analysis. I would just be careful in communications with her. You do need to maintain boundaries but in this month of darkness don't go overboard with the convos.

BTW, the kids are beautiful!

[JDOllie]

Thanks all!

Lemon - I sometimes wish someone would just tell me, but I'm a big boy!

Robx - I'm waffling. At first, I wanted to call her and tell her that I already have 20+ examples of her saying derogatory things, not bathing kids, etc - HORRIBLE for her in court. But then sometimes, I remember that whatever parent drags down another parent gets backfired on. I also have been documenting the days her BFF is over, and it's averaging 3-4 days ALL day and staying the night too. Just shows me that W can't do it.

Pearl - yeah, part of me thinks that she is losing her mind, part of me thinks maybe God is allowing her to hit rock bottom.

What made me feel good was that the kids walked in, and the FIRST thing they said was that about Mammaw - that makes me feel good that they want me to know. We just passed it over, told them Mammaw loved them, and they haven't said anything. I really don't even want to say anything - what she's doing is so unbelievable. I remember after Christmas, D8 said something about us arguing, and S6 said, "No, MOMMY argues with Daddy." Six years old - he knows what's going on!

You know, there was a time where she wouldn't allow them to talk badly about ANYONE; I just see her sinking deeper and deeper into this stupidity.

My stance at the moment is just to stand back, and let her implode. If I thought the kids were believing, or starting acting against me, it would be different, but it seems to be having the opposite effect.

[lemonsnap]

We just passed it over...

You are SO wise.
Passing over it, especially in front of the kids, means that you're not making it into a big deal. That way your kids won't get as upset about it, as they see you and Mawmaw acting in a calm, reasonable way about it.

You are being an excellent rock for your kids during such an uncertain time.

[JDOllie]

Aw, thanks, Lemon, don't know if I deserve all that, but I'm going for the whole "rock" thing.

W must be sensing what is going on - she took the kids out to eat, and to a movie this week - just the three of them. She hasn't done anything like that in probably 6 weeks or so. Heh, I guess if the worst that comes of this is that she is shamed into spending more time with them, I can handle that!

They love their Mom, and deserve to have her full attention.

[Silver Fox]

Hi JD,

Thanks for your advice. I don't think I'll meet with H. No, I'm sure I will not meet with him. Just haven't decided whether to tell him or not!

Perhaps during the "hitting rock bottom" stage they act crazy/mean then sane/nice, crazy/mean, sane/nice, etc., until one or the other takes hold permanently.

Let's pray for sane/nice

Have a great weekend!

[kassie]

JD,

like the others I would make sure you are protected financially during the separation period. As far as making any decisions about D - like I said to Pearlh - you came here for a reason. If you believe that your M is a commitment that you agreed to honor in all cases - then you need to hang in there. Ask yourself why you are here? What were your goals? How have you changed them as the situation changed? Where are they now? and How could you update them? You went dark for a reason - to get her back... why stop waiting? just because it isn't in your timing? you have come a long way - keep up the good work - the kids will learn much from how you deal with your M. Just my thoughts.

Sending some hugs for the tough time you are having.

[silvagod]

Hey JD,

There is no better moment to remember the 'believe NOTHING they say' statement.

Utterly unbelievable.

Your kids are brilliant. To take things like that and still be loving. THAT is unconditional.

[SRTTF]

Hi JD I'm not going to repeat what everyone else has said but I agree.

I think the most important thing is that you are spending very precious time with the kids. They will always remember that and don't let W get to you. She is loosing ground and she knows it. She is trying anything she can do get you upset. Like you said, God is your guide and he will show you what to do in his own time. We tend to be very very impatient and want things done in our time frame (God knows thats me) and it has taken alot to realize that we are on God's time not ours.

Take care (((hugs))) and prayers.